Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I should be sleeping.....

.....but Im not. Im blogging. And Im happy about it.

I have caught a cold. Its not a bad one and its very manageable, but I was wondering how I was dodging all the sicknesses my children were getting. Im actually doing pretty good. My stomach is burning (you know that burn before you throw up) but its not to bad. I am wishing I had some sort of carbonated drink to sooth my stomach.

I was thumbing through some pages of my organizer and ran across a list I wrote when I was still pregnant with little Ty. It was really weird to read all these months later. It goes as follows:

Reasons for giving up baby:

1.Cut ties with birth father.
2. No child support.
3. Not enough room in car, would have to buy new car.
4. Would have to get a four bedroom place to live.
5. Not enough money.
6. Not enough attention to go around.
     -It would not be fair to the baby or the other kids to have one momma, no daddy and so many other kids.
7. I dont feel like I can start all over with an infant.
8. As the kids get older, everything gets harder.
9. Rebekah and Ben
10. This is what I feel God wants me to do.

Reasons to keep baby!
1. Because I love him.......I wish that was enough of a reason!!!!!

I find it very interesting to read this list. I remember writing it. I think it was when I had first connected with B and R and I think I knew what decision I was going to make but I was still questioning myself on if it was a choice a "good mother" would make. Of course now I know that a "good mother" makes these choices all the time for her children. It may not always be as big as relinquishment but as mothers we do make daily choices to be selfless on behalf of our kids.

On a side note: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD for goodness gracious, can someone please tell me where the spell check is on this google thing? I used to have it and now they took it away. (insert sad face) God knows You all know (if you have been reading my blog) that I NEED spell check. LOL I dont pretend to be good at spelling or even grammer for that matter, so I really rely on spell check.

On the potty training front. Within the past week (keep in mind I am about four months into potty training) Skyler has been pooping on the pot....but he has regressed....and is now peeing in his pants. I am hoping  that it was just something he did because he was to busy playing. Sooooooooo.....heres to hoping. LOL

8 comments:

Rose said...

Ugh, I hate potty training! I totally lucked out with my son, and his dayhome trained him, and after a week, he was in big boy underwear and only had like, four night time accidents ever!! I now have a one year old daughter, and have decided to stay home for financial reasons, and have no idea what I'm going to do when it's her turn!!!!

H said...

That list has got to be bittersweet...but how cool that you can look back and see how God led you to come to that decision! And sorry, but I have NO CLUE where the spell check is; I can hardly see the screen right now because our computer has four lines going through it, so I'm hoping this is readable:)

birthmothertalks said...

Sometimes I have a really hard time with the fact that I am a birthmom. I feel like I should be her parent and not give the job to someone else. I would probably feel different if I was more secure in knowing that she is with good people.

Ginger said...

I have given you the "I Give Good Blog" award.

http://siblingproject.wordpress.com/2009/10/29/awards-2/

Now it's your turn to share some good blogs with the rest of us...

Rebekah said...

As a total list keeper I completely relate to writing this type of list and I can't imagine the toil your heart must have felt going through it time and time agian, trying to decide what the best thing for your baby was.

Ben and Ty and I are eternally grateful for your decision. I know Ty will one day thank you for demonstrating such selfless love.

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Melba said...

Rebekah,

This is a beautiful post, and your list brought tears to my eyes. What a difficult decision that had to have been. How strange to look back at that list now and remember all the things you were going through.

You are an amazing woman with tremendous strength. I'm so glad I've gotten to "know" you through R & B, and blogging. Your children are all beautiful!

Melba

Becky said...

Well a lot of this is about material things. In reality, kids share rooms. Things can be worked out with transportation. Etc... And the reality is that kids don't care about material things unless they are raised in an environment that values the material over love.
I wonder how this child will feel knowing that he was given away because his mama didn't want to have a baby in the house again.
I personally prefer the luxury of genetic mirroring and having siblings and a parent who love me to having pools and ponies and feeling abandoned.
Here's hoping the kid grows up to be shallow and materialistic. Then you will know you really did make the best choice.