Part 5: The search....

Adoption: Part 5 The search…

A few days went by and I finally received my package in the mail. Inside this envelope I was SURE contained the profile of my baby’s future parents. I sat on the couch and opened the big brown envelope. I was so excited. This was a BIG moment. 

The envelope contained 25 profiles. That’s 25 families that were looking to find a child. I pulled out the papers and started looking through them. The families looked so happy. Some of them had dogs, some had big houses, some had small houses. Some of the families had kids and some didn’t have kids. I preferred for the family I was going to pick to have kids. I didn’t want my son to be an only child. I had always loved that my kids always had playmates and I wanted that for my son. 

As I flipped through the profiles I saw a lot of people filled with hope and love. I read letters from these wonderful families promising a life full of love and happiness. There were moms with blond hair and moms with brown hair. I tried desperately to look into each one of these potential parents eyes, looking for some spark within myself that said “There they are,” or “I found them.” But something was wrong. I looked through the 25 profiles many many times. I thought for sure out of 25 profiles something would stand out, someone would catch my eye. But it didn’t happen. 

I sat on the couch for a long time trying to figure out what was going on and then it hit me. I was scared. In all my research on adoption, especially adoption in Colorado, I knew that the birth father could not sign his rights away until after the baby was born. I didn’t realize how this was nagging on my heart. How could I possibly pick parents for my baby and get these precious peoples hopes up when Im not even sure that Ron was going to agree to this adoption thing. As much as I want him out of my life this was not just my decision. Before I chose parents for my child, and before I could even pick a profile I had to talk to Ron. I had to know that he was going to cooperate. 

I picked up the phone and dialed his number. 

He answered right away, “hello.”

“Hello Ron, this is Rebekah.”

“Hello, how are you feeling?”  he asked actually sounding concerned.

I had not spoken to him in weeks. We had no reason to talk and he apparently had no reason to call me either. 

“Listen Ron, Ive been thinking a lot about this adoption thing that you mentioned…and I think that’s the road I am going to go down. I really want to go ahead and pick parents for our baby but I don’t want to do that and get their hopes up if you don’t agree with my decision.  How do you feel about it?”

I was scared to death. I had no idea if he would agree to this. He could completely disagree and want to fight for custody. How did that work? What If I wanted to give the baby up for adoption and the dad didn’t? What If I signed the adoption paperwork giving up my rights and he didn’t? Did that mean he would get the baby? I was so confused and I waited impatiently for his answer. 

“Rebekah, I have no intentions of sharing this baby with you. If we kept the baby I know it would just be a bunch of court battles and lawyers fees. I too think that adoption is the best answer. Ill sign the papers.”

Relief!!!!!

Later that day I sat down again and looked through my 25 profiles. I read over them over and over again but again nothing popped out at me.  They all had nice smiles and nice houses and so much to offer but I just didn’t connect. Frustrated, I put the pile down and just put it aside frustrated. Why couldn’t I just make a decision? 

Not one week after my frustrating search for my baby’s parents I received an email from a fellow blogger girlfriend. I remember her email vividly. Her email went something like this:

“Hello Rebekah. I have been following your blog and I really hope I am not overstepping your boundaries here but I have a friend who is looking to adopt a baby and I thought you might be interested. I don’t want to tell you what to do but are you interested in checking them out? She has a blog and I could send you the link.”

I was clearly frustrated with the whole process. I thought it would be more fun but it was turning into a nightmare.  I was glad she wrote me and I told her to send over the link to her blog. I was a good way for me to get a good behind the scenes look before I decided on anything. 

After the kids went to bed that night I decided to check out the link my friend sent me. In my mind I wasn’t expecting much….but when I clicked on the link what went through my heart is indescribable.

  I loved them instantly.

There was something in their eyes that you couldn’t ignore. I knew I couldn’t make my decision until I knew more so I kept reading. I loved everything I read. It was like peering into their hearts. They had love and passion and most importantly they had faith. 

I desperately wanted to meet them or talk to them or something. I didn’t know what the etiquette was with adoption and I wanted to do it right so I decided to contact their agency instead of contacting them directly. I figured that was the best choice and the agency would tell me what to do from there. They did not live in my state and I wasn’t sure if this would even be possible…but my heart told me I had to try. I wanted them to pick me. 

The process was fast…the agency immediately contacted the couple and let them know that they would be hearing from me through email. They advised we communicate through email, at least for a couple weeks. 

I was so nervous. I had the “go” from the agency to email them but I was so scared. What if they didn’t pick me. What if I wasn’t the one they were looking for? I liked them so much. I at least had to try.  Here is my first email to them. I sent it with my hands shaking…hoping it would be well received.

“Hello Rebekah. This is Rebekah. LOL I was amazed to find someone with the same name and same spelling as you. I love your blog. Its amazing to see and feel all those raw feelings with you. I am a birth mother. I found you and your blog through another on-line friend. I am 17 weeks pregnant with a baby(of course LOL). I dont know what it is yet but I will find out in about three weeks. I really loved you and your husbands profile on your agency's website. I have contacted them and got some more information and they are sending me some paperwork to fill out. You and your husband are my number one pick...but I am not sure that I will be your pick. Here are the reasons why......1st...it doesnt sound like you want an open adoption. I really need to have an open adoption because of my children. I have four children ages twelve ten nine and three. Its hard enough for them to focus on the fact that I am not keeping this baby, and so I just think that getting letters and pictures and emails could possibly help them. I in no way would want to interfere on your life, I would not even want it to be open for myself...but for the kids. I want you to have all the privacy you could possibly have when you bring your precious baby home. Certainly if you pick me, we could talk about what you would be comfortable with. Does that make sense? 2nd I do not live in Michigan. I live in Colorado Springs, Colorado. I was not sure how you would feel about the distance of travel and such. I thought that might be a problem. I was originally going through American Adoptions, but of course you are not going through them so I called your agency. I wanted to contact them first because I wasnt sure that you would pick me. I am still not sure and if you dont feel like I am a good match for you then please let me know and I will move in a different direction. I sure hope to hear from you soon. In His Love, Rebekah " I waited for their response. I really really wanted them to pick me. I needed them...I needed them to raise my baby. So I waited for a response.  Click here for Part 6!

Adoption: Part 4 Hard decisions...

Before I decided on adoption I had to answer three questions for myself. The first one was: 

1. Why cant you raise this baby on your own? 

2. Will there be any emotional damage to the baby in later years by going with adoption. 

3. Does giving my baby up for adoption make me a bad mom?  

 So I set out to answer these questions. I had to find out from others who had been adopted what they thought of their lives. This would help me decide on what to do. 

The first thing I did was look up the definition of adoption. That should help right?

According to Wikipedia.org, the definition of adoption is as follows: Adoption is a process whereby a person assumes the parenting of another, usually a child, from that person’s biological or legal parent or parents, and, In doing, permanently transfers all rights and responsibilities, along with filiation, from the biological parent or parents. 

Sigh!!

 That’s not what I was looking for. I needed something more personal…I needed to talk to someone who had been adopted. You can always read books and articles but I wanted to know exactly what was going to happen to my baby if I gave him up for adoption. What was he going to feel when he was fifteen or twenty or thirty? What damage will I cause to him by doing this if any at all. So I scowered the internet looking for anyone who was adopted who would talk to me.  I found what I was looking for. 

I spoke to several people who had been adopted…and I got the same answer from all of them. It usually went like this. “Ive actually had a great life. My adoptive parents were always kind to me and I had a wonderful childhood….but….Im sad that I don’t know where I have come from.” A bell went off in my head. These people did NOT have bad lives…in fact they had very fulfilling lives but there was one thing that was missing…ROOTS!! Everyone wants to know where they came from. The sadness that these people were describing was something I could solve for my son if I gave him up for adoption. IF…I went with adoption it would have to be open…very open. I don’t want him to ever wonder where he came from. 

Now for the second question…does giving up my baby for adoption make me a bad mom? This is a hard one. I still struggle with it today. I have four children that I chose to parent and I was considering giving my fifth baby up for adoption? Who does that? You cant imagine the guilt and shame I felt over this question.  Again I started doing my research and I was so blessed to find many many birth moms out there. I started developing relationships with them and asking questions and here is what I found? They were just like me? Normal, average women trying to do the best they could for their children and what I discovered was that Adoption was just another form of LOVE. Love!!! Can you believe it? Just by speaking to these women set my mind at ease. They showed me that it was a spectacular act of love to give my baby to another family who couldn’t have children and to also give my baby a better chance at life. (tears flowing down my face as I write this)

The last question took the longest to think through. Im a tough girl. I can get through anything. I had been through two very abusive marriages that almost cost me my life….four pregnancies…one miscarriage and an assortment of other heartbreaking things…certainly I could figure out how to raise this fifth baby alone…right? Just thinking about this question as I write this causes my stomach to ball into a fist and the tears gather in my eyes. The other questions can be answered with just some research and logic…but this one comes from the heart. This one does not come lightly but after many many weeks of thinking and crying and going back and forth I decided this…

There is so much love in my heart…and there is plenty of love to go around to all five of my children, but…the reality of it was that this new baby would learn to crawl, walk, talk and all the other fun things kids learn to do… in daycare. There would be custody battles, and bitter disputes between me and Ron, and I didn’t want any of that for him. It was bad enough that my other four kids had that in their lives. The bottom line was that there simply was just not enough time, energy or, emotional support for me to fathom raising five kids on my own. I felt that my baby would suffer because he was forced to life the life of a single mom. It broke my heart….I wanted more for him.

So in my fifteenth week of pregnancy, my mind was made up. Adoption was the answer.

The answer. Finally I had an answer, a solution. The weight that I had been feeling for so many weeks seemed to lift a little. It felt good to be able to process this with myself, and I really did do it all myself, nobody helped me. I was truly alone. 

So what now? I really wasn’t sure. I didn’t know any adoption agencies or even the first thing about how to find parents for my son. Again I went to the internet.

 The first thing that popped up was “American Adoptions.” I thought that looked interesting so I gave them a call. I told them a bit about my story and what I needed and she was very helpful and said she would mail me my first 25 profiles to look at. I was a bit anxious and disappointed that they didn’t have the profiles online but I had no choice so I told her thank you…hung up the phone…and waited for my package to come.

Click here for Part 5. 

Adoption: Part 3. ROCK BOTTOM!

Leaving Ron’s apartment complex that day left me feeling numb. The events of that morning seemed more out of a movie than real life. 

I drove home and to be honest I have no idea what I did that day or the days to follow. I can tell you that I know exactly what was on my mind…pregnant?? Could I be pregnant? If I was it was just the most horrible thing I could think of to happen to me at the time. I’m sure that sounds very dramatic but as you can see my life was just completely all about drama. There was no “steady” at all. 

As the days turned into a couple weeks I had had enough of the worry I was feeling. I still had not had a period since my miscarriage less than two months ago, so I decided to ease my mind I would go and purchase a pregnancy test. 

Money was not something I had much of so I decided to just go to the dollar store and pick up a couple of those. They should do…right? That’s what I thought in my head. I certainly wasn’t pregnant anyway so it was going to be OK (I reassured myself.)

I drove home and went straight to the bathroom…followed the directions on the package…set the test on the sink and waited. 

I didn’t have to wait long. 

There were two lines. One was very dark, the other was so so light that you could barely see it. I was actually reassured by this although I didn’t know why. I had been pregnant four times before and had stared at MANY MANY pregnancy tests. Not one time ever in my history was there two lines and I wasn’t pregnant. Two lines meant “pregnant” but this time I was in complete denial and I was sure it was a false positive. I went to the store and purchased a better pregnancy test just to be sure. 

Again….

Positive…but this time a brighter positive line. I fell on the floor of my bathroom…my heart pounding…and cried. 

Pregnant again. A single mom of not four…but five kids. A pregnancy that did not result in love or commitment, it was a pregnancy that was the result of lies and manipulation. I felt used, scared, lonely, and lost. 

Over the next week or so I was able to tell my very few friends and my close family. They were of course very supportive but sad for me. The sickness that comes with the early stages of pregnancy set in and I felt even worse about myself. What in the world have I done to myself? 

I knew I had to make the phone call to Ron. I figured he needed to know. I wasn’t sure what to expect but it had to be done. 

Ring Ring Ring

“Hello. This is Ron” He answered

“Hello Ron this is Rebekah.”

“Ok” he said smugly.

“I have to tell you something. It’s pretty unbelievable actually but you have the right to know.”

“What is it?” He answered in a hurried voice.

“I’m pregnant.”

“What…are you kidding me? That’s impossible. You just had a miscarriage.” Sounding just as surprised as I was.

“I know, but according to the doctor you are the most fertile after a miscarriage.  I’m about seven or eight weeks along.”

“Well I’m sorry but this just can’t be possible. I think you are the one who was cheating. This cant be my baby. I want a blood test. Who is your doctor?” he demanded.

“Ron, you are the father, I didn’t cheat, you did, and you can’t have the name of my doctor. Its true and I just wanted to let you know. I don’t want anything from you…I’m just letting you know.”

By this time I was just tired of talking to him. I didn’t want to hear his voice anyway, and he was just reminding me why we were not together. His next comments would rock me to the core. 

“Rebekah, you know there is always abortion.”

“WHAT!!! NO…NEVER. I would never kill my baby. Why would you say something like that?” I shouted

“It’s just a suggestion.” He stammered back.

“It was a bad suggestion Ron!!”

“I’m sorry…I’m not trying to upset you. Have you thought about adoption?”

“ARE you serious? Ron, NO GOOD MOM GIVES THERE BABY UP FOR ADOPTION!!”

I slammed the phone down and started to cry. Abortion! Adoption! Is that all he could say. Neither one sounded like a good solution to me. Abortion was murder….Adoption was what mothers on drugs would do or maybe if they were homeless they would choose adoption. I was none of those things and I thought his suggestions were absurd.  

Overwhelmed, tired, and not sure what to do I went on with my days.

Around nine weeks of pregnancy I started to have some bleeding again. I remembered what happened with my last pregnancy. The bleeding ended in a miscarriage and it scared me so bad. This was not a planned pregnancy but I certainly didn’t want anything to happen to this baby living inside me. My mommy instinct kicked in and I went to the doctor to get checked out. 

Sitting on the table waiting for the doctor to come in was agonizing. I was already embarrassed and hurt and lost and now I was at the doctor, the same place I had been three months earlier only to be told that my baby was dead. I thought for sure this would result in the same outcome. After all, my first four pregnancies there was no bleeding. This has got to be bad news. 

The doctor came in and I explained to her what was going on. She was very sympathetic and even after I told her a bit of my history she still was so compassionate. I was grateful for that. Because there was bleeding and I was in the first trimester she decided to do an in office ultrasound just to see if there was a heartbeat. My heart felt like it was going to pump out of my chest. I was so scared to see nothing….but at the same time I was almost ok with it because then I could put all of this heartache behind me. 

I laid down on the table and she started the ultrasound. It was an internal ultrasound because of the gestation of the baby. I didn’t look at the screen; I didn’t want to see what was on it. I turned my head and I felt a tear roll down my cheek. I waited for her to say “no heartbeat, “but that is not what I heard. 

“Rebekah” She said. “Look over here.”

I turned my head towards the screen and there in giant form was a twitching little miniature baby…with a heartbeat. A hear beat! The baby wasn’t dead. The baby was most certainly alive and also moving around. I was astonished and all I could think was….Miracle!! Since when did I bleed and not loose the baby? I felt relief but also still questioned what the problem. 

“The baby seems fine,” I said “So why am I bleeding still?”

“Well Rebekah, knowing your history the bleeding could be caused by an STD.”

AN STD? Isn’t that a sexually transmitted disease? I couldn’t believe my ears. Not only was I dealing with an unplanned pregnancy but now a disease? I was mortified, sick, confused.  Jerry Springer kept ringing in my ears. Boy would he make a lot of money off of my story.

I told her to go ahead and test me for whatever she needed to test me for. She gave me a pep talk about having unprotected sex and I went home and waited for the results to come in. 

Less than a week later I got the call from the nurse. Much to my relief and surprise the test was negative. She said the bleeding could just be from a ruptured vessel in my cervix and that I had nothing to worry about but to try and take it easy. 

I hung up the phone relieved but just exhausted. This whole thing was just to much for me. I felt so alone. I didn’t feel like anyone understood what I was going through and when I would tell people my sad story they would just caulk their head to the side and say “I’m so sorry.” 

I kept going back to the conversation with Ron a few weeks back. For reasons I can not comprehend I couldn’t get the word “adoption” out of my head.  I really didn’t know much about it but by this time I was just so ready to do something about my situation. I had my hands so full with the four kids I already was raising alone. So I decided to do a little research on the subject. 

Adoption…..could it be as bad as I think it is? So I started to read...

Click here for Part 4. 

Adoption: Part 2...The phone call that started it all...

Before reading Part 2: Please watch the short video below.

As the days past by I hardly gave any thought to whether this man was going to call me or not. I honestly didn’t think he would call and to be honest I actually didn’t care. I had so much on my plate already. My four kids and I were adjusting to living on our own in our new apartment, and I was quite busy managing the four kids. 

Much to my surprise, two days later, the phone did ring. It was as if he followed that “two day dating rule” of not calling a girl for two days after she gave her number. It’s as if I was set up from the beginning to play this game that I had no idea how to play. 

I didn’t hesitate to answer the phone. I wasn’t nervous or anxious….just more curious than anything.

“Hello.” I answered.

“Hello Rebekah…this is Ron. You gave me your number a couple evenings ago. Sorry it took me so long to call.”

“That’s ok,” I answered. “So tell me about yourself.”

 

He went on to tell me that he was a tow truck driver. His job was to tow away cars that were parked illegally in apartment complexes and trailer parks, as well as cars that were in accidents or broke down. His job sounded interesting and it sounded like a good steady job. So far he seemed responsible. 

He went on to tell me that he had a son and how proud he was to be a dad. The conversation went well and he seemed like a very likeable guy. After all he was a single father. There is a bit of sweetness around that. 

They say hind sight is 20/20 right? That’s exactly the case in this situation. The next part of the conversation will stick in my mind forever because if I had of followed those “red flags” that you get when something isn’t right, I might have saved myself a lot of heart ache. 

“So Ron, do you go to church?” I asked

Without hesitation he answered “Absolutely, I attend New Life here in town. In fact I just got off the phone with Ted Haggard.”

It was as if a bell went “DONG” in my ears. I can’t explain it any other way. Something about that statement was just so OFF!! Ted Haggard WAS the pastor of my church. I’m sure you have heard about his fall. It was all over the news. Ted “fell from grace” as they say, and had an affair with a transgender man. He was no longer the pastor of our church, and we were in transition trying to find a new one. I believe at the time he wasn’t even in town, but being mentored by some people in my OTHER home church in Phoenix, AZ.  Later I would learn that this was a lie told only to impress me and was the first of many many lies he would tell me. 

The conversation continued…

“Oh wow,” I exclaimed. “So you know Ted Haggard? That’s crazy. How often do you go to church?”

Again without hesitation he answered “Oh two to three times per month.”

 

For him to say that he went two to three times per month was a good sign to me. I figured that someone who goes to church that often probably has a relationship with God similar to mine. It made me forget the “red flag Ted Haggard” comment made earlier and I felt my walls going down and I started to trust him. 

The relationship continued for a few months. I felt that our relationship was getting stronger and he seemed to feel the same way. I was very busy with my life as a single mom of four and he seemed to be REALLY busy with his tow truck business. 

As time went on I noticed that he started talking a lot about wanting to have a baby with me. I was VERY much against this idea. I already had four kids…I certainly didn’t want a fifth and lately he had been doing some strange things that I couldn’t set right in my mind. He just didn’t seem to be into the relationship as much as I was. He would say he was coming over but would cancel last minute and he was talking about this other girl at work a lot. It made me uneasy and I was getting confused. 

I asked him one day about this other girl. Her name was Tammi and she was the secretary at his office. I told him it was making me feel uncomfortable to hear the stories of him and this girl at his work. I told him the stories sounded like flirting and I thought that possibly she liked him. He answered with “No way, we are just playing around. She is a HUGE lady and I am not attracted to her.” In my very trusting way I tried to put it all aside and just be happy with life….as I always do.

This portion of the story goes very fast and is incredibly confusing to me. To this day cannot understand how I got myself into this situation. Here I was with a man who sometimes seemed like he loved me and other times just seemed to be using me. I have no idea why I didn’t pack up and run for the hills but I didn’t. I have no idea why I couldn’t just see the bad signs and say “this isn’t working for me.” What kind of “UNHEALTHY” was I to stay with this man? My only explanation is that I didn’t know people could be so mean. I see the best in all those I meet and I couldn’t even fathom that someone would be lying to me around EVERY corner. 

My memory is very vague but I do remember that somehow…someway I let my guard down and I ended up pregnant. I don’t remember much about that time…but I do know that I was very scared and I was worried about telling my family. A few weeks after finding out I was pregnant I started to bleed. This was very unusual for me. I had been pregnant four other times and never did I have any bleeding until I was in labor and pushing a baby out. Scared that something was wrong I went to the hospital and had some testing done. Two days later the results were in and I was told that the baby didn’t make it. 

My baby didn’t make it? Those are words I had never heard before. I was only six weeks pregnant. I was just getting over the shock of being pregnant and now I wasn’t.

What was my life coming to? 

I cant even explain to you how I was feeling. I think all my feelings were gone. I wasn’t taking care of myself. I was acting reckless and sleeping with a man who I wasn’t married to and who clearly was not always into me. Was I that desperate for love? I thought I didn’t need a man. I thought I was happy being alone. I wanted to scream at myself…”WAKE UP REBEKAH!!!”

Yet…I continued to see this man. I continued to try and nurture this relationship that I thought meant something. The weeks went on. I mourned the loss of a child, and hoped for happiness with Ron.

It was a cool October morning and I was startled awake by my phone ringing. It was a number I didn’t recognize but I answered it anyway.

“Hello!” I said

“Hello Rebekah.” Came a voice I had not heard before. “This is Tammi. I know you don’t know me but Im the secretary at Rons office.”

NOW I knew who she was. This was the woman who I had heard multiple stories about. Stories that made me feel like something was “up.” Stories that seemed like flirting. Stories that I was assured meant nothing. 

“Hi Tammi. How did you get my number?” I asked

“Ron gave it to me awhile back as an emergency number. Listen, I know you and Ron are not together anymore , but I need a favor.  He hasn’t showed up to work yet today and he isn’t answering his phone and I was wondering if you still had a key to his apartment because I want to go in and check on him.”

You could imagine my surprise. Not together anymore? When were we NOT together? We had never broke up. In fact he was starting to talk about marriage and had even said he picked out some rings at some pawn shop that he really liked. 

I answered in a shaky voice ”Tammi, Ron and I never broke up. What are you talking about?”

“What???” She said sounding as surprised and confused as I was. “He and I have been together for awhile now. He said you and him ended your relationship months ago.”

“NO, we never ended our relationship Tammi. What the heck is going on?” I practically screamed at her through the phone. “I have to go…Im going over there right now.”

“Ill meet you there…SHIT!!”  she responded…just as I was hanging up the phone and running out the door. 

I couldn’t believe this was happening. It was like something straight out of Jerry Springer. How had my life became a TV show. We would fit right in….

I drove over to his house and found him getting into his car ready to drive off. I was so upset…but I wanted to make sure it was true before I accused him of something. He looked confused as to why I was in such a frantic state until he realized why I was actually there. 

Tammi pulled up not long after I did. We both immediately started badgering him with questions.

He denied nothing! It was all true. For once he didn’t defend himself…he just sat in his car looking at us as we tried to get more answers. 

Tammi and I stood there in the parking lot looking like we were just run over by a train. I told her that we never broke up. I told her that we were just pregnant but unfortunately lost the baby just six short weeks ago.  She seemed to listen to me and also seemed a bit sympathetic. I didn’t know her but I almost liked her in that moment. She seemed to be in the same situation as I was and we could relate. Instead of hating her, I felt a little close to her. 

It seemed nobody knew what to do in that moment. All three of us knew that it was over…the cat was out of the bag (so to speak)….now where do we go from here. 

Knowing what I knew…in that moment ….I decided in my head that our relationship was over. It seemed like my eyes were opened and all the lies he had been telling me had come to the surface and I was done. I wanted my keys back to my apartment and I wanted to wash my hands of the whole thing. 

Ron never got out of his car. Me and Tammi just stood there yelling at him. He gave me my keys back, I gave him his keys back and then from behind me Tammi said something that made the hairs stick up on my arms….

“Ron…I better not be pregnant!”

 

My head snapped around and I just looked at her. 

PREGNANT! What If I was pregnant again? I knew the thought was absurd. I just had a miscarriage and I was still recovering physically from that. It had only been six weeks and I had not even had a period yet. No way could I be pregnant. Tammi might be but I certainly am NOT pregnant. 

That’s what I kept telling myself anyway….

Click here for Part 3.