Friday, December 5, 2008


I had my scheduled doctors appointment today. I had to take my three year old with me which I was leery about but it turned out OK. It did seem like forever until they called me back into a room. I love my doctor but I love the nurse practitioners better. LOL They are amazing and just make me feel so comfortable. I wish she could deliver my baby but I guess nurse practitioners don't do that. Anyway, I told her I was still bleeding and I told her my situation on how the baby's sperm Donner decided to cheat on me so she decided to do a repeat pap even though I just had one in September. There was some bleeding coming from my cervix. I guess the labs that the hospital had done the other day came back normal. The only thing is I had a little bit of bacteria in my urine and a yeast infection. So, unfortunately she had to test me for all the STD's because If I had one (say chlamydia) then it would be the source of the bleeding. Again, I feel stupid and foolish. I feel so horrible about myself that I could be so careless and unaware of the bad things and people in this world. So we will see what the results of that are.

On to the good stuff. Since I am to early (only nine weeks) to hear a heartbeat on the Doppler, she broke out the ultrasound machine for me. This is now currently my third ultrasound. I am going to have to post these pictures soon. I do treasure them. I am trying very hard to be raw and open and honest (not hiding anything) in this blog. I want to grow through it. I want my thoughts and feelings to spill out onto the page. I feel it is the only way to heal through this situation.

So in being honest, I did not want another baby. I still can not wrap my mind around having five children and being a single mom. This blows me away. I have to remember that the first four children were all planned and conceived in marriage. Well, all except the first but I did end up marrying the guy and having many more children with him. That's another story. I guess through my sadness of the whole situation, I do hope to learn to love and look forward to this little teddy bear. That's exactly what the little person inside me looks like on the ultrasound machine. Its legs and arms are so short and its head is so big it really resembles a teddy bear. So I guess that will be its nick name.

The sperm Donner called and said he would be by to pay me the money he owes me. (seventy five dollars). Of course, true to form, I have not heard from him. I don't expect to. I have never met a pathological liar before, but now I have. I don't know how a person keeps up with the lies, I would get confused.

Its been cold here in the Springs. I love it. I love the snow, I love the cold and the bundling up.

I do hope I feel better soon. I am just sick all day long. I don't throw up but its just like being under a dark cloud all the time with this morning sickness which is the stupidest name I have ever heard. It is certainly not for the morning, but for about three months straight. The only relief I have is when I am sleeping, but then I am up every few hours to pee. This is how I know it is a healthy pregnancy. The sicker I am, the healthier the pregnancy.

I know that God works everything thing for good. I just don't see it yet through my mistakes. I am hoping to do better, soon. Time is not on my side.


mak'n Changes said...

Ok I may spend the day reading thru all your posts. Your last few words in this one are pretty cool.

Anita said...

I'm back. And like the commenter before me said, I may spend the day reading thru all your posts.

Okay, I can't do that.It's after midnight. Gotta go to bed. But will be back.