Today I received a strange phone call from a lady asking for Ron(the birth father). I asked her why in the heck she was calling for Ron. She told me that he had used me as a reference a while back and she was calling to see if I had his phone number. Really I didn't know what to say and wasn't able to process what was happening in the moment. All I could manage to say was "I am not the right person to talk to you about Ron...I have no information for you." I was not lying...I don't have his number. I used it a couple times to call him before baby was born and then I tossed it because I have no use for it.
Well, needless to say I hung up with the lady feeling angry and shaking. I decided to write Ron an email that simply stated "please don't use me for references in the future, I feel you have used me enough." Done...that was it.
Later that day he wrote me back and it wasn't nice...I cant even tell you what he said because it was full of nasty words and he was just mean. Again, it left me feeling angry and shaking and I couldn't think straight.
So this is where I shouldn't have done what I did...I emailed him back. Now I have never been one to cuss. I hate it when other people cuss and so I just have never been one to do that....but in the final email to him...I did. I used the same profanity that he used on me and I shouldn't have. I don't regret emailing him my last thoughts because I have been wanting to give him a piece of my mind for a long time...and let me tell you....today I did. BUT...I shouldn't have because it didn't make it right.
He has not emailed me back and I don't really feel any better doing what I did...well...maybe a little better but I just hope that email doesn't come back and bite me in the butt. I guess the worst thing that could happen (if he was trying to be really mean) would be to email my nasty email to B and R, but hopefully he wouldn't ever involve them like that. If he did I guess they would see a very nasty side of me, but hopefully they would know that it wasn't really me in that email...but only my anger towards Ron.
I hope some day I can truly be over all of this. I should come to a point that if Ron were standing in front of me I wouldn't feel hate towards him. When will that happen? I have no idea. In his email to me he said "you have some serious soul searching to do." Maybe he is right? But I think it goes both ways for him and I. What we did changed both of our lives forever.
(sigh) That's it I guess.