Monday, August 3, 2009

I shouldnt have....

Today I received a strange phone call from a lady asking for Ron(the birth father). I asked her why in the heck she was calling for Ron. She told me that he had used me as a reference a while back and she was calling to see if I had his phone number. Really I didn't know what to say and wasn't able to process what was happening in the moment. All I could manage to say was "I am not the right person to talk to you about Ron...I have no information for you." I was not lying...I don't have his number. I used it a couple times to call him before baby was born and then I tossed it because I have no use for it.

Well, needless to say I hung up with the lady feeling angry and shaking. I decided to write Ron an email that simply stated "please don't use me for references in the future, I feel you have used me enough." Done...that was it.

Later that day he wrote me back and it wasn't nice...I cant even tell you what he said because it was full of nasty words and he was just mean. Again, it left me feeling angry and shaking and I couldn't think straight.

So this is where I shouldn't have done what I did...I emailed him back. Now I have never been one to cuss. I hate it when other people cuss and so I just have never been one to do that....but in the final email to him...I did. I used the same profanity that he used on me and I shouldn't have. I don't regret emailing him my last thoughts because I have been wanting to give him a piece of my mind for a long time...and let me tell you....today I did. BUT...I shouldn't have because it didn't make it right.

He has not emailed me back and I don't really feel any better doing what I did...well...maybe a little better but I just hope that email doesn't come back and bite me in the butt. I guess the worst thing that could happen (if he was trying to be really mean) would be to email my nasty email to B and R, but hopefully he wouldn't ever involve them like that. If he did I guess they would see a very nasty side of me, but hopefully they would know that it wasn't really me in that email...but only my anger towards Ron.

I hope some day I can truly be over all of this. I should come to a point that if Ron were standing in front of me I wouldn't feel hate towards him. When will that happen? I have no idea. In his email to me he said "you have some serious soul searching to do." Maybe he is right? But I think it goes both ways for him and I. What we did changed both of our lives forever.

(sigh) That's it I guess.

11 comments:

Sara said...

AWWWW, things are still so fresh or you. I have no clue what goes on with birthfathers but hey you carried that sweet baby for 9 months and had to go through the labor and delivary .... 'nough said! Don't beat yourself up! Ask ffor God's forgiveness, ask Him to help you be a better keeper of your tongue ... well in this case fingers and move forward. There is no condemnation or those who are in Christ, you are His ... repeant and be done ... He will be :)

Camdon's Momma said...

I feel the same way about Camdon's dad. For the longest time I would be the "evil" one and respond to his stupidity (he used the same line on me along with a whole bunch of others) and one day it just clicked that I don't have to deal with it anymore so I stopped responding (which made him angry).....but I don't think I would be able to have him stand in front of me. I can feel my anger rise when his name is mentioned or if I hear something about him. I too hope that one day it will just go away.
I know it didn't make you feel better with the last email, however atleast you aren't bottling that information up anymore and it is one less thing for you to carry around. I think it R & B were to see the email you sent him, they would understand totally. They got to see him recently. I am sure that with the relationship you all have and made during the past year, they know you are not an evil person...but a very caring, loving and respectful woman.

Anonymous said...

Wow..I have done this a time or two. Email makes it so easy to "go off" on people. I know how you feel. I don't know what to say other than...I understand. If he does send it on the R and B I think they will understand. They seem like amazing people. Just know that God still loves you and all of this is not going to cause him to fall off his throne. He's still in CONTROL:) Mollie

LL said...

Hugs!

Chelle said...

Even if he did send the email to R & B, I am sure they know you better than that, and I am sure they would see he brings out a really bad side of you. I doubt they would judge you for that. It sucks that you had to have that experience at all. You really shouldn't feel bad though, that moment had your adrenaline going and you did what you felt was best at the time. You didn't seek him out to be cruel, only to let him know you didn't want him in your face anymore. I hope you start to feel better about it all soon.

Two Hands said...

I'm so sorry this happened. It was well within your rights to tell him not to use you as a reference.
There's a scripture that I got in my inbox today: "A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense." Proverbs 19:11 This is going to be a hard one for me to internalize, but it's nice to know we have the equipment already to just let things go and rely on our wisdom rather than our anger.
I hope you don't hear anything back from him and I wouldn't worry about him retaliating. Your life speaks for itself, regardless of some cuss words.
I haven't lost one particle of respect for you.

mak'n Changes said...

Good Girl! Even though it probably made you feel bad. I did the same thing to michael but in the end it didn't make me feel anybetter but it sure feels good getting out huh!
You will heal, sorry it happened.
Cindie

Anonymous said...

I dont think R & B see you as a package deal with your ex. They are so sweet and probably will look at the entire picture before trying to make any sense out of it. I bet they wont even care that this happened because truly how does it affect them? You are a good person. I just wouldn't have any further contact with ex. He isnt worth it and it is not good for you.

Rebekah said...

We all make mistakes. Don't beat yourself up over it. I'd ask for forgiveness and then stay clear of Ron.

He rarely emails us, so don't worry about us getting in the middle! We know your heart. :)

Kel said...

I've learned to take great delight in writing emails on my word program and then saving them for a couple days before I send them. I type furiously and pound the keys and then press SAVE with a ton of zeal. Then I read what I wrote and if it's really what I mean, I cut it, paste it and send it.

Two benefits to this:
1. no accidental send.
2. "Delete" can be just as therapeutic as "send".

Becky said...

You are human and you have feelings and emotions, as well as four kids in your face full time! I doubt he is feeling as bad about your words to him as you are feeling about writing the words to him. Besides, it was probably a bill collector looking for him and you did him a HUGE favor by not supplying them with his information.

That would be totally immature and cruel of him to forward that note to R&B. They have nothing to do with it and he probably realizes that it could jeprodize the kind of relationship he has with them.