I never know what to say to people when they ask how many kids I have. I get that question a lot because I guess its not that usual to see someone with so many kids and so its a question I get asked quite often....but...what do I say when someone says to me "how many kids do you have?" I just don't know. Do I say I have six kids and include my baby that is in heaven? Or do I say I have five and include Ty as my child? But if I say I have five then that opens up the floor to me having to explain the whole adoption situation and I find that after I tell them they say things like "Oh" (and that's not a good "Oh", its an Oh that means they are sad for me). Or I get comments like "well if it was me I would have kept him." I sure love that one. I'm not sure I would say that to anyone in my situation. I don't get angry at them, but instead I realize that they do not know the full impact of my situation and because I am very comfortable in the choice I made for Ty it doesn't hurt my feelings...but I still feel it is a bold statement for people to make.
So I still have not made up my mind on how to answer people. The truth is, I do have six kids whether they are living or not and whether I am parenting them or not, I still birthed them and they are still a part of me....but the explanations are quite exhausting.
The kids are doing wonderful back at home. I am enjoying them immensely. They are quirky, and loud, and messy, and expensive, and very loving, sometimes disrespectful, sometimes mean to each other....but mostly they are perfect and being a mom to them is the best thing I have ever done. I have one more week with them before school starts.
I have not had much luck on the house cleaning venture. I loved all your suggestions...but when it came down to it I picked "Good Clean Fun" as my business name. Thanks Natalie. I wish I knew how to link her blog to her name but I have not figured that out yet. (bummer) Can you all give me some tips on that? I have an interview with "Gymboree" on Thursday so that is exciting.
Thursday and Friday I was able to babysit the two kids I used to watch full time. I quickly discovered that I just don't have it in me anymore to watch other peoples kids in my home. Of course they were well taken care of but for some reason after the adoption and all I have been through, I'm done and just don't have the heart for it anymore. I am wondering how the interview at "Gymboree" plays into all this. (sigh)
Well, I leave you all with some cute pictures of our Saturday adventures today. We went to a fun (and free) splash pad/fountain down town. We had so much fun today just being a family.
onceuponablog.org is having a give away. I never win stuff like this but Its worth a shot right?
14 comments:
Hi Rebekah,
I've been reading the other Rebekah's blog for a while and just found a link to yours on MckMama's forum the other day. Your stories have been such an encouragement to me, and I can't even begin to tell you how much I respect you for the gift you gave Rebekah and Ben. We need more people like you in the world.
I'm no Jennisa, but I also have a [small] blog design business (www.blogsbymandy.com), and if you're interested, I'd love to offer you a free blog makeover myself. I'm also happy to offer one to the other Rebekah (wow, does that ever get confusing?) if she wants one.
E-mail me (and have Rebekah e-mail me if she wants one too) at mandy@blogsbymandy.com if you're interested. And if not, no big deal either.
Thanks for your example!! I'll be praying for you!
Wow becky, I don't know how I'd answer that question either. I guess maybe it would depend on my mood and my relationship with the person asking. I admire your patience.
I'm so happy for you to have this job interview! Yay! You definitely know children and would rock that job! Good luck and may Gods favor go before you that day. I love you woman!
Tell your sis she should start a blog to chart her weight loss journey.
Cin
So glad you had the opportunity to watch the two kids and "test" the waters as to wether you could do daycare or not. At least you know now that it just isnt for you anymore. The kids look like they had a blast at the water fountain. Your second daughter looks so much like you. Skyler is such an adorable little guy. Have a wonderful Sunday. That perfect job is on its way.
hey Rebekah! It's been nearly 20 years since I gave birth to the child i relinquished for adoption and i can say the easiest thing is just to include the children who are with you. I used to try and get into the whole well, i have 2 children with me and I gave birth when i was 17 ... yadda yadda yadda ... and truth be told, we dont owe anyone explanations and if in the event you form a relationship with that person you will be able to explain later if you want to. I dont think NOT including Ty in that number in anyway dishonors him,or negates the fact that you gave birth to him, quite the opposite, it is another way of honoring the commitment you made to Ben and Rebekah and recognizing that Ty is now their child ... am i makin' any sense?
Pics of the splash pad are great! The kiddos look like they had a blast! So glad they are back with you. nothing like being a mama duck without all her ducklings!
thanks for the encouragement you posted over at my blog. i appreciate it so!
On the topic of how many children we have--- I have had three miscarriages, one child that died and four kids at home, (one of which we adopted)...I have come to believe that as important they all are to me, it tends to be too much for most everyone else to process. Unless the topic is about everyone on earth and in heaven, I tend to simplify it by answering "I have four children at home", since the others are heavenly. E's birth/first mom and I have chatted and she finds it difficult to answer that one too and feels guilty that she's trying to regain what she's given us, but doesn't want to ever deny him either. She too has chosen to keep the answer simple amongst strangers and open up a little when the situation/comfort level arises.
The bottom line is that we are all God's children and he makes the plan for whom we live...
Hi Rebekah - how about, "I have 6 children; four are with me." Would that work? Seems like it honors all involved (???)
I did child care for many years while I stayed at home with my girls. I agree; when you're done you just 'know' it. But remember what a Blessing you are/were to that family for all that time!
Jennisa at Once Upon A Blog is one cool and talented chicka - she's also my neice and I feel very proud for her for all she's accomplished. She is the person who actually introduced me to blogging and her little girls? Well, they are just like mine were (only about 18 years later). My girls and I often chuckle at the similarities.
Glad that your kids are back and you're having some fun. Even though my girls are grown and gone, I have that happy "settled" feeling when they both come home and are sleeping in their rooms. It's nice to all be under one roof.
Sincerely,
Becky
I think the words to explain the number of children you have will come soon enough. I don't think only acknowledging the four you have with you dishonors Ty or your baby in heaven. Most often are making small talk or are trying to be friendly. Acknowledge your six babies here and with close friends and family.
Good luck with your interview!
I think through time you will figure out what is the best way to answer the question of how many kids you have. And it may change from time to time too. Depending on how you feel or who is asking the question. I think that by saying you have 6 children and 4 with you is enough and doesn't need elaboration. If someone asks to elaborate you can either answer or just simply say that it is personal. I have several friends that have lost children and they always say how many living and then one in heaven.
Once Upon A blog designed my blog layout. She is awesome and fast and easy to work with. But Mandy seems like a nice gal too and is worth checking out.
oops! Once upon a blog didn't do my blog...I almost used her. Instead I used pinkarmchair.
I agree with other posters who say 4. If time/realtionship allows, then you could share more of the story at a later time. But you are mothering/raising 4. Well said by Sara.
As for linking, when composing a blog, if you are in "Compose" mode, vs the "Edit HTML" tab, in another window, open the page you want to link to. Copy the web address. Go to your post, highlight the text you want to be hightlighted to link, then click the little symbol that's a green circle with a white ?chain link? (to the right of the T 'text color' button) and a window will pop up that will ask you for the web address, paste that there. Then end.
I would say " I have six children, some live with me and God is looking out for the rest. I believe that God is keeping an eye on Ty and those people that are insensitive and push further you don't owe any more explanation.
I too have an odd family situation. I have three adopted children whom I've had since they were little...a birth child....and an older foster son who didn't move in with us until he was 17....and lost a baby in the 2nd trimester.
My usual answer is that I have four children living at home and an older foster son. That seems to appease most people.
THANK YOU FOR THIS POST! I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! You don't owe anyone an explanation. Only share when you are comfortable with the person.
In my heart I have 8 children! 2 bio, 2 adopted, and 3 failed adoptions (OH my heart!) after having the children in my home for 2 years, and 1 traditional surrogate son. So 4 of my eight live with me. My youngest son living with me is 1 and my oldest son living with me is 2 so I get strange looks about how I pulled that off and why they don't look the same. Life can be so hard to explain, I struggle explaining it here!
I also worry about dishonoring the four that are not with me by excluding them when people ask how many kids I have. I would never want them to think that I don't love them for even a second!
So after all that talk, what I want to say is your heart knows who your children are. I don't think it matters if people of no consequence understand the details.
hmmm....I see where this could be so personal. I think if a random person asks aboout your children you could say, " I'm raising 4 kids." that is appropriate and the truth. If it is someone you see often or just feel ready to talk about your situation with then I would say, "4 are with me and God is taking car of the other 2." Everything is still so raw and fresh right now, but gosh I admire you so much. Praying for you!
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