I don't have many regrets in my open adoption. But looking back I wish I could have changed a few things. I wouldn't change getting pregnant with Ty, although I wish the circumstances were different. I wouldn't change finding Rebekah and Ben because I now cant imagine my life without them in it. I wouldn't change giving Ty up for adoption, now that I know the outcome...but I would change a few other things.
I spent many many hours thinking about how I wanted the birth to go while I was pregnant. I did a lot of research in the form of reading adoption birth stories and watching adoption stories on TV. I even would seek out people that were adopted and talk to them about their experiences, and I also loved talking to adoptive parents. I was gathering information and forming my idea of the perfect relinquishment. I thought I had it all planned out.
For the most part everything went almost exactly as I planned it. And despite a few drawbacks, like having to get more then one epidural and having my mom fall out in my hospital room just before giving birth, everything was wonderful. However...one of my regrets was not taking enough time with Tyrus. In my mind all I could think about was Rebekah and Ben taking all the "firsts." My life has been full of firsts and because I knew that I would not be parenting him and that this could possibly be R and B's one and only chance for a newborn I wanted the world for them and that came in the form of giving up a few things for myself.
I wasn't sure how I would feel about holding the baby or keeping him in my room. To be honest I was really afraid of experiencing to much emotional pain so I kept Ty at a distance as much as I could. It wasn't because I didn't love him, it was because I loved him so much that I was trying to protect my already broken heart. So, I didn't keep him in my room the first night...and now...I wish I had. I wish I had held him more, I wish I had kept him the whole night and just had more time....more time. I really really regret that. In fact before my rights were terminated and we had left the hospital I wanted so badly to ask if I could have him for just one night. I had no intentions on keeping him or changing my mind...I just wanted to be with him a little longer. But I didn't ask, because I knew it was hard enough on them. Can you imagine...can you imagine the anguish adoptive parents go through. For months me and Rebekah talked...and the promise of a baby was there for them after years and years of infertility, and in a moment I could have changed my mind and Ty would have been mine. My mind was constantly on that scenario, and I wasn't going to change my mind but I afraid of causing them any more stress then they had already gone through.
I think Ben thought I was a crazy women. In the hospital I kept asking Ben if Ty was hungry or if he needed to be fed. There was some maternal thing inside of me that just needed to provide something more for him...and I guess making sure that he was fed and taken care of was my way of voicing that. It had nothing to do with worrying if B and R were caring for him the right way, it was just me, crying out.
So if I could change anything, I would have had more alone time with Ty. Knowing now that it would have been hard on my heart but it would have been OK with R and B to give me that time. In fact, they offered many many times, it was me that was scared.
Now two months later I can think about all these things but I can not change them...and that is OK.
My only other regret is making the choice early on to make it a long distance adoption. I thought I needed the space, I thought I would want the miles between us...again to protect my heart. I have always said that if I didn't have custody of my children I would travel the earth just be with them. I thought that since I was choosing to give up Ty that it would be different and I wouldn't feel that way. I was wrong. It would have been OK for me to be close to them, and I regret making that decision. Really if you think about it, it would have happened anyway because when I found R and B, it would not have mattered where they lived, they were the ones and so there were no options anyway on location. I do know this...just because I relinquished my rights to Ty, no matter how I thought I would feel, I would travel the earth to be with him...and I will someday see him again.