Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Being judged!

I have really grown to love the blogging world. I think that the Internet can be a very dangerous place but for me, whether its through my blog, or through facebook, I have made new friends and been able to get in contact with old friends that without the Internet I would have never talked to again.

When I started my adoption journey with Ty still in my belly I would get LOTS of really hateful comments. Me and Rebekah really struggled with how to deal with them without letting it get to us. For me, and I know she came to this place as well, I learned how to just disregard them and move on.

Today...this one blind sided me. I haven't received a nasty comment in a while and so it caught me by surprise so I thought I would respond to it. It stated:

"You have signed your son up for a lifetime of pain. You are still a mother to him, just the worst kind. An abandoner. God may forgive you, but chances are your son won't. God meant for you to raise ALL of your children. And you just spit on His blessing. May the Lord have mercy on you for your betrayal."

Dear anonymous, I will not pretend to know what place you are in life. I don't know what sort of things you have gone through, but from what you just wrote to me, I can only imagine that you have had a lifetime of pain, either that or you are just super uneducated on the subject of adoption and raising kids. I could go on and on about all my reasons for not parenting Ty. I think if you were to read deeper into my blog you might understand. I wrote my blog partly for people like you who are so closed minded to adoption and single parenthood. I really don't think you have a clue to what you are talking about, and I don't particularly like being judged. You talk about God...but do you know that Moses was adopted and most importantly Jesus was adopted by Joseph? Those were highly orchestrated situations by God. Not to mention that anyone that is a Christian is adopted into the family of God. Lastly, it is quite clear that Ty is in the right place. I am in no position to raise him and I never was. I don't regret my decision and I don't believe that Ty will be angry at me for making it. As for me and God...mercy was given to me in the form of adoption and as a solution to my poor choices. He saved me through it and he saved Ty as well. Thank God for that!!

46 comments:

LL said...

BRAVO!!!! You are so right in your reply. Plus we all are adopted!

I have met so many adoptees in this last year, many that I work with that have so much love for their birthparents and respect for their birthparents for making the decision that they did. They do not feel any hatred at all.

May this anonymous poster, that hides behind the anonymity of the internet find peace and healing.

Jess said...

I'm completely shaking right now! How dare her use God's name in such a hateful comment to you! I love your reply back (well said my friend)...yes, adoption was in the bible. I personally believe Ty will thank you one day for giving him life and loving him so much, so much that you didn't end his life but gave him a better one than you could. You didn't abandon him, you are still in his life and it is very apparent that you love him with all his heart. He is a very special little boy with two moms who love him, his birth mom and his mommy!

God Bless the commenter because she really needs it.

kalibug said...

Wow, this anonymous person is hiding behind supposedly being a Christian. True Christians know that we are not to judge others. Only God is allowed to judge. If God meant you to raise all your children, then why did God allow this adoption? Why? Because He knew that this adoption would take place. He knew as soon as you found out about Ty, where Ty would live and who would raise him. I am glad you did not just delete this comment and blogged about it. Anonymous blogger, I am praying for you too. I am praying that you relook at your Christian beliefs and read your bible, and understand again, that this adoption would not have happened without God's doing.

Jill said...

DANG!! YOU GO GIRL!
I could not have said it better myself! I am so proud of you Rebekah! This person is ignorant! I can say that as a birthmom and an adoptive mom!
You are one BEAUTIFUL person, in God's eyes, and mine!

Allison said...

Good for you! Im so glad you are one to constructively address this person! You dealt with this in the best way possible! Thinking of you tonight and hoping you dont receive awful comments like this anymore!

Rose said...

Ummm, wow, She should have just slapped you across the face. As if it wasn't a painful enough decision for you to make in the first place. And I'm sorry, but abandonment? I don't think so. It's not like you tossed him in a dumpster when he was only hours old to fend for himself...he's been given to an infertile couple, whose hearts and minds and bodies ached for a child, and who will raise him with even more love than he could ever know in a single family. Instead he has two families that love him, who wouldn't want that? I think he will understand one day, how could he not with all of you wonderful parents?? Well written reply, little miss anonymous needs all the prayers she can get!

Anonymous said...

Well done with your reply! Before I read your response, I said to myself that this person probably has never experienced the miracle of adoption.

Lynnette said...

Sorry, but what a mean person to write such hatered and then talk about God...Your reply was beautiful and graceful with class unlike the nasty statement.

Camdon's Momma said...

I am amazed at how some people are close minded on close hearted subjects and feel the need to leave nasty, negative comments to others they don't know. This person shows they know nothing about you, about the place you were in and the reasons you had for making your HARDEST decision in life. I commend you for makind such a difficult decission for someone you were carrying!
I have met so many people who were adopted...all but 1 have had no relation with thier birth parents with no hate towards them and I know 1 woman who after 21 years found her birth mother and has a remarkable relationship with her and her legal parents. I know that in the end, Ty will love you and have no grudge on you. Between the love that you have for him and the knowledge and love that R and B have for him, he will never have hate or anger!

M/J Granata said...

Rebekah... This makes me so sad... and mad that someone could actually write these words. This anonymous poster is very sad and pitiful. I feel very sorry for this person... who felt that lashing out at you, in the worst way, would help "heal" his/her broken heart. This person has no idea how absolutely incredible YOU ARE... and that you are truly a godly woman.

We have NO right to judge each other. Ever.

How disrespectful. How utterly rude and... completely selfish!

You have and continue to experience unbelievable pain as this journey continues, but... God will carry you through this and comfort you along the way.

I hope you are able to repel negative messages such as this one you received recently. You are so much bigger and more mature than than this person.

Bless you, sweet friend. Know that YOU are very special! I have something for you to read... I read it on another blogger's site.

I think of you often and hope that you stay strong! I am so happy you wrote this post. I hope this anonymous poster reads it and your comments, as well.

Bless you today, tomorrow, and everyday thereafter. Love you bunches!

M/J Granata said...

http://birthmamadrama.blogspot.com/

I have not read much... but, the little bit that I did read sincerely touched my heart... hit me hard....

Love you and sending you big hugs today!
:)

Laurie said...

Rebekah,
So glad you posted that. These people should not be allowed to hide behind their hate. It is good for the whole community to know what you have to hear and be able to respond to it.

Your response was perfect. Truth when it permeates a heart, can change a person. We will pray that the truth you gave will do just that. Baby Ty is blessed to have you as are your other children. You didn't stop being his mother when you placed him in the arms of another. Till the day you die you will always be baby Ty's mother. How blessed he is to have both a birthmother and a Mommy to love him all his days. His life will be richer because of it!

Ashley said...

Rebecca,
That was a beautiful response to that aweful comment. That response alone makes me closer to making a decision on adopting a child. We are all adopted into Christ and I am glad you pointed that out.

Ashley said...

Rebekah,

I came across your blog somehow, (I too love blogs) and one led to another to another and somehow I landed on yours. I have been reading ever since.

I read a while back that both of you have been getting nasty emails and comments. I don't understand people. What business is it of theirs? If they don't support it, they need to move on and leave their two cents out.

To both of you, please never let a person like this get to you. Some people are just bad people. I know you realize this and I'm glad you made a response to her to set him/her straight. I'm not really a vocal person when it comes to blogs, but I feel really strongly about what a great situation this has turned into. I don't think you could of found a better momma to raise Ty. Because she couldn't have her own, because she ached so bad for a baby to love and care for, she will and does appreciate this gift more than most. Couples in her and Ben's situation really appreciate the gift they are given. She and Ben are a very special and loving couple. He'll never lack anything. I had a friend who was adopted and she never once got mad at her birthmother. She loved her adoptive parents and she just wanted to find her birthmother so she could meet her, talk to her, know her. Because you and R&B are close, he won't have to wonder who you are. He will know. Ever see the Lifetime move, Mom at 16? The ending was the best part by far. He knew both women as a mommy. One that had him in her belly as a biological mommy and one who was his mommy now. It makes me think that is exactly how Ty will be. :) Take care Rebekah. Always keep your chin up. :)

Denver Jen said...

What a great response! I don't understand why people are like that- let alone going to the trouble of finding your blog and leaving a mean comment. Definitely a troubled soul.

Rachel said...

Rebekah...

Apparently the anti-adoption people were out in full force yesterday. I, too, was attacked.

I think your are spot-on with your biblical references and I think you are an amazing woman. I know that Rebekah loves you. Ben loves you. And Ty will love you. He will understand and he will be grateful to you. Yes, he may have questions, but that's why you and Rebekah are developing such a beautiful relationship.

You give me such hope as an soon-to-be adoptive mommy. I pray that our relationship with S will be like yours.

Anyway... you are an amazing woman and God surely smiles upon you and your decisions. Just ignore the mean-spirited hateful people.

And by the way, I have a degree in biblical exegesis (which is biblica interpretation). I can guarantee you there is nothing in the Bible that would question you, your decision to place Ty with Rebekah and Ben, or your dedication to both Ty, your other children, or Him.

Momma X 4 said...

Rebekah
You are a very strong woman and I admire. I came upon your blog from the other Rebekah (she's precious btw!). I too am a single momma to 4 children and it is so VERY VERY hard. I can totally understand your feelings and your struggles. This person has no cooth and their comment is sickening. Don't let them get you down. You are better than that and frankly, I kind of pity people who think like that. You are so very blessed and so all are of your children - even Ty! Stay strong and next time hit DELETE!!!

Blessings,
Michelle
Woodward, OK

Anonymous said...

AH Rebekah you have such a kind gentleness even in situations like this. I am so glad you can hold your head high for the selfless act you made allowing Ty to have a life different from what you would have been able to give. You are to be admired my fried...admired.

Leah said...

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with such a hateful comment. All we can do is pity people with so much hatred in their hearts.

Mandy and Jack said...

I am FURIOUS that somebody posted this! That's absolutely ridiculous to say that Ty will resent you for the choice you made. It's much more likely that he'll THANK YOU for the BRAVE and DIFFICULT decision of doing what was best for HIM, not you. And obviously this coward of a poster does not read [the other] Rebekah's blog, or they would know that he is VERY well taken care of and more loved than any other baby I've ever seen. Good for you, Rebekah. Good for you.

Rebekah said...

We get hit in doubles :).
It actually makes me laugh. Some people just don't know what to do with us...and our closeness! I also woke up to a nasty comment, this morning. Something about Ty not looking at me (I think she was referring to the picture I have as my profile pic right now) because he's looking off into the heavens for his REAL mother.

Huge eye roll.

Whatev.

We know the truth. And Ty will grow up loving you as much as we do. Bottom line. Adoptees that grow up hating their birthparents are products of bad parenting on the adoptive parents side.

My son will not grow up to hate ANYONE. Let alone the mother that birthed him! For Pete's sake...okay, okay, now I'm riled up :).

Anonymous said...

Ugh. I hate when people act like this.

What ever happened to The Golden Rule, "Judge Lest You Be Judged", "let he without sin cast the first stone", etc? I'm frankly appalled that some of the same people who call themselves "Christians" forget that first and foremost they should be CHRIST-like. Meaning: Don't be a jerk. Especially over something that was obviously THE most difficult (but ultimately right) decision you've ever had to make. Just because someone sprinkles in some blurb about God/Jesus does NOT justify such nasty verbal assaults. SHAME on them!

You wrote a wonderful public response, although this particular individual holds so much bitterness that I'm afraid it's going to be lost on them. But the more important thing is how well you did answer it, for anyone else that wants to try "taking you on". :)

Lora said...

Umm...last time I checked Jesus? He wasn't adopted. Nope. Raised by a step parent, yes. But not adopted. And Moses...old Moses. Not exactly the model adoptee, was he? He went back to his own people and led them to the promised land. And his adopters, well they tried to kill him. Not exactly the kind of analogy most adopters like to here.

Keep holding on.

Anonymous said...

That would be my friend not my fried...LOL

Anonymous said...

Rebekah

A classy response to a hurtful comment. You don't just talk the talk you walk the walk. God Bless you. I think we all should pray for the person who made those comments. I'm sure they have deep hurts that only God can heal.

the Spocks said...

I am sorry you got that comment. I would suggest you turn off all anonymous suggestions.

You did the best thing for Ty, he is happy, healthy and has great parents.

Anonymous said...

I know so many adoptees. Personally know them. Myself being one and all. I know adoptees who feel every emotion of the spectrum regarding adoption. Some are fine with it, some are admittedly in great denial, some find it too painful to even talk about. It is much more complicated that you all are making it seem. There are a bizillion shades or gray, more layers than you can ever imagine.

The things that I, as an adoptee, would tell the non-adopted regarding my feelings is very different than what I will open up and speak to another adoptee about. That is because I know they understand, even if they might not feel exactly the same.

Rebeka said: "Adoptees that grow up hating their birthparents are products of bad parenting on the adoptive parents side."

That is simply not true and such a generalization. My adoptive parents were not good parents at all but I don't hate my biological mother. In fact, I love her very much. NOT because she relinquished me, but because she is my mother. The utter sadness, shame, loneliness, and heart wrenching, soul pounding sheer agony of growing up always wishing my mother would have kept me is something I would not wish on anyone. And the thing is, with everyone around adoptees telling them all the kind of stuff written above about bravery and selflessness and the good of the child very quickly tells the child to stuff their real feelings. I learned to stuff it very well, until I got pregnant and had a child and had a breakdown when all my hurt flooded out of me as I looked at my baby and thought "how could she."

Just think about it, the complexities are enormous. Behind anger there is usually pain.
-Caty

Jenn said...

I can say as an adopted child, YOU are the MOST AMAZING type of mother! One who cared more for her child then herself. When I wrote my first (and what I was afraid would have been only) letter to my birhtmother, the first line said "Thank You for making the choices you did, I know it had to have been hard, however, I am so incredibly grateful". Forget what dumb people say! (I know, very 4th grade- but fits perfectly!!!)

Katie said...

It's very easy for you to believe you made the right decision. But as an adopted person, I can tell you I've wondered most of my life why I wasn't good enough for my mother to keep. I can only imagine I would be devastated if I found out that she had four other children she kept and raised.

All of this talk about it being the best decision, and adoptees being grateful for having been surrendered saddens me because any time (for whatever reason) that a mother and child are separated it is truly a tragedy. And to use God to justify that tragedy is just wrong.

Anonymous said...

You are an amazing woman and mother! You did the right thing. People are just sick and will say anything to hurt others. You made the most unselfish choice. We all know that you love Ty and there was never any question about that. Just keep your head up and your eyes on GOD!!! Hugs and PRAYERS! Mollie (ohio)

Jenna said...

I fail to understand how the story of Moses applies here. Moses was, in fact, raised by his Israelite mother, as she pretended to just be a wet-nurse to him so that he wouldn't die at the hand of Pharoah. Moses's mother didn't relinquish him willingly, she was forced to give him away so that he wouldn't be killed, there's a big difference between that and just signing yourself up for the choice of relinquishment.

In addition, Moses grew up and killed a member of his adopted community. He returned to his first family the Israelites and was pursued by his adoptive family (Pharoah, et. al) and he called God's wrath on them and they died when the sea came crashing down on them. This is after he worked with God to bring plagues on his adoptive community, because his adoptive community held his first community/family in slavery. He was reunited with his natural brother Aaron and his older sister Miriam, and they became great leaders in his birth family and their culture.

So...how does that make a good adoption story? It seems more like to me it would be a story about the power of keeping people together with their natural families and cultures, rather than a great testament to adoption.

You also mention Jesus as a story of adoption, but once again I fail to see the relevance there. Jesus was, in fact, raised by his biological mother Mary. He had a stepdad Joseph, and was considered part of his biological line, but that doesn't really apply in your situation either. I fail to understand the comparison...are you going to raise your child with another man? If not, then the relevance of Jesus' story is moot. Also, it would be important to note along the way, that Jesus was very connected to his biological father aka God, and I find no evidence biblically for anything contradicting that...he in fact claims "I and my Father are one," and I don't know how much closer you can get to 'someone' than to consider yourself one with them.

As a christian adoptee I am always surprised by the use of the bible to support atrocities against humanity. There was a time when the Bible was used to support slavery, and I feel that it is being similarly applied in response to adoption. I recognize the arguement that we are all "adopted by God," but once again that argument doesn't seem transferable to the human act of adoption. Being adodpted into God's family is in fact a reunion and restoration into God's presence that was interupted by the fall in Genesis. We are in fact being restored into our rightful place in God's family, rather than being seperated and losing our identities like what happens to us in human adoption.

Holly said...

Wow, I can't believe how many people there are out there that are not for adoption!! Anytime you have a set of parents that would give their life for a child and love them that much (as Ty's parents do), you have a successful outcome. No, not all adoptive parents are the greatest, and not all BIRTH parents are the greatest. In this case though, I believe everyone won, especially Ty!

Anonymous said...

My 16 year old cousin made the difficult decision to place her baby for adoption. She had the baby this Tuesday. Yesterday the adoptive couple took their baby home.One that they never thought they would have. I am proud of her for doing this. And I am happy for the couple whose dreams came true with this baby.
I can't imagine anyone being hateful like the comments you received. How horrible of them and sad for you. You know that you did the right thing. It was a very hard thing for you to do too. I am proud of you.

K.

KB said...

UGH what a loser they are! Just ignore them. You are a WAY better woman than they are!

Anonymous said...

I was not adopted legally, but I was raised by my Step Father and Mother. Just because it wasn't written on paper doesn't mean he didn't adopt me. He was the one that took care of me when I was sick, held me when I cried, disciplined me when needed, and was joyous with me when I was happy. How is that not adopting the needs of a child? I believe R used Jesus and Moses as a metaphor for adoption, not a literal documented adoption. She acted like Moses' mother did, not literally, but with the same sentiment. She saw how hard it would be to raise him, and sent him in a "basket" to the parents that would be able to "raise him." Ty is a loved child, and is so special that he has 3 parents that love him to pieces, how could that be a bad thing? Hold your head up high and don't let people get you down R.

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't"
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Quotes by Eleanor Roosevelt, respectively.

Good luck in life, I wish you the best.
Ashley

Sabrina said...

I really think a lot of your negative comments are just lack of understanding, not understanding something that is unimaginable to them. You have given Ty a better life, and you know that. R&B are wonderful parents and you did what was best for Ty.

Jodi said...

I just found your blog for the first time! (I have been following Rebekah & Ben's journey for a while now) and think that it takes an incredible amount of courage and self-lessness to place a baby for adoption. You gave the greatest gift to Rebekah and Ben...the precious gift of life, and of parenthood.

I feel we should never judge one another, especially until we've walked in that person's shoes. Ignore the haters who don't understand the awesome gift that you bestowed, and have peace in knowing how kind your heart is. Many blessings!

Susanne said...

Wow.. that person has some nerve.

God hears you, loves you, and knows your every step. I have no doubt he walks with you and sweet Ty. You did what was best for you and him. You are an amazing Mother.

I am glad you responded to such hateful words. I'll pray for that person.. that they can find God's grace and kindness.

Anonymous said...

I hope Jenna is able to have her own children and not have to adopt. Lets hear it from you Jenna if you were in that situation...your a bully!

Deb said...

what an idiot. NEXT!

Deb said...

i think most of these comments are way too hard on this person who is obviously deeply hurting. This is a tough road and none of us can pretend that many lives are not deeply and profoundly affected. By sharimg your blog, you are in many ways inviting us into a place that most of us would keep private. This platform will help to educate so many and will also be a stepping stone to healing and will open some very deep wounds in others. This is a journey for all of us. Even though I don't agree with the comments made regarding your choices, I strongly believe this has allowed these feelings to surface for this person. The journey can be tough!!! Hang in there and God bless.

Becky said...

I believe comments like this come from adoptees, in closed adoptions, who were never told the whole truth about thier circumstances. Very, very sad really. Living with such pain and hatred, and it's not necessary!
You handled it so well.
Can't believe I've never had such comments on my blog!

Maru and Fico said...

I admire you... Just ignore such comments. Loved your reply. And hey - this is YOUR blog. You can moderate the comments and choose not to post them. And you can reply to comments. Just sign in as yourself and post! Just as you do in other blogs, do the same with your blog. Sending big hugs your way, Maru :o)

consolidatingcricket said...

"I believe comments like this come from adoptees, in closed adoptions, who were never told the whole truth about thier circumstances."

Actually, you'd be surprised to hear that it's not just the adoptees in closed adoptions that have experienced deep loss from being adopted.

Anonymous said...

You need to take the Anonymous comment option off of here, it will save you a lot of pain. Don't give the negative people an audience, they don't deserve it!

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