Monday, May 10, 2010

Inside of me.

Have you ever sobbed? I'm not talking about little whimpering cries that you might have when you are sad or feeling some other emotion. I mean HEAVING sobs that come deep down as if it were not you that was crying but your very inner soul? I experienced that after Ty was born. For about two to three days straight my heaving sobs continued day and night. I had no control over them. They came even when tears ran out. I had a continuous lump in my throat for weeks.

Time went on and I felt better. In fact after Ty was born and the weeks went on I cried less and less until I rarely cried at all. I felt that it was all to easy. Why were my other birth mom friends still sad (I mean really sad) months later and I wasn't.

This afternoon when I came home from work I clicked on Rebekah's blog (as I frequently do) and was pleasantly surprised to see a new mothers day blog post. Oh my heart soared as I read it. Her and her husbands happiness, Ty's happiness. It was a great post, but then, the heaving sobs came again. I felt them come from the very bottom of my belly and again as if they were coming from my inner being. They feel like they are rolling out of me, the sadness, the loss. I found myself asking if this was normal. Why would I be so sad when I am so happy about how things are now? Why at a moments notice would I be smiling and then the sobs begain again almost a year later?

Is this normal?

20 comments:

Jenni said...

Because you love him with a mother's love. It still happens to me 15 years later. Something unexpected can reopen the wound, and it is very fresh again. It doesn't mean that you do not feel sincere joy or that you made the wrong decision. But Ty is still such a baby, and it hasn't been that long. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are normal. Sobbing is normal. If you could lose your child and NOT sob sometimes... even years later... THAT would not be normal. Just like your moments of joy are an expression of your love for him, so is your grief and all the tears you will shed. One day, he will need to know that you DID grieve losing him and that the void he left was never filled. It's so paradoxical. The joy and the pain. Both can be true. You don't have to forsake one for the other. And you shouldn't. Let each have its place. It's ok. It doesn't displace loyalty. <3

Faith said...

I believe it is normal. I can't speak to your experience, but I can speak to mine as the mommy of two angels lost too soon. Grief is not a linear trajectory - it doesn't start at one end and end at the other. Instead, it ebbs and flows, as our hearts and minds deal with it a little better each time it hits us. Feelings are not black and white. We can feel LOVE and GRIEF all in one situation. I wish for you peace...know that you are thought of.

birthmothertalks said...

Yes. It's normal. I cry like that mostly on her birthday. I think it's important to let yourself feel the sadness when it hits.

LL said...

Hugs Rebekah. So normal. Totally human. Even through happiness you cant still grieve and feel the heavy loss. I know our daughter's bithmom has good days...really good days. But I also know she has bad days. It reminds me just how much love a mother has for her child, even though they have chosen someone else to be called mom. And that love doesn't lessen in it's strength no matter how much time has passed.

Sara said...

Rebekah .... it's been a while since I have stopped by and I am so glad I did. I can only speak for my own experience. While I was only 17 when I gave H up for adoption, our situation was very similar in that it was open and her family and I remained in very close contact. I believe that relinquishing a baby for adoption is much like the death of a very close loved one. There are stages one must go through and quite honestly you never quite know when you will get to each one. Keep in mind you are mourning a loss. The loss of a dream, the loss of a hope and the loss of a baby in your arms. As women we were created to give birth and nurture that child which grew within us. Through the work of the enemy and the entrance of sin things changed and somewhere along those lines we end up suffering for our own choices when we step outside of Gods will and seek love and affection in other places.

Once you were pregnant you had a decision to make ... either one would have been difficult. Raising Ty would have been difficult on you on him, on the pocket book, on your other children ... Allowing Ty to be adopted by Rebekah and Ben meant it would be most difficult on You.You made the MOST LOVING CHOICE, THE MOST SELFLESS CHOICE and though you know the outcome will far out weigh your pain, your grief is real and hard and give yourself a break it has been less than a year!

YES BEING HIT BY UNCONTROLLABLE HEAVING SOBS IS NORMAL IN THIS SITUATION! EVEN WHEN YOU KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR TY IS TO BE WITH REBEKAH AND BEN. YOU ARE NORMAL!

H is now almost 21 and I can tell you it gets sooo much better. By the time she was about 3 I was able to be much more involved in her life without being so sad for myself. Not feeling sorry for myself, just sad it couldn't be different for me and for H. When I see her today, which is almost everyday, I think of how incredible God is. How blessed H is to now be the oldest of 9 siblings and what a beautiful young woman she has become. I NEVER in my wildist dreams could have given her what she had without her parents and I am so tahnkful for them. But somewhere in the back of my mind I remember those sobbing moments, I remember the heaving and I can tell you from the other side of things, the out come far out weighs your pain.

Hold on tight to God, HE will give you all you need to make it through. Look to HIM for your comfort and to heal your heart! I am praying for you and your kiddos!

Rose said...

I think you wouldn't be normal if you didn't feel anything at all...I can't imagine the heartache that must come knowing you are missing so many special moments, however, you are able to rest easy in the other times as you know you gave him the best life possible by giving him the gift of his adoptive family. Hope you enjoyed your family on Mother's Day as well, you are a beautiful person, and a terrific, loving mother.

Melrose said...

Read "A Grief Observed" by C.S.Lewis It has nothing to do with babies but I read it when my dad was killed in a plane crash and it was the only thing that helped bring validation to my grief. Now almost 9 years later I still will hear a song he loved or eat his favorite pizza and suddenly turn into a sobbing mess. Yes Ty is still here, thank God for that, but your baby left your arms. Im praying for you tonight Rebekah.

Britney said...

totally normal, sweetie! ((hugs))

Laurie said...

I too see your crying as an out pour of your love...your love for Ty of course...but your love for Rebekah and Ben as well. Because you know and you get how much Ty's prescence in their life has changed them. And your loss was their gain. Adoption is so bitter sweet. I was watching the final episode of a series called Teen Mom on MTV and the couple that chose to place their baby for adoption sat on stage while the host read a letter from the adoptive parents and showed a series of pictures of their little girl and the tears immediately flowed down both of their young faces like water. I began to sob deeply for them, not because I know at all their pain...but because I have shared in the blessing of their sacrifice, the sacrifice of all birth families who have made that decision.

I love reading your blog because it reminds me of that and my heart breaks for you. And I feel God's love pour over me. I believe in your brokeness is when His love is given the chance to most wash over you as well. Much love, friend!

All My Monkeys said...

Wow - what Sara had to say. That it's mourning a loss, even though the outcome truly is good. Your mind can still wonder about the what if;s, and he's flesh of your flesh.

Anonymous said...

You know Rebekah you are so real. Of course it is normal to grieve. You have experienced a great loss yet are so blessed to have such an open relationship with R and B. Ty's birthday is coming up, you just saw him, it was Mother's Day and your cousin just had a newborn son. Probably all of these fact put together brought on a period of grieve. A good sob is good for your soul. I lost my firstborn son 20 years ago to stillbirth and I still sob sometimes. A loss is a loss no matter how it came about. Blessing to you sweet blog friend.

Annjeri said...

I love you so much sis. I cannot fathom the depth's that you are feeling now or what you feel every day. I am glad that you are working through this though, and that you have such great people giving you wonderful advise on this blog.
Love you,
Sis

K. said...

Yes. Because you are his mother.

Anonymous said...

I lost my son 5 years ago and sometimes I still sob deep down in my inner soul. I honestly do it at least 6 times a year. I miss my baby and I am sure you do too.

Rebekah said...

Sweet Rebekah. You are normal. These are the facets of adoption that often get shoved in the closet.My greatest treasure was your largest loss. Ty is beyond blessed to have a mother that cares so deeply about him. Your grief will give his heart much peace, one day. He will always know your love.

I know I cannot erase your pain...I wish I could.

Love you.

J said...

Oh honey, you are very normal. It is normal to love Ty so much that you cry for him deep down within. Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for letting us see the other side of adoption.

No, you are not alone. We all care about you and I'm so glad you are here blogging about your life.

Anonymous said...

Yes. Yes I do know those sobs you are talking about. Every time I see a picture of a baby, I think HOW could my mother have just left me? Why wasn't I good enough to keep? I sob because all I ever wanted in the world was my mother, but she didn't love me enough to keep me.

Anonymous said...

DWH Anonymous doesn't realize that her birth mother may have loved her too much to keep her. I watched the video on your profile this morning. I am not the crying type usually. Tears poured down my face the whole time. Like I told your daughter...it wasn't because of the sadness, it was because of the overwhelming outpouring of pure, innocent love!!

webkinzfan said...

Rebekah- I just found your blog today. I'm a loyal "Heart Cries" reader and I knew about his blog, but I had never been able to find it before now. This post and Rebekah's response touched my heart and made me weep- like so many of her posts do. I think your completly normal. I can only imagine the pain of carrying a baby for 9 months and relinquishing him for adoption. I've never been through that. I am an adoptee, though and the first time I talked to my birth mom on the phone she cried when she told me of the pain of relinquishing me 35 years before. Open adoption was not an option back then. I imagine she sobbed when she gave me up. I cried, but did not sob for several days afterward just hearing her pain.
I have sobbed, though and I know what you mean. My sobs too seemed to come from my inner being. The first time- in recent years- I was amazed that I could sob like that!
It seems that the very core of my heart- where I envision the sobs coming from- is so well insulated that it only responds with sobs in response to OVERWELMING sorrow- which saying good by to your baby must have been! In my case the tramas were the death of my cat, who because I have no children was my "little girl", and learning that the two children who I had taken care of since they were tiny
babies- and thus firmly embeded in my heart were moving 5 hours away.
Yes, I'd say you're completly normal, but that dosen't take away the hurt. HUGS from Tracy T. in Iowa

webkinzfan said...
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