Thursday, May 6, 2010

Making it all work!!

I have about three weeks left with my big kids before they leave for Arizona to be with their dad and Grandma. I cant believe we have another school year under our belts. I feel unbelievably accomplished that we made it through the year. The children have learned some hard lessons this year. From theft to smoking to the accusation of doing drugs...from bad attitudes and threats of suicide and running away...from finding Gods grace and forgiveness. My children are still alive and healthy and ready to start the next year of school. Sigh! What a whirlwind!

As for me, I feel worn out. That's not an uncommon feeling for me this time of year. The kids leaving for Arizona is both happy and sad for me. So many thoughts run through my head...did I love them enough? Was I grumpy all the time? Will they miss me? How much will I cry when they are gone? The thoughts are endless. On one hand, I desperately need the break. I don't do much beyond go to work and then come home to the kids for most of the entire year, so for the kids to be gone is a much needed break....but....they are an extension of me no matter how tired I am at the end of the day and I will miss them.

My job continues to go.....OK? I love what I do. The patients are amazing. I love making them smile. I love setting appointments and filing charts and dictating doctors notes. I'm really really good at most of my job, but at the really detailed parts I'm not so good.....YET!!! I continue to get coached and talked to and warned that I need to improve. I thank God that he has given me the opportunity to work in a doctors office. I never thought that I would get this opportunity; however, the job still is not officially mine. I still have to prove myself every single day. Sometimes it is exhausting.

My weight continues to be an issue. My feet hurt. I struggle to turn over in bed because of the weight of my body. I decided to try a new angle. My mind set seems to be really good and so I am trying the Mayo diet. So far (within three days) I have lost about two pounds. I'm not making any promises, I'm just going to take it one day at a time. I need to loose weight and get healthier. Already it feels good to make changes. We will see where it leads me.

My mind is on Tyrus a lot. I'm constantly looking over to Rebekah's blog to see how he is doing. I long for my phone calls with Rebekah. I remember every day what it felt like to hold him and kiss his little head. I'm so glad I had the opportunity to see him in person. I am a lucky lucky girl (except I really don't believe in luck but what other word do you use?)

I am blessed beyond measure. I still kinda hate my hair. My puppy is growing like a weed, and the trees are blooming. Whats next?


LL said...

I can just imagine how much you are going to miss your kiddos this summer! But I also think that the summer may bring you a renewed spirit and body! Best wishes with the weight loss and with the job.

I do not believe in luck either...just God's blessings. And may you continue to have more and more of them!

birthmothertalks said...

I know you miss Tyrus. How could you not? Adoption is so hard, because even though, you feel you did right. You miss him so much. I understand and I am happy that your in a good spot with his parents.
I wish I had that with my daughter's parents. I wish they knew how much they mean to me.
I too been feeling the strain from weight issues. I find working out to be my best option. But it's hard to keep it up.

mak'n Changes said...

I was trying to think of something great and profound to say to make u feel better but all I know to say is how much I love u and how proud I am of you! Your strength amazes me and I find myself thinking of you often. I hope you are able to take some "me" time this summer and feel a little relaxed. You probably will be able To focus on the job better with the kids out of town.
I love u bek! I'm so proud of u!

Annjeri said...

You can do it sis. You are strong and can accomplish anything you put your heart and mind to. Will keep you in my prayers. Love you.

Rebekah said...

What a different summer this one will be, huh? I pray that it is one of rejuvenation. That God will meet you in a new, special way. I know Skyler is very ready for some one-on-one mommy love!!! :0)