Feelings

I'm sitting here in my quiet house...thinking. The boys are asleep and I am left with my thoughts.

Today was a good day. We received a delivery of about 500 toys and I had the great pleasure of sorting through them and then giving them out to about 150 precious children. The sorting and giving took most of my morning at work. It left me happy and fulfilled and again thanking God for giving me such a wonderful job.

I think I have mentioned that I work for a daycare center. I work behind the receptionist desk and I fill many rolls. One of the small things I do is give the teachers bathroom breaks when they need it. They step out of the classroom and I step in. Today it was the toddler teacher that needed a break, so I stood in her classroom. It was the end of nap time and there were four todds still sleeping and one awake. As I was standing there she just stared at me with her big blue eyes. I just kept looking at her...she has beautiful light red hair and could pass for a precious moments doll. I couldn't stand her laying there awake....so I reached out my arms and she got off her nap time cot and walked into my arms. I lifted her off the ground and she wiggled her head into my shoulder and just stayed there. I thought back to before I became a birth mom....I always loved children and I would always hug them...but now its not the same. When I hold these precious little ones (who are the same age as Tyrus) it makes me feel like a delicate flower...beautiful on the outside...but so fragile on the inside. The difference now is that these babies are in my arms expecting me to hold them up and not drop them....but what they don't know is that I am depending on them to hold me...to hold my heart so it doesn't break. I am so grateful that I work in the place that I do. I can miss Tyrus...grieve my losses...and then hold a precious two and a half year old...and be grateful for how things turned out. Its a wild mix of emotions that nobody could possibly understand unless they have gone through it.

Its been a long time since I have opened my heart on this blog. I think I needed a break from the emotion of it all. So many things have changed in my life...good and bad. I desperately miss my girls, and I know that the distance between me and them will not change for a very long time. I try to remember that my girls do not belong to only me...but to everyone that loves them and I am grateful that everyone has pitched in to make their lives better. In case anyone was wondering, the girls are doing great....but of course...that doesn't change the fact that my heart longs to be with them again.

A year ago If I had one wish, I would have wished for my life to be steady. I'm tired of the big changes and adjustments that I have had to make. Now, a year later, I think I'm reaching a steady point. Ive been dating (in old fashioned terms "going steady") the same guy for over four months. He is 44 and a retired Captain in the Army. I don't blog about it because I am scared that if I talk about it too much then something will change and I wont have HIM anymore. Am I screwed up or what???? That's what happens to a girl that cant make things stick...or I should say...cant make men stick. But, I decided to face my fears and talk a little bit about it. I will say that this man, that I can now call my boyfriend...is a really really good man. He does what he says he is going to do, and he takes care of me and the boys.

So...for now, I am enjoying NOT being single...I'm trying not to worry about what might or might not be around the corner leaving me alone again. When I get sad or depressed I pull out the old whisky bottle and drown out my sorrows...LOL. I'M TOTALLY KIDDING!!! I am not a drinker (except a glass of wine here or there).

I love this saying...and I refer to it a lot:
"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've would've happened...or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the heck on."

Of course you could insert a stronger word in place of "heck" but I'm just not the cussing kind....LOL.

Take care!!

My birthday

Yesterday I turned 36. I worked all day and went home to a home cooked meal that my mom brought over. I am so thankful that my mom was so thoughtful of my schdule and didnt want me to have to cook. Thanks mom!!

I did work all day (ten hours), but received many wonderful surprises while I was working. My mom brought me a very beautiful fall flower arrangment, my best friend also brought me flowers and this wonderful painting (that she did herself). Isnt it beautiful?

Rebekah and Ben and Ty sent me an Etible Arrangments....which is so yummy!! It was the first time I had received one of those so that was really fun.

I also was sent a video from our sweet Ty. Its always so much fun to see him on video since we live so far from each other. This video was different as I imagine all the future videos will be because he is growing so fast and talking more and more. I felt so blessed while watching it because Ty calls me his "first mom." Now no two and a half year old would naturally know that he has two moms or that he was adopted...but this one knows...and seems to know it so naturally that his very special story just flows off his tongue. The reason that little Ty knows his story so well at such an early age is because his parents tell him his story all the time. They want him to know where he came from. I can claim no credit for what this little boy knows, I can only say that I grew him in my belly and gave him a chance at a very loving productive life....I hold his beginnings...Rebekah and Ben hold his future and ultimately God holds him in His hands. Ty's parents keep me alive in Ty's life. Its obvious they talk about me all the time. He remembers me from when I went to visit...I couldn't ask for more. I wanted to post this video here but I couldnt figure out how. It is so incredibly sweet.

Thank you sweet Ty for my birthday video. I love you very much!!!!!

Everything is fine

Hello everyone! I must make this short but I wanted to check in. Things are going well. The kids are all doing great. Im doing wonderful and am dating a very very nice man. We have been dating for a little over a month now. Im very happy.

My weight loss as it stands is 202-203 depending on the day and that is a grand total of 117 pounds lost. GO ME!!!!!! Im in a size 14 pants and I can wear a size Large shirt in womens. Im feeling good.

I know many of you read Rebekah's blog. One of the main reasons Im posting this is because I have received many texts and comments from people that are worried about my son because Rebekah voiced some concerns about one of "Ty's older sibling (brothers)" that is having a hard time. I assure you that it is not one of my boys. Ty has brothers from my kids and his birth father kids and it is unfortunatly on the birth fathers side. Of course the situation is very sad and so if you are the praying type please pray for this boy as he needs it.

Blogging has certainly taken a back seat since I have sent the girls to their dads and started dating. It is a new chapter in my life but I am certain I will be back at it soon as I have so much to share.

For now I am enjoying the upcoming Fall that I feel in the air, and life is pretty good.

Until next time,
Rebekah

My visit to see Tyrus...

I know how long overdue this is. Its funny how life can just fly by and I notice that I feel like I am so busy that I don't take the time to do the things that used to bring me so much joy like reading and blogging. I miss it here!

I'm doing well. My life centers around the boys and work and loosing weight...and lately a tad bit of dating.

I did make it out to see Rebekah and Ben and Tyrus. I got more and more excited as the day approached. Care for the boys was set...time off work was scheduled and my bags were packed. The day came and what I thought was going to be a quick 4.5 hour flight to Michigan turned out to be a tear filled frustrating day. To make it short...after ALL day waiting and three different flights...I finally arrived in Michigan around midnight (a whole day wasted). I went to baggage claim to collect my bags only to find out that because of all my delays and switched flights, my bags were missing. Sometimes in life you just have to laugh...and I'm not sure me and Rebekah laughed that night but in retelling the story later we sure did. I did eventually get my bags delivered to Rebekah's house...but not until the night before I left. Nice hugh? LOL

What mattered most was that I made it there. What mattered most was the amazing moments I had with this wonderful family.

I bought Ty an airplane at the airport while I was waiting. He loved it. It made take off noises and I found that I could make him laugh if I made it fly across the coffee table and crash onto the floor. I think I did that for him 100 times.

We went to a dairy farm. Ty couldn't say Rebekah. It came out more like Helga. I laughed and giggled every time he called me Helga. It didn't bother me at all. Every time we were in the car I could hear him behind me from the back seat say "HHHEEEELLLLGGAAAA," in his sweet almost two year old voice. He would call me and call me until I would look back and make a funny face at him.

It was cold and rainy that day, but we didn't care. Ben had to work so it was Rebekah me and Ty...staying warm...smiling a lot.

This fountain was beautiful. We were able to get someone to take our picture.

We had a big family get together so everyone could meet me and I could meet them. All these people who sent me cards and gifts and well wishes I could finally meet in person. It was such a wonderful time. The lost day meant nothing at this point...we were all laughter and giggles.

The last evening came. It was time for Ty to say goodnight. I must have read him eight books in his room....just he and I. Rebekah and Ben didn't come in the room...they just left us alone. It was a gift to me and one I wont forget.

Saying good night for the last time.
I wondered if he would get up the next morning and yell HELGA down the stairs as he had the past morning only to realize I was gone....and that made me sad.
Sweet kisses, from this sweet boy!
It was a wonderful trip. Rebekah and Ben treated me like family....because we are family. I was never uncomfortable, never felt awkward, just loved. We didn't cry except when we were reminiscing about the beginning of Ty's life. It wasn't as hard as I thought to say goodbye because I knew I would see him again...although today as I type this I am holding back the tears....I miss them all so much!!

Before I left Rebekah said to me "When can you come back?" I'm so blessed!!!

Questions and answers...

This is questions and answers by Rebekah and Rebekah...enjoy!!!!

quite an adventure!

I'm on my way to see Ty. My adventure started out at five oclock this morning and is far from being over. Lets just say that when you are sitting in an airport getting ready to board but the plane has not arrived and you hear the lady behind the front counter say "I think we are going to need more cookies," there is something very wrong. More to come......

Rose

Ok, point taken. Thanks!

Comes with the territory!

I remember when I was pregnant with Skyler and had just made the choice to leave his dad. At only three months pregnant with three other little ones tagging along I was scared to death. I couldn't believe that I was about to start from scratch yet again. It seems to be a pattern in my life...one that I don't like repeating.

When Skyler was born I had pretty much lost touch with his dad. I spoke to him one last time when Sky was about three weeks old. We had to talk about the divorce and taxes and things like that. The conversation was short and I could tell he was mad at me. He made it clear that I was in the wrong and that I should never have left him. The last thing he said to me was "I hope nothing bad happens to him. You made a bad choice and I just hope nothin bad happens to him." I had heard this man say things like this about other people that he was mad at. He on several occasions wished people bad luck or death or he would threaten to put nails in peoples tires. He would voice his ill wishes towards people and the anger that spilled off of his lips was enough to make me hurl. I had heard him talk like this a lot but I had never imagined that he would wish his own son ill will. His words towards our son ring in my ears often.

Skyler has never met his dad. I have sent pictures only to have them returned. I don't have his phone number or address. Skyler is fatherless, and has been since birth.

Life has been really hard for Skyler. His behavior at school shows it. Somehow between birthing him and raising him to five years old I have failed in some way. At least that is how I feel. He is five years and three months old. He can say his ABC's, count over twenty in English and count to about fifteen in Spanish. He knows left and right and can ride a bike without training wheels. These are just a few of the things about him I love...but mostly...he is so loving and constantly tells me "mom...I love you so much." But the problem is he wont sit in time out at school or be still in circle time or story time. He has a fit when they try to put him in time out and I cant figure out what is going on with my kid. Is it because he doesn't have a father? Is it because I have been so distracted with the girls and their issues or getting pregnant and the adoption or finding a job and loosing it just to start another one.....and maybe he fell through the cracks? What is it? What have I done wrong? What could I have done different?

Thoughts run through my head all day long. It makes me mad. I should have still been married and a stay at home mom and then my children would have received all the time and attention they deserved. My son shouldn't be in daycare being cared for by strangers that he cant relate to. I shouldn't be away from my five year old for eleven hours a day. Its not right...its not natural for me...yet...its life. I didn't plan for this. I feel responsible. I feel like I'm being punished for the wrong choices I made although I know in my heart that its really just consequences for bad choices made...but it still don't make it fare for my fatherless child.

I just want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The future again seems uncertain. I work at a daycare center but because of Skyler's behavior they lovingly asked me to find another place for him to attend. In compliance and because I adore my job, I did as they asked. He starts at the new center on Friday. I have tomorrow off and I will be loving on my son and spending as much time as I can with him. Come Friday, he will start yet again a new adventure. Because he wont be coming to work with me anymore, his time at the center will be extended about forty minutes because of my travel time. That's eleven hours and forty minutes a day at a daycare center with strangers watching him. I'm so incredibly sad I cant stop crying.

I put on a pretty face and smile big though. Nobody needs a cry baby, and God knows that it isn't fun to deal with a sad person...so down it goes. Sometimes I get so lonely although I'm never alone with my two precious boys. Its such a huge responsibility to raise children with two parents let alone one. Again I lean on God. I lean on his promises that "He will be the father to the Fatherless." My son needs that. I know this season of our lives will pass and we will survive...but the surviving part is excruciating. Sometimes I feel I will break in two and that I'm only being held together by small strings. The joy of the Lord is my strength...the joy of the Lord is my strength. I need your strength Lord.

The countdown begins...

I have a HUGE announcement to make. Are you ready for it????? I am flying out to see Tyrus and his momma and daddy in about seven weeks. WHOOP WHOOP!!! I'm beyond excited. Normally they would come out here on there vacation but I have been wanting to go out there and now that Ty is older, he is is a bit more active, and it would be challenging for them to travel. Boy can I relate to that. When my kids were younger I would fly out to visit my parents and I truly thought the plane would never land. I got the the point where I would only fly on the red eyes (late at night) so that hopefully the kids would sleep through the four hour flight. (sigh)

This trip is extra special to me. I actually get to fly to Ty's home state by myself. I LOVE my kids but my five year old is a little high maintenance. Ive never been able to spend time with Ty and his family without my little ones running around. I don't feel like Ive ever really had a chance to enjoy Tyrus. I will only be there for three days but I plan on soaking up every minute of it. I CANT WAIT!!!

My girls are doing good. My oldest was just here in Colorado for a week. She didn't stay with me, she stayed with my mom. I thought she wouldn't want to see me but it turned out to be an amazing week of hugging and laughing and visiting. She didn't want to go back...but she did...and it was a horrible sad goodbye again. I hate her being away, but it is the best thing for now. My second oldest daughter is doing wonderful. Here daddy and step-mom are taking wonderful care of her. I talk to her about three times a week and she seems very happy.

Life has settled down over here. Having just the boys is different and has taken some adjustment. Life is certainly not perfect. I'm constantly having to tell Matthew that life does not have to rule him...but that he can rule his life. I tell him not to let the sad things he has gone through determine his moods or his path to happiness, but to instead look to God and to rise above his circumstances. He gets it....sometimes.

I am OK. I am dabbling into dating here and there. The dating world is not friendly. I'm constantly watching my back and wondering "whats the point," but I then remember that I deserve to be happy. Somehow someday, I will find a man who is trustworthy. I love the song by Michael Buble called "Haven't met you yet." You can listen to it below. One of the lyrics goes:

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid that I'll give so much more than I get
I just havent met you yet

So, I wait for love...although it seems Ive been waiting for true love all my life, kinda like the princes in "tangled." Although I dont like kid movies, I ended up enjoying this one very much. Love truly is a universal language and everyone is looking for it...so why is it so hard to find?

OVERDUE!!

I just posted on my weight loss blog. I am so overdue to post here. I will get around to it. In the meantime, there is an interview that I did with Rebekah here. But please when your done...wiggle your way back over here and see some better pictures of me. UGGGG!! I love that that picture is with Rebekah and Ty, but I sure looked awful!!! The GOOD news is, I'm planning a trip to go see Ty, Rebekah, and Ben in May. Details to follow!!!!!!!

MckMama without pitty?

Ive wanted to blog about this for a long time but haven't taken the time to do it. Ive been a follower of MckMama for a long time. I think her blog is a story of sorrow and healing and victory. I think she blogs the truth, loves the Lord with all her heart, and isn't afraid to show it. I have a lot of respect for her. Her children are precious and her photography is amazing. More on MckMama in a minute.

I am also a follower of MWOP which stands for "MckMama without pity." I am not actually a follower but I pop in here and there because it astounds me, but not in a good way. This blog was put together for one soul purpose...to destroy MckMama. Why do I even care about this you ask? Well, truly I don't really care that much about it but it is sad that these people put so much time and attention into destroying one person. Seriously? If you visit this blog its crazy to see how many comments are posted under each post. They number in the thousands. I cant imagine how much gossip and slander and lies these people are conversing about. Its destructive, a waste of time, and truly holds no purpose.

Mckmama started blogging before her little Stellan was born. Stellan was born with a heart condition and was not supposed to live....but he did. We all blog here in the blog world. Most of us blog about the trials in our lives or the tragedies that we are going through. Most of our blogs don't get much attention, we don't receive many comments, yet we still blog because its therapeutic. Jennifer's blog; however, did become popular and she did receive offers for adds that offered the chance to make money. What would you do if you had the chance to make money just for blogging? Would you do it? I sure as heck would. Bring me a chance to blog and make money, id take it any day. Its funny how jealousy can bring such hatred like I see on the blog MWOP. Jennifer is a great writer and now she makes money doing it, but she gets pounded into the ground for doing it as well. Cant we just sit back and enjoy her sweet family?

I'm not an eloquent writer like MckMama or my sweet Rebekah. I put my thoughts out there but they are usually jumbled around like a scrabble game. Its very refreshing to visit blogs that actually make sense, and are easy to read. I support MckMama. She is frail and week just like the rest of us. She is human and fails just like the rest of us. It only because of God living in us that we have even a semblance of goodness in us. Why do we need to gossip and tear down?

Early morning thoughts.

Ive never been one to like sleeping to much. I sleep because I have to but even in my sleep I long to get up and start a new day. No matter what the day, I always wake up at 5:00am. I love the mornings. I tip toe around the house trying not to wake the kids while I brew my coffee and enjoy the silence. Its my favorite part of the day.

Wednesday was officially one year since Tyrus was legally adopted. That day was such a happy day for everyone. We always knew that Ty was part of Ben and Rebekah's family the moment I decided on adoption, but this just put a little cherry on the Sunday (if you know what I mean). So we celebrate one year of our families coming together. The looks of happiness and tears of joy I see on Rebekah and Ben's faces are priceless to me. Every moment I see their faces reminds me of the choice I made and I don't regret it. You cant go back and change the past...I cant make the sadness always disappear, but I can soak in the joy that Ty always brings. I do get sad, but not for long...after all....there is still Skype. (wink)

I miss my girls desperately. If I think about it to much I cant stop from crying. I am really good at suppressing emotions. If I let my mind wonder to what has been lost then my heart sinks so far down into dispare that I have to look up and start talking to God to bring me back. Dispare is such a trap. You have to be so careful not to stay in that emotion to long or it will destroy you. I have to remember the reasons I let the girls go, they are happy, well taken care of, and I have not truly lost them...its just distance. I did have a really fun time making them Valentines packages. I don't have a boyfriend...but I do have four little valentines in my life. I'm so blessed!!!!

I'm moving...again (sigh). With the girls gone I don't need such a large place so I am downsizing. Pictures and bragging rights to come....because...Im finally getting my hard wood floors. I couldn't be more excited!!!

Well, before the little ones wake up, I'm going to go make some coffee!!

Skype and Ty!!

I got to talk to Tyrus on Skype this weekend. It was so precious to see him moving and talking at the same time. Every time I get a picture or a new hand tracing in the mail, I look at the pictures a hundred times, and I trace his sweet little hand with my finger, and I cherish them...but somehow seeing him in real life is priceless to me. I'm loving Skype!!! Thanks Rebekah!

Things seem to be almost normal around here...if you can call my life normal (which I wouldn't). I guess what I mean is we are falling into a routine. I still feel like my head is swimming with all the changes in my life but I'm dealing with it and the fog is lifting.

Most of the time everyone is very supportive around here. The comments I get are uplifting and very encouraging. Thank you everyone!! I don't post all the comments. I get a few really negative ones that I know were just meant to take hits at my person...and I figure that nobody else needs to read them. So to those who are mean to me through their words...thank you for being honest. I do take your words with a grain of salt though. Until you have lived in my shoes, I suggest you do not judge my life choices.

Good or bad, I welcome all the comments. I'm trying to be true to myself, honest with myself, real with myself...and sometimes it can look really ugly when you really look at your own heart. Its filled with nasty ugly things that you would rather hide. I'm so grateful that God is bigger then my sin and all my ugliness. I'm so glad that HE lives inside me and that what people can see is the joy that floods out of me that only comes from God. I'm truly nothing without HIM! The more the years go by that scripture that says "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" comes to a BLARING reality for me. I struggle with guilt for the things I do wrong, and then I remember the scriptures and the promises they offer me and I am held at peace that I am still loved despite my sinful nature.

I'm still growing and maturing. When you are little you think "If only I was a grown up" and then you become a "grown up" and you realize that your really not yet grown on the inside. Life is sure a process of learning and living and falling down and getting up....and growing old and wise. I'm not afraid to get old...as long as I'm wise to go with the old. I don't want to grow old alone though so I sure hope I can find a HOT guy to get old with. LOL Yeah Yeah!!!! I know!!! I'm a fruit cake...but I'm just keeping it real.

Later gator!!!

The dark ages!

Are you all telling me that American Idol was on this week? Are you really saying that I didn't see one advertisement, read one ad about try outs, or see one preview of one of my favorite shows? SERIOUSLY!?!?!

What the heck is going on that I haven't watched TV in weeks and weeks? LOL It cracks me up. I seriously need to watch more TV. OK please tell me this was the first week and I haven't missed to much!!!!

Ive been working, spending time with my boys, and Zumba(ing) my way to skinny, and haven't stopped to sit down much less hear about AI.

Fill me in ladies!!!!!!!!!!!!

The ugly!!

My life looks pretty ugly right now. I'm trying to make the best of it but its pretty difficult. Normally on my blog I'm pretty upbeat, but not tonight. The ugly of it all is that my family is not together anymore. I can hardly blog about it, and as you can see I have avoided this blog for several weeks. Is it OK to just tell it how it is? Ugly!! Sad!! Hopeless feeling!! It better be OK because Ive decided to share.

My girls have moved to another state with their dads side of the family. I let them go. There were no custody battles...or fights...in fact I retain full custody, but the truth is that paperwork and words like "custody" and "parenting time" don't matter in a child's life, what really matters is what the kids need and there shouldn't be fights. I am blessed to still be part of my ex-husbands family. We consider ourselves family even though we don't have marriage paperwork between us...but we do have children between us and so we both take it very seriously. The facts are that my girls needed to be with or near their dad.

How do you go from having four kids....to two? I try to keep myself busy and occupied all the time so I don't feel the pain of missing my girls...but the pain will not go away. I'm missing two pieces of my heart. Its the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. Keeping myself busy only delays the pain.

Having only two children in my home is quite a different dynamic. My only comfort is that I am able to pour so much more into the boys. I felt constant conflict in myself with the four kids because I was always beating myself up at night asking myself "did I talk to them all enough? did I hug them enough? did I meet all their needs?" It was torture always feeling like a failure because I couldn't keep up.

Ugly is most certainly how my oldest daughter feels about me. Tonight I was joking with her about how she was just like me because the way she was talking just reminded me of myself and she got really really upset. She said she was NOT like me because she would never have given her baby up for adoption....HER BROTHER!!! That's the UGLY part of adoption for me. Thank goodness the good outweighs the bad when it come to Tyrus...but the bad sure looks bad. (side note)I got to talk to Tyrus on the phone tonight. Be still my heart!!!! I love him so much, and he is growing up on us all. (insert sad face)

So in the midst of all the chaos in my life I have been purposeful in spending time with my sweet boys and starting new hobbies. Me and my oldest son have taken up guitar. We are teaching ourselves and I have learned my first song which happens to be "Country Roads" by John Denver....because it was easy. My finger tips have blisters on them from the guitar strings but I don't mind. Singing is my forte and music is my passion so the two go together for me very well. It also takes my mind off the ugly in my life.

Again I ask myself, as I did when I was contemplating adoption...."What kind of mom lets two of her kids leave home at twelve and fourteen?" Except with Ty it was "What kind of mom gives her baby up for adoption?" In my mind then, I felt like I would be a horrible mom for relinquishing him...until I did it, and then I understood the full picture. Now, I'm not sure that I see the blessing in my girls being gone fully, but every day I'm starting to understand.

Its so hard for me not to go back to my early years in my head and wonder what I could have done different so that my family was not ripped apart...but the funny thing about the past...you cant go back and change it, you can only move forward and make it worth it.

That's all I have to say.