Thanks but no thanks!!

A funny thing happened yesterday. I talked to my ex-husband. (My first husband) This is the man whom I had three children with, grew up with, and was married to for six years. This is the man I gave my virginity to...and also the man I divorced for a variety of reasons. Regardless of our past, we are good friends. I am so thankful for this because its better for the kids to see us getting along.

Anyway, he is aware that I am going to give this baby up for adoption. When we were married and we had our third child (my precious Matthew) we decided three was enough and he got a vasectomy. So he is not able to have children yet he is living with a very young 24 year old girl. They have been together for a long time but don't want to marry.

The kicker is...he would gladly take my baby. How sweet right? I politely told him no, that I didn't want it to be like that. I also don't think he understand the cost involved with adoption. You don't just give your baby to someone. He is sweet and has grown through the years but he is NOT someone I would want my baby to go to. There are many reasons, to many to post. LOL

Thanks but no thanks. Ill post more GOOD NEWS later!!!!!

Telling the kids!!

So we had an appointment with the counselor on Friday. All five of us went in (four kids and me) and she had us do an activity first. There was a big tub of wooden blocks of different shapes and another tub of doll house furniture and little people. We were to build the house of our dreams together and then make a story of it. Basicly Chelsea and Matt were boored and didnt seem to want to participate as much. Skyler just played with the doll house stuff and then proceded to giggle as he stepped on it. Victoria was really into it and basicly built the whole house. While we were doing it the counselor took notes.

So when that was over she basicly left the floor open for me. She had decided that it was my job to tell them but she was the support system. So when it was my turn to talk I immediatly started bawling. GRRRRRRRRRRR!!! I always cry at the worst times. I generally can keep it together. So I told the kids as I was crying. Matt said he was sad but he really has not shown it at all. Chelsea (the twelve year old) said she was scarred that I was going to say something else and that she is ok. Skyler is of course three and has no idea what is going on. Victoria (the ten year old) cried her eyes out for two days. She is the one of my kids that takes EVERYTHING very seriously. She is hard for me to handle emotionally because emotionally she is just really out there and I dont know how to handle it. I have always been one of those people that are like "get over it." I am not mean to her but she really has a hard time getting over things. For example: last year MY Aunt Mary died. We were all very sad but Victoria was the SADDEST. LOL Now the thing that is funny about this is that she had only met Aunt Mary once. She could not get over the death of AM for about a month. So needless to say, she is having a hard time and everyone else is ok.

I am excited now. I can now emotionally really start preparing for this adoption process. I have told all my family and they are all supportive.

I will get a call from the agency Tuesday. By then they should have got my signed paperwork in the mail. Then I can get some more profiles in the mail. I did not like the ones they initially sent.

Kriss, I love weight watchers. My mom works for them and I believe I have about ten to fifteen of the cook books. I also just found out that I can do the weight watchers program while I am pregnant. How exciting. I might just get started on that next time I get groceries. God knows I dont need to gain any more weight. Oh and I think you (Kriss) are my only reader. LOL Thats cool, I love the support you give me. Its amazing. There is something about being supported by people you dont see every day.

The hips dont lie!!!!!

My hips are killing me. I can tell that my body is changing quickly. My bones are already starting to relax. This is very normal...and I just have to give in to it. I still don't like it all. It makes me feel better that I am growing a precious baby inside me so that I can give it to a family who cant have babies.

I get increasingly sick at night time. Its weird. I do pretty good all day as long as I eat on time, but come evening time, I do NOT feel good and I am worthless. I am pretty sure I can feel the baby here and there. I always question if it really was the baby or something else. I will be glad when I can feel the baby for sure because that how I know that he/she is OK.

Tomorrow we meet with the counselor to officially tell the kids that we are not keeping the baby. They will probably be really mad and sad but that is why I have the counselor with me.

Ill update more later.

15 Weeks and 4 days!!

I just got back from my OB appointment. I am measuring 16 weeks but the doc said that was normal. The baby's heartbeat was 138 bpm. That was so exciting to hear the baby's heartbeat.

So I decided to tell my OB that I was going to give the baby up for adoption just to prepare them for any paperwork or anything they had to do. I have no idea if they do anything but thought it would be appropriate to tell them. Well my OB sits me down and said this to me...."I don't know if you are interested but we do have a women here in the office that is infertile." I was not shocked. Lots of people want babies. I told the OB that I certainly wouldn't rule her out but that I was leery of having someone adopt my baby that was SOOOO local because it might make it harder. I told her I would take her name and her agency's name and request her profile. She said ok and went to get the information...well this girl (her name is Emily) went ahead and printed off some of her stuff from her blog and all that. I left the doctors office and was looking through the info she gave me and was sad to find out that this wonderful girl and her husband are LDS. Now I am not judging her but I really would like the parents of my baby to be the same religion as me and so it just doesn't match up.

As far as the agency I am using (American adoptions) I still have not received the package that they were to have sent me. It was signed by a J. Gonzalez but nobody in the office is named that and so it is lost. I had to have them resend it out. GRRRRRRR!!! I hate waiting. When I set my mind to something I go full force on it and I really wanted to get the ball rolling on this. Oh well, patience is something I need to practice.

More on adoption.

I was trying to find adoption stories where they were about the birth mother relinquishing there baby. I ran across this one lady's story and she happen to now work for americanadoption.com. I emailed her and she wrote me back right away and encouraged me to call the number for more info.
Well I did just that and got a lot of questions answered. My main concern was that If at all possible I wanted the father to be able to sign his rights away before the baby was born so that I was assured that I could go through with this. Well in my state (Colorado) you can not sign your rights away before the baby is born. GRRRRRR!!!! I learned that people looking to adopt are taking a HUGE emotional risk. They are really given no certainty that the baby will be signed over by both birth parents. It amazes me. The lady from the agency said that the potential adoptive parents are aware of the risk. On one hand it makes me feel so good that these wonderful people are putting up so much financially and emotionally, but to them the risk is worth it to get a child that they have been dreaming of. I am so crushed and disappointed that I cant get the birth father out of the picture. Im so afraid he is going to ruin everything.

I also found out that there is some financial compensation for me as far as groceries and gas money. This floored me because I am absolutely not looking to get anything financially. I just want someone to give my baby a good loving home. But again it is amazing and just another sign on how serious these people are about receiving a child.

I did call the sperm doner today just to clarify where his heart was on this whole thing and to let him know my intentions. Last time I talked to him he said he was working with a lawyer to get the paperwork together to sign his rights away before the baby is born. After calling the agency today and finding out that you can not do that in the state of Colorado, I am sad to see that he is still lying to me. Why cant this man be truthful for once in his life? This is so damn important. This is someones life we are talking about and it is not a game. No...its not just the baby's life...its the two people that could be the parents of my baby's life that I am talking about. I am prepared to give my baby up for adoption but I am not prepared for this man to ruin someones hopes and dreams.

Do I go for it and hope that he is telling the truth? Logically I know that it is the best decision for me and my kids to go for adoption. So now what?

The agency is sending me a packet tomorrow with 25 profiles in it. I am excited to get it and get started. I just wish I know how it would end up.

Its Sunday!!

The weekends go by so fast. We are going to church today. Chelsea has nursery duty so I make sure to go to church at least twice a month so she can do that. She likes to do it and I am proud of her because it can be hard sometimes.

Since I have been pregnant I have been having strange and weird dreams. I usually don't remember my dreams at all so its weird to have them. I'm surprised I even remember my dreams because I really feel like I am up every two hours to go pee. I go to the bathroom so often that I have a hard time keeping toilet paper in my house. LOL I guess it means I am not dehydrated. As far as the pregnancy goes, I am still feeling (most of the time but not all the time) pretty blaw. Its not as bad as before so I can tell that I am starting to get out of it...but it is still there and can be discouraging. I do think I feel the baby moving sometimes especially if I am sitting down...I can feel him/her jumping on my bladder. I think that's only because I have had so many babies and I know how it feels.

My (ex) sister-in-law's birthday is coming up so I needed to find her a present. She wanted a pair of g*oucho pants but she is unable to find them at any local store. The people tell us that they are not in style anymore. GRRRR!! So I found them online and bought her a pair. I hope they are here in time.

I bought the movie "The Notebook" from Target last night. I got it on sale for seven dollars and fifty cents. I just love that movie. Such a heart warming movie. When I was watching it (with Chelsea the twelve year old) I told her that I pray she finds her one man that she can fall in love with and grow old with someday. I pray that she doesn't use my mistakes as examples and finds her own path. I have not been a good example for my kids as far as men go. I hope now that I have learned such a hard lesson that I can turn my own life around and really set a Godly example for my kids as far as relationships with men and women go. I want them to have a better life then I have.

I have also been looking for a new place to live. I currently live in an apartment and my laundry facility is not in my home. It has started to be a huge pain in my butt. I am also in a not so good school district. I like the schools but I don't like the kids. I don't know where it will take me but I am hoping for a different place to live and a home with washer and dryer inside. I will be a happy momma.

Then, the last question is...do I get a three bedroom or four. I just don't know what the future holds.

Waiting is so hard.

First post for the new year!!!! 2009

I really think this new year is going to bring new and great things. I have noticed that I have a lot of anxiety and I'm uneasy a lot. I have been thinking a lot about why and have come to some conclusions. One is that I am not very organized. I am not a clutter bug so I don't have a lot of junk but I cant seem to stay up on the house. I know that I have been really sick (still am but not so bad) but I feel like if I am going to get rid of this anxiety then I need to put some order in my life. I have decided to make a schedule of cleaning for myself. I think if I deep clean one room per day and then just tidy the rest of the house then it should get done and stay done. I also have all these wonderful children that should be helping but I find that they don't do so very much. I think a schedule for them is in order also. I update on that later.

My mom approached me the other day and she said she has a friend that has two friends that were adopted and would like to meet with me to tell me how wonderful there adoption experience was. I was a little taken back by her friends approach. I told my mom that I had no doubt that adoption was a wonderful and beautiful thing. I am not afraid of adoption but I am not ready to talk to openly to others about this situation. First of all, I am not sure that I will even have a choice (to adopt or not to adopt out my baby) in the matter. The father of this baby is very unpredictable and even though he said he was going to get the paperwork together to sign his rights away, I cant believe it till I see it. So although it is a possibility, it is not my decision yet and I told my mom that I would have to decline the invitation to talk to these kind people. I know they are only trying to help. Right now though, this is so private to me.

I'm not sure if you get my messages Kriss. I do comment to your blogs but it never posts on your thing as a comment. I want you to know I get your messages. You are so sweet. Your comments mean so much to me. (hugs)

My mom is not doing well. She has MS and she has some back injuries from many different things (falling and the MS). The doctors currently can not find the source of the pain so she suffers with severely debilitating pain. She struggles to stand up for more then three minutes. I think about her every day. There is nothing I can do to ease her pain, so the only thing I can do is clean her house or do whatever it is she cant. Ill be going over there tomorrow to try and make things simpler for her and clean out some closets and put a few things for sale on Craig's list. Please Jesus, help my mom. There is nothing worse then seeing a loved one hurt so much and then not be able to do anything about. It makes you want to ring those doctors necks. GRRRRRR!!