First post for the new year!!!! 2009

I really think this new year is going to bring new and great things. I have noticed that I have a lot of anxiety and I'm uneasy a lot. I have been thinking a lot about why and have come to some conclusions. One is that I am not very organized. I am not a clutter bug so I don't have a lot of junk but I cant seem to stay up on the house. I know that I have been really sick (still am but not so bad) but I feel like if I am going to get rid of this anxiety then I need to put some order in my life. I have decided to make a schedule of cleaning for myself. I think if I deep clean one room per day and then just tidy the rest of the house then it should get done and stay done. I also have all these wonderful children that should be helping but I find that they don't do so very much. I think a schedule for them is in order also. I update on that later.

My mom approached me the other day and she said she has a friend that has two friends that were adopted and would like to meet with me to tell me how wonderful there adoption experience was. I was a little taken back by her friends approach. I told my mom that I had no doubt that adoption was a wonderful and beautiful thing. I am not afraid of adoption but I am not ready to talk to openly to others about this situation. First of all, I am not sure that I will even have a choice (to adopt or not to adopt out my baby) in the matter. The father of this baby is very unpredictable and even though he said he was going to get the paperwork together to sign his rights away, I cant believe it till I see it. So although it is a possibility, it is not my decision yet and I told my mom that I would have to decline the invitation to talk to these kind people. I know they are only trying to help. Right now though, this is so private to me.

I'm not sure if you get my messages Kriss. I do comment to your blogs but it never posts on your thing as a comment. I want you to know I get your messages. You are so sweet. Your comments mean so much to me. (hugs)

My mom is not doing well. She has MS and she has some back injuries from many different things (falling and the MS). The doctors currently can not find the source of the pain so she suffers with severely debilitating pain. She struggles to stand up for more then three minutes. I think about her every day. There is nothing I can do to ease her pain, so the only thing I can do is clean her house or do whatever it is she cant. Ill be going over there tomorrow to try and make things simpler for her and clean out some closets and put a few things for sale on Craig's list. Please Jesus, help my mom. There is nothing worse then seeing a loved one hurt so much and then not be able to do anything about. It makes you want to ring those doctors necks. GRRRRRR!!