Learning and wisdom!

When I was a little girl, from as far back as I can remember, I prayed this prayer to God over and over again:

"God, you know I want to be with you, and if you decide to rapture us now, Ill gladly go...but if there is any way you could possibly wait till I have babies, I would really love that, I just want to be a mom."

I used to have dreams at night that all my friends were having these beautiful babies and when my babies were delivered, they were mere plastic dolls. I felt cheated. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to have kids or that the rapture would come, so the above prayer became routine for me every day.

Now over 25 years later, I think it is clear that my prayers were answered. And boy oh boy were they ever answered. LOL

Yesterday I was driving to get Chelsea from Track, the road that I have to go down is just a canopy of trees that grow over the road, so its like you are driving through a tunnel of bright yellow, orange and gold leaves, its beyond beautiful, and I got to thinking. Lately I've been struggling with the kids. They have been fighting a lot and seem to REALLY NOT care for each other. I am literally speechless when they are screaming at each other. I don't know what to do and I am just dumb founded. Literally that word "dumb founded" is the perfect phrase because I feel quite dumb in the situation. So, I went and sat on the porch and just prayed....prayed for Gods wisdom. I cant think of any way through these hard times without His wisdom. Some people might think I am weird for praying that in such a situation but literally...it works...I've asked for it before and it works.

Now I have yet to get my wisdom from God on this situation but I know its coming.

So through the years I have learned a lot about myself through being a mom and a wife. I have discovered that in every circumstance, even the roughest and toughest ones, I can learn through them...just as I do with my own kids. I try to make every experience a learning experience. While we are driving down the road I will ask Matt "What road do we live on Matt?" Or I will ask Chelsea "What are our cross roads?" I do that to get the kids familiar with their surroundings, to gain a sense of direction. Yesterday we learned all about a dog racing track down the road...and today Matt learned what a thong was....OK OK....now I didn't WANT to teach him that...but well I will explain that down at the bottom of this entry.

I have learned that as I teach my kids things, I learn more about them and that despite the fact that Matt cant quite get the hang of folding laundry...

that Victoria and Chelsea do not work together well, and the kitchen never quite stays clean...

and that Skyler is REALLY good at over flowing the bath tub with bubbles(which are not actually bubbles but a whole bottle of shampoo that he wasted)....

despite all those things and more...I am discovering that my kids are pretty cool, and If I would just relax a little, we might be able to enjoy each other better.

Oh and the thong thing. We had a couple little girls (Chelsea's friends) spend the night last weekend. It was a HORRIBLE experience. The two little girls trashed the girls room, ate food out of my fridge without asking and left a THONG for my son to find. WHAT THE HECK! This little girl was nine years old and she was waring a thong. Dear Jesus help me!!!!

I cant end this without a Tyrus update. If you have not seen this video of him and his momma you have to watch it. I am SOOOO proud of him. He is growing so fast. There is even talk that I will get to go visit him next summer for his first birthday. I CANT WAIT!!!

Crazy Crazieness!

I'm driving down the road, and glance down at the speedometer, and although my speed must have been about forty, the speedometer reads about, oh lets say, ZERO! LOL My speedometer is broke. I have no idea what to do about that except to try and NOT speed. Lets hope I dont get stuck on a road alone, I need cars beside me to keep me on track. UGGGG! UGGGG! I know eventually I will need to get a new vehicle, mine is a 1993 Jeep Cherokee. It is a gas guzzler and I currently have to pay about forty dollars per week for gas. I'm still trying to figure out if it would be more cost efficient to get a new car with a car payment, or just keep paying for gas and run it until it runs into the ground. HOOO HUMMMM!! I'm thankful for a working vehicle, none the less, despite its faults. The defrosters dont work, the motors to the powered chairs are broke so the passenger seat is permanently stuck in a laying back position. Its very funny looking. Anyway, my jeep has been with me through a lot, its driven across the United States many times and as long as she doesn't let me down...Ill keep driving her.

Today while getting the kids ready for school Victoria tells me the toilet is flooding. This is an automatic panic session for me because I hate when the toilet overflows and you only have seconds to turn the water off. In my mind I figure it will be OK...Ill plunge it like I have done many times and everything will be fine. UGGG UGGGG! NOPE!! I go in the bathroom and plunge and plunge...I think I have fixed it so I flush it again...LOW AND BEHOLD...we have Niagara falls in our bathroom. I'm plunging which is just making water go faster out of the toilet...Skyler is standing outside the bathroom yelling "MY HOUSE MY HOUSE, ITS LEAKING?" I'm freaking out standing in a pool of water and finally get the water turned off at the base of the toilet. I look over at Skyler and say to him "DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THIS TOILET?" He said "NO." Of course. So, I have to call maintenance AGAIN to help me on this one. It needs to be snaked.

To add to the drama, I went to pick up Chelsea from her sports practice and took my dog Maggie with me. We came home, went inside, ate dinner, sat down to watch the new "man vs wild," and discovered that Maggie wasn't running around as usual. Then I remembered....we left her in the car. UGGG! Matthew pipes up "Ill go get her." I say to him "now Matt, last time you locked mommy's keys in the car and we couldn't go any ware. Are you going to be more responsible this time?" "Yes mom, you can trust me." Can I just say UGGG UGGG! So, I continue to sit and watch the show and eat my yummy veggie soup that I posted about yesterday, and I soon realize that Matthew has been gone for quite a long time. Just as I am thinking that, a very somber Matthew walks in the door. Right away I get a sick feeling in my stomach...this doesn't look good. I ask him what is wrong although I really didn't want to know...and he tells me...."The key broke off in the door of the jeep." UGGG! UGGGG! I should have known better then to trust my nine year old son with my keys again. (sad face) Frustrated, I ask him what the heck he was thinking. I ask him for the keys and sure enough, the key broke off because he used the house key on the jeep and when it wouldn't open the door for him he forced it. This morning when I went out to the jeep, sure enough, half my house key was sticking out of the door. Ill never learn.
I actually have a picture of the half house key but blogger has messed with my settings and I cant post pictures. But I think you get the idea.

So, this week has been an adventure to say the least. These children have kept me on my toes for sure. Its crazy craziness, and the week isnt over yet, we have a few more days to go!!!

Whats for dinner!?!

Helen's Crock pot Vegetable Soup is whats for dinner. No, I have no idea who Helen is, but I snagged her recipe off the Internet. Its whats for dinner. I LOVE coming home to an already cooked meal in the crock pot.

Here is before it started cooking....



Here is after it had cooked for several hours. Cant wait to dig in!!! Scroll to the bottom to get the recipe!

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This video below has nothing to do with "whats for dinner," but Skyler is so cute that I thought I would share. Please ignore my semi messy room and the dirty clothes in the background. :)



Ingredients:
2 cloves garlic finely chopped
1/2 cup chopped onion
1/2 med. head cabbage, chopped (about 3 cups)
2 cups chopped zucchini, about 2 small
1 cup diced carrots
2 stalks celery chopped (1 cup)
1 28 oz canned tomatoes undrained
1 can black eye peas drained and rinsed well
1 can red kidney beans drained & rinsed well
1 pkg. 10 oz frozen chopped spinach, thawed and squeezed dry
4 cups low sodium chicken broth
4 cups tomato juice or V-8
2 tsp. dry basil, crushed
1 teaspoon salt, or to taste
1 tsp. dried oregano
1/4 tsp. pepper
a few drops hot sauce
grated Parmesan cheese

Preparation:
If desired, saute the onion in a little butter and oil before adding to slow cooker. Add to slow cooker, along with remaining ingredients. Cook 10-12 hours on LOW.
For a 5 to 6-quart cooker, but ingredients can be cut back for a smaller cooker. Serves 12 (Diet Exchanges: 1 Starch/bread, 2 vegetables
Serving: 1 cup 149 calories 3 fat grams 0 cholesterol

Things I wish I knew before I became a parent!

I wish I knew that after you have a baby, and before your creamy white milk comes in, it first turns a yellowish orange color. I seriously thought I was defective.

I wish I knew that sometimes babies don't poop for two to three days...and that's normal and OK. Poor Chelsea was subjected to many suppositories in her first few weeks of life.

It would have been nice to know how having a new baby in the house takes a real toll on your relationship with your significant other. Boy could we have saved ourselves a lot of heartache...if we knew what to expect....

I wish I knew that I would do more laundry and scrub out more stains then I could ever had imagined...

that potty training is one of the most challenging things I would face in my lifetime...I have seriously cleaned up enough poo in the past two weeks to fill a wheelbarrow.

I wish someone had not lied to me (grin) and told me that the two's were terrible...oh how wrong they were. In truth it should have been called the terrible three's.

I wish I would have known that I would become a single parent...although I don't know how you could prepare for that role.

I wish I would have known that in order to give my fifth child a good life, I would have to give him away...and in that giving away process...a peice of my heart would go with him.

I wish I knew:

that I would sleep less...

shower less...

worry more...

cry harder...

laugh louder...

and love so deep that sometimes it would feel as though my heart could explode.

Yes being a parent is hard, challenging, and sometimes overwhelming...but through all the challenges would I ever turn back? No way, no how. I didn't know I could love so deep and that life would be so much richer. And truth be told, its probably better that I didn't know all those things...because then I wouldn't be surprised when something new came up....and I love surprises...well...not the poopy kind!!

Im In Love!!!

Don't get to excited. Its not what you are thinking. Although the maintenance man is hot...its not the male form I'm in love with....
I'm in love with this...

My good ol Bissel bit the dust this morning. The two vacuums had a stand off...

but the Bissell just couldnt hold its ground.

Shes tired of vacuming up hamster food, and cereal, and rocks that are drug in from outside. She did put up a good fight, but in the end...

The Eureka stole my heart.

My mommy heart is happy to once again have clean vacuumed floors. The kids grandma sent me a Target gift card and it couldn't have come at a better time. I love my yellow vacuum.

My second marriage, and domestic violence!

If you have read this post, then you know a bit about me, but because my blog was originally started to help me get through the pain in my life, tonight I need to do just that, plus a little word at the end for those who might think they are "stuck."

Who wants to look back at their life and say that they have been married and divorce twice? Shoot!! Nobody wants that. I'm sure there are people out there that have been married and divorced more then twice, but for me, once was one to many. However, everyone wants to love and be loved. I wanted to (and still do) want to grow old with someone...enjoy grand babies together...and I just don't want to be alone.

So, I got married (again) in 2004. I lived in Colorado and he lived in Washington. We knew we were to get married so we tried to start meshing our lives together as much as possible...and the first step was for me to start attending a church much like the one he was. I grew up in a non-denominational church, and he (being saved later in life) was attending a fundamental independent Baptist church. He talked to his pastor and was given the name of a church (highly recommended) for me to attend here in Colorado until we were to live together in Washington.

I started to attend this small church, loved the people, loved the teaching, didn't so much like the dress code, but I dealt with it and went on. (they are very much a skirt church)

Second thing that needed to be done was the discipline of the children. I don't know why I didn't notice how controlling he was before we were married, because I was so aimed to please I must have side swiped it. He was very specific on how I was to discipline them and for what reasons and for what offenses. I really loved him and wanted our families to work so I just did what he told me.

Soon R (Ill call him R) came out to get me and my kids and we started our new life in Washington. We started attending his church (same denomination) and I was about to embark on the new life of a married Baptist wife.

Things started to really get worrisome for me right off the bat. It was one thing when I was disciplining my children, but he seemed so unreasonable. One morning before church, I went into my room to get something and I saw my little Matt with blood poring out of his nose onto his newly pressed dress shirt. I freaked out and asked R what was going on. He was just gallivanting around getting ready for church as my son was bleeding and crying on a chair in my room. R told me that Matt wasn't listening and so he popped him on the face and Matt turned his head and his nose got hit instead. I was SHOCKED that R had the audacity to hit my child on the face. Other punishments included being in time out...time out rules according to R meant standing in the corner with your nose touching the wall...on your tippy toes for about an hour...or longer if he so chose. He would put a chair right behind them and sit there the whole time watching them. When the time out was done, the child would collapse on the floor in a heap of pain from being on their toes for so long, and R would yell at them "Get up off the floor and stop being a cry baby."

The weirdness didn't stop there. He was really big on the children eating ALL of their food at meal time. I would beg him to let me get the children's plates ready because he would just put to much food on the plate for them and because they had to finish it all I wanted to put smaller portions for them. He refused, so my kids would sit down with these huge portions. Most of the time they would end up throwing up in the bathroom, and he would make them go clean up the sickness and stand there and bawl them out on how they shouldn't make themselves throw up. One time I had to stop him, he was going to make Matt eat his throw up because he was so mad at him for not finishing his dinner.

Like I said before we attended a Baptist church. He was always using the church and God as excuses for the things he did. When we married I had a HUGE collection of all my contemporary christian music that I had collected over the years. I loved my music and used it many times to have private moments with God. R didn't believe that my music was Godly. He said that all music had to be approved by him...and with that...all my movies and music were burned in a bonn fire that evening. I watched my things burn and go up in smoke. WHY? Because they were ungodly? The Bible says in Ephesians 5:19 (King James Version)"Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord." Nobody knows what the hymns were like or sounded like back then. God just wants us to sing to him with songs about him. I was so hurt by what he did.

It goes on and on...I cant even tell you the guilt I have for staying as long as I did with this man. The day I caught him with an erection while playing with my girls was the end of the line for me. (yes CPS was called on him) I know many people will ask why I stayed so long (one very long year)...and why I was willing to accept that behavior. I can only say that I feel I was brain washed or something. He was always telling me that I was to submit to him. "YOU MUST SUBMIT TO ME! YOU WILL DO WHAT I SAY!" For a long time I thought that the Baptist church was to blame for his behavior (they did a lot of teaching on submission), and I felt a bit of pressure to submit to my husband in order to be a good wife...but when I got to know the families I realized that this submission that R was forcing on me is not what the church was teaching about....it was R and his crazy need to control me and my children. Now I must say that the church(s) we attended are very very traditional in the way they do things, say things, and dress...BUT....this post is not to bash them or give them a bad name. I love the Baptist church, but to be honest, I don't think I can ever attend again. To many bad memories, to many memories inter meshed with the church, not because of the church, but because of R and what he did to us using the church as an excuse.

Why am I telling you this and what have I learned from this? I am NOT an advocate of divorce. I hate divorce, its destructive. What divorce does to children is devastating. The ones divorce hurts the most are the children. My children are victims of it all and I am not proud of it. I share my story for others to read. Maybe you are in a relationship that is abusive. My advice to you would be to seek help. Many Church's have free counseling. I know that your spouse might not go...BUT YOU GO ALONE!! Don't wait for your spouse to go...get help...seek Godly counsel...but don't live it alone. I wish I had the courage to get help sooner. I can only offer help to others that might be to scared to seek it on their own. Email me(my address is in my blog profile, and public to everyone)I will help point you in the right direction.

Remember God loves you, he knows what you are going through, he only wants you to seek him. Also remember that God works through other people so don't be afraid to reach out. You are loved, needed, cherished.

New blog design!!

Introducing my new blog design. I had to give a shout out to Mandy. She did this for me. I truly love it. Its fun and colorful. I love her heart, and that she donates much of her money to wonderful causes. Check her out here!!

Getting real!

Its no secret that I am an over weight women. My pictures prove it, and as much as I try and hide it...well it shows. I have not always been over weight. I remember the days when I weighed 135 pounds and looked like this.

Those days are long gone.

A little history on me:
At eighteen I fell in love. At nineteen I got pregnant, and at twenty years old I got married and had my first baby. All my dreams had come true. I always wanted to be a mom, and a wife, but my dreams were shattered when after two more babies and a failed marriage of six years, I found myself, divorced, lost, and alone with no direction.

Finding myself in the roll of a single mom, I pressed on, joined college, got a good job and tried to hold everything together. I soon learned what I was and was not capable of. School did not go well. I was failing classes and just couldn't keep up with my three little ones, school, and a job. To compensate I quit going to school.

In the meantime, my parents, after being married for 30 years were getting a divorce. I was devastated. I think I went through a bit of a rebellion and dated a few men, who turned out to be nothing but disappointments, and fell deeper and deeper into dispare. I struggled a bit with drinking, depression, and over eating. What was going on with my life? Why couldn't I make anything work? These questions kept going through my head over and over. I was searching for answers, looking for love (as cliche as it may sound) in all the wrong places.

To try and fill my loneliness, I joined an online dating site that was supposed to be Christian. I met a man who I will call R. He was in the military (I love a man in uniform), seemed to love the Lord with all his heart, and certainly took a great interest in me and my children, which is what I was looking for. We dated from a distance(he was stationed in Washington state) for about a year. He came to visit me in Colorado twice, and from there I fell in love and we promised to get married.

We did everything right (so I thought). We kept our relationship pure till our wedding night, we read the Bible and prayed together daily, and I even talked to his pastor and many other people who vouched for him...everything seemed perfect. Plans were set, and he drove out to get me and my kids. I said good bye to my family and I blindly moved to Washington.

He was a very "Fundamental Baptist" sort of man. He was very strict in his ways, but very loose with his tongue.(boy could he cuss) What I thought I knew of him while we dated, turned out to be the opposite of who he really was. His discipline of my children was abusive, and about a year and a half after we were married I discovered that he had a fondness for young children...and had no interest in me. I was so devastate. I was three months pregnant with Skyler, and again facing single motherhood...but now with four children. Again I questioned God. I couldn't understand why things just never work out for me.

I took my children and my growing baby inside and attempted to start over...again. Boy was I getting tired of this starting over thing.

Starting over is never fun. Being in abusive relationships means that when I leave, I pretty much have to flee. We left with only what we could fit in our jeep, which wasn't much.

I went on to have my baby, who is now sweet Skyler. Two to three years passed and I didn't date anyone. I focused on my kids and was actually quite content being single. When Ron(Tyrus's birth father) came into my life it took me by surprise. I know I wasn't ready to be dating anyone, but I just went with the flow, as I do with everything else in my life. This time I compromised...and in an effort to please him, agreed to have a baby before we were married. When things took a turn for the worse and I discovered that Ron was not being faithful to me (if that is even the word for it when you are not married) I ended it and again was facing single parenthood, but this time with five children. I was done.....and couldn't handle things anymore.

You all know ware the story goes from here. I am not writing this as a sob story. I have long ago come to grips with the way my life has turned out...the reason I am writing it is to establish that because of the years and years of heartache and bad decisions, I have let myself go. I no longer look like (what I think is) the beautiful girl in the pictures above. I am 143 pounds over weight...this is dangerous and very scary. I suffer from a lot of problems that come with obesity, and although I have kept my high energy, my body is not handling the extra weight very well.

I have decided I have had enough. I want to get healthy again, and I would do anything to be even close to the weight I was before I had my first baby. Life would be so much richer if I could run with my kids, and roll in the grass...and just keep up with them in general. I feel as though I am an embarrassment to the kids. I want them to be proud of me, and I want to set a good example of health to them so that they can have long healthy lives.

In short(although there is nothing short about this post)its time for a change, its time to stop living in the past and saying things like "I haven't always looked like this." Its time to stop letting situations and circumstances rule my life. I'm ready to start taking care of myself and start living for me, not for the people around me, its time to get real.

Money from a birth mothers perspective!

Ive wanted to post about this for a while. I am trying to blog about every aspect of the adoption from my point of view as I can in hopes it will help others through their journey.

Money...when you put the word money and adoption together...most people just cringe. I know I do now.

I never thought about money when I first decided on adoption. From a personal standpoint...I was OK. I had a good job, made plenty of money to support my children, and had medical insurance to cover all my medical expenses. Beyond that, money didn't cross my mind. I thought Id pick the parents, have the baby, hand him over, and wala, everything will be fine. Boy was I wrong.

Things took a drastic turn for me during my pregnancy with Ty. I made my money by babysitting out of my home. When I got pregnant "out of wedlock," the family I worked for fired me because I was immoral, and I was left with nothing. The birth father owed me money, and refused to pay me so I knew he was going to be no help, and with me so pregnant I didn't see any chance at getting a job.

Before I got fired, and I was comfortable financially, the agency would regularly ask me if I was OK financially and I would tell them that I was fine but if anything came up I would let them know. I was told by my case worker early on that she could get me anything I needed, including 300 dollars worth of maternity clothes, money for food, and if needed, I could request that ALL my rent be paid each month up until a month after the baby was born. I was appalled. (remember I'm just being honest about what I felt) I didn't know EXACTLY how much this adoption was costing B and R but I knew it was up near 20,000 and so in my mind, for me to ask for anything from them was just not going to happen. In fact, I posted this blog here, and talked about how I would "never" ask R and B for extra money. So when I lost my job and wasn't sure what area to turn to I felt forced to talk to Rebekah about this. She was so sweet and told me that if I need anything then they would be happy to help me out. There was no way I was going to ask for ALL of my rent...that's near eight hundred dollars a month and really I didn't need all of my rent paid (child support covered a bit of it) I just need a small bit of money to get me through the rest of the pregnancy. Everything had to go through the agency so I told my case worker how much I thought I needed and they again told me that it would be OK if I wanted ALL my rent paid. They said that some girls (birth moms) don't need the money for the rent but they take it anyway and put it into savings for after baby was born. My thoughts were "I would really like R and B to be able to have some money left over to RAISE my son, thank you very much." SHEESH!!! Its bad enough that they are being robbed(IMO)of precious money just to get a baby, what happens to people after baby comes home and they are just leaked dry financially. Its maddening.

I don't really know where I am going with this. I just remember the money thing being a HUGE stress for me. I remember the agency presenting these options to me as if they were free to me...and maybe they were free to me but they were not free to R and B and that really stressed me out. I understand that I was giving my baby away and that it was OK for me to accept things in order for the pregnancy to go smoothly and I in no way want to discourage other birth moms from taking what they need from their adoptive parents...I am just saying that in my situation, I really felt a weirdness about the whole thing. Maybe it was because I was so close to Rebekah and Ben, maybe it was because I wasn't prepared for all that was involved...I'm not sure.

At one point I had to sign a paper stating that if I did accept any help financially that if I changed my mind in the end, then I would be responsible to pay back all moneys given to me. That scared me...not because I was going to change my mind, but because I had NO idea how the end would turn out with the birth father. It was so scary to me NOT to really know how it was all going to go. I didn't have any other options as far as taking the money each month, but I knew that if anything bad happened and I had to come home with a baby because the birth father was a jerk, I could never pay that money back. I hated the thought of hurting anybody. Can I just tell you I was STRESSED out? LOL

Thank God everything turned out good. I still hate that I said here that I would never take any money and then later had to EAT my words. (sigh) But I think, because of the way it turned out, everything is OK.

The reason I blogged about this was to give my perspective on this area of adoption. I should have been open to the help when needed and let my guilt fade away. I should have not spoken to soon about never taking help and just let things go as they needed to. Sometimes I have a hard time asking for help and I let it show. So there you have it.
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On a side note. Can I just say that I am OVERWHELMED? This single mom thing is really really hard. I'm in tears tonight thinking about how on earth I am going to make all of this work, and Im not talking about money. I need some cyber hugs tonight for sure. I also want to say I am sorry for not leaving comments on all your blogs. I do read them and you are all so important to me and have been there for me through so much. Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did I just say that?

Another fellow blogger had this great idea. Being a mother is nothing short of hilarious sometimes. Here are some of the things Ive caught myself saying:

Well, if you wouldn't pick the dog up by the tail she wouldn't bite you.

Please stop playing in the trash can.

Yes that is your penis, please put your under ware back on.

No you can not ride down the bike trail. Because its 35 miles long and someone might take you. Yes I know you are big and strong but I would miss you if someone did take you despite your superhero powers.

It doesn't work because there are no batteries in it. We have to buy some at the store. Yes I know...it doesn't work...yes we need batteries...from the store...Yes son...we've been over this...I know it doesn't work and we need batteries. (sigh)

You want some chocolate milk? OK Ill get you some...oh...you don't want it now...well you don't have to have the chocolate milk but I thought you asked for it. Well if you don't want chocolate milk what do you want? Chocolate milk? (sigh) OK, Ill get it.

Why is there poo in the toilet with no toilet paper? Who did it? (no answer) OK everyone go get your showers.

Yes I know the car doesn't work because we need batteries. (uggg) Its not going to start working just because you are shaking it. Stop shaking the car, your going to break it.

The dog doesn't like it when you pull her up by her ear. I'm not going to feel sorry for you when she bites you again. I told you not to do that. Yes that is a dog bite. She bit you because you tried to pull her ear off.

Stop picking your nose...and DON'T EAT YOUR BOOGERS!! Get a tissue for Gods sake!!

No we are not going to eat cereal for dinner. Yes I know we did last night but we are not going to tonight.

The dog bit you again....you deserve it.

Did you just pee on the floor? Why did you pee on the floor. How many times do I have to tell you to pee on the toilet? Its yucky to have pee on the floor.

No you may not use a hammer to fix your bike.

Its normal to start getting hair there. No it doesn't mean your weird, and yes every body else has hair there to.

You shaved your face? Is that why your lip is bleeding? Do NOT shave your face. What the heck did you think you were doing?

Stop it!!

Quit making that noise. That is a horrible noise. Ive never heard such a horrible noise. What animal are you trying to imitate? Well quit.

Yes those are mommy's boobs. NO you may not poke at them.

Yes....I know we need batteries!!!

STOP!!!

You swallowed a button? What in the heck made you do something like that? No you are not going to die. Settle down, your not going to die. Here let me help you. Ive got some button melting medicine (ahem which is actually a chewable Tylenol but a three year old doesn't know that). You feel the button melting....well good. All better now. Now no more putting buttons in your mouth.

And I leave you with a picture of me and Skyler when he was just a newborn....AHEM before he could talk. LOL

Play on from Rebekah's blog....

I was so excited to see that Rebekah had a new blog post today. I LOVE her updates and although we do communicate beyond the blog world...we do use our blogs to keep in touch with each other and I love it.

Tonight I put the kids to bed in preparation for a six hour cleaning job I have tomorrow...I sat down at the computer and started doing my nightly checks on all my favorite blogs...and of course Rebekah was one of them, and I read these words...."When I look at Ty, I do not see someone else's son. I see my son."

Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized something...something really extraordinary to me...When I look at Ty, I don't see my son, I see Rebekah and Ben's son. I realize that those words might be really hard for people to understand, particularly other birth mothers. They might be thinking "How can she say that? He is her son." But you see when I gave Ty to R and B, I not only gave them a baby, but I gave them MY place as his mother. There was more then one gift involved.

I do love Ty, and for me to be so open about my feelings on this is really hard because for me to say that I don't feel like his mother almost makes me feel like I am betraying him in some weird sort of way, but in my mind I know I am not and that he has no idea I'm feeling this way at all. Its just how it feels in my heart. It doesn't mean that I don't long to be near him and it doesn't mean that I am walking away. It doesn't mean that he holds less importance to me and it doesn't mean that I didn't want him...it just means that because of the choices I made for him, his place in my life is different. He will never call me mom because I am not his mom, he has a wonderful mother...but I do play a very special roll in his life and he has a special place in my heart.

Things couldn't be better for baby Ty and his family. It has turned out exactly how I pictured it would. I used to day dream that Rebekah would call me and I would talk to her about my kids and she would tell me about her son. You know what? That's exactly what we do. Its amazing to be part of Ty's life in this way. Its like two friends talking...but yet...because of who I am (his birth mom) it is WAY more special to me and I feel so blessed to be able to be so involved.

With all of that said...sometimes I do still get sad. Even though I don't feel like his mother I do feel a bond to him, and even though I was only with him for a short time...I do miss him and I am glad I miss him...its good and healthy and I never want to forget all that I have been through.

I'm not sure that anything I have written here tonight makes sense. I have never been good at putting my thoughts into words. The words never seem to come out exactly the way I want them to...but I try.

Ive never stolen anything in my life...but I'm about to do so tonight....its a picture. Rebekah posted this on her blog and It is so amazingly cute that I just had to steal it...I don't think she will mind. LOL I also had to (again) compare how close Ty and my Victoria (now eleven years old) look alike. I am beside myself on how much alike they look. Now Ty is almost three months and Victoria was a year in this picture so they are not the same age but still....sheesh!!
Baby Victoria!!

Baby Tyrus!!

Just another day in paradise??

My day begins HOPEFULLY before the children wake up. Most mornings I am graced with little Skyler screaming for his chocolate NULK (Skyler talk for milk). But most days the cell phone alarm goes off at six o'clock and I scramble out of bed, eyes half opened, and TRY to get a pot of coffee started. Usually I am thinking about how Ill never drink this whole pot by myself and soon I need to invest in one of those one to two cup coffee pots since its just me.

I put the coffee on and run to my room and switch the computer on to see if I have any interesting emails, usually I don't, but its worth a try. I check facebook, listen to the coffee brewing still hoping that the kids stay in bed a few minutes longer so I can maybe have one cup of coffee before the day starts. Then I remember that if Skyler sleeps to long into the morning (even six o'clock is to late) he will pee in his diaper and it WILL leak onto his bed. I decide that I am going to risk it and enjoy my one cup of coffee that now has finished brewing.

Six thirty rolls around and now comes the task of waking up the two middle children who's bus comes at seven twenty. Normally I would release them to walk to the bus stop (which is a short walk across the field and totally visible from my back porch) early, however, they have proven to me that in a few short minutes, they are capable of getting into quite a bit of trouble. So the new rule is they stay home as long as possible and wait it out till the bus comes. This also includes Chelsea (the eighth grader who takes a different bus at a later time but likes to go to the bus with her brother and sister so she can hang out with the "boys") who recently got into a verbal altercation with a lady who is twice her age because Chelsea thinks she is an adult and so she told an adult off. So, needless to say, the children do not go to the bus early.

Ahem...I left off at six thirty. The children are woken up (after about fifteen minutes of re waking them up). Luckily we get showers the night before and so all the kids have to do is get dressed, brush their teeth, get the back packs ready and shoes on. This sounds easy but it is not. I seriously have to post a "before school check list" for the kids because it truly drives me crazy to have to question the children each morning...

"Did you brush your teeth?"
"MOOOOMMMMM! You tell me to do that every morning."
"Well sweetheart, If you did it without me telling you then I wouldn't have to tell you then now would I?"
"OK mom!"

Two kids down...two to go. Time to clean up the bed full of pee and the baby full of pee but of course he isn't really a baby now is he? But he does still ware a diaper to bed, I just wish they would last the night. I think "I really need to cut off his drinking at seven o'clock....but then again I could wake him up earlier and make him pee." UGGG!! To much to think about so I just clean up the pee. Chelsea is on the computer again. I hate that. Any chance she gets she gets on the computer so I have had to make some rules. The new rules are that she isn't allowed on the computer until she is COMPLETELY ready for school or bed...whatever time of the day it happens to be.

I regress again....so she is on the computer and I worry...and I think "what is she doing on there? Is she talking to boys again? What are they talking about? I want her off the computer...it doesn't seem safe...but I don't want to be an overbearing mom." See the battles I have in my head. They are constant, and on going, never ending and they are soon to drive me to the loony bin.

Eight o'clock rolls around and I get Chelsea off to school. Some how in the middle of all the crazy "getting the kids ready for school" business, I have to get myself and my last child (little Sky) out the door so that I can get to work. But I have not made time to eat breakfast. I am a maid, so for me to leave the house without breakfast is not smart. I NEED food to get me through the three to four hours of hard core cleaning or I wont make it. So, usually I eat the lunch I packed for breakfast, while driving, leaving me with no lunch but of course I will worry about that later.

Grab my stuff, grab my son, hope he doesn't have to pee in the fifteen minute drive to day care (he has no diaper on just big boy undies) try to remember if I am forgetting anything and walk to the jeep.

Arrive at day care, go in and hope that Sky does OK for the day. I'm wondering if he has extra clothes because no matter how good Sky pees at home, at day care he has one or two accidents and I just cant figure out why. I kiss my little guy good bye and I'm off to work.

Rebekah is my name and cleaning is my game. I do enjoy my job but it is very very hard work. By the time I am done (because of my weight) I am beat. My feet hurt and my legs hurt and I walk about ten times slower then I did when I started. Its quite a work out. When cleaning time is over I head straight home....wait for the kids to get home from the bus (which is usually about five minutes after I get home)...and basically start the morning routine over again but in reverse, just throw in a meal...a lot of clean up and a few dirty kids and its sort of the same.

I'm exhausted when eight o'clock rolls around. I truly have nothing left in me and tend to be a bit crabby (which I'm trying to watch). I try to remember that I am the one that sets the mood of the house and If I am irritated and punchy, then the children will be as well...and that's not a good thing. It leads to all kinds of problems. LOL

Needless to say, our days are very busy, disorganized, and I worry a lot about the choices I make. I'm not talking about the big decisions you have to make for your kids, I'm talking about the teeny weeny little decisions you have to make on an HOURLY basis that make a HUGE impact in your children's future. Those are the ones I worry about. I find my mind wondering all the time to things like "Am I doing this parenting thing right? Am I screwing up my kids? How Can I make Victoria loose weight so she doesn't get teased? Why is Matt so angry? Why is Chelsea so boy crazy? Is that cut on Skyler's foot infected? I need to take Matt to the doctor for his asthma. What? Chelsea has a dance? Is she kissing boys at school? I never went to dances. Will she be touching boys at this dance...will they be touching her? Am I doing this right...am I screwing up my kids?....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! It drives me crazy.

Paradise? I don't think so...but...and there is always a but...anyone who is a mother would back me up...I wouldn't have it any other way, well thats not entirely true...I would change the fact that I am a single mom. God did NOT design parenting to be for one person...its just not normal. So If I could change anything it would be to add a wonderful, loving, honest, hard working, lover of God, and lover of ME (its all about me ya know LOL), MAN to my house. Thats it!!