Five months ago I decided to give my baby up for adoption. It was a really scary decision. Not only was it scary but so unusual. I have four kids, and not one time with those kids did I think of abortion or adoption. It just was never an option. I know the Bible talks about how children are a blessing (I completely agree), and then it goes on to say something about having your "quiver full." I'm not all together sure what that means but I'm pretty sure that the four I have filled my "quiver." Well, that sounded funny. But seriously (OK now I cant be serious).......where does that leave baby heart in my belly?
Its such a lot to think about. I have a lot of guilt because I did bring a baby into the world that I was not prepared to care for. Does that mean that he didn't hold as much value to me as the other children did. Certainly some of the other kids were born into hard circumstances as well, but then I didn't give a thought to adoption. I certainly don't know what to think about this. Its hard to swallow. I guess then I have to go back to the Bible when it talks about quivers being full, and then just really boil it down to me completely having my hands full and it NOT being the fact that baby heart didn't hold as much value to me but that I valued him SO much as to NOT keep him in my care.
I know baby boy isn't born yet, but I feel as though I have already started to prepare a good life for him. He wont be born into sadness or poverty or anger. He will be born to what I hope will be a great party and a BUNCH of people that love him. Of course I claim holding him the most in the hospital but Ill give everyone else a turn. LOL Just kidding. I want everyone to hold him and take in his sweetness before they have to say goodbye. It will be the most precious moment in my life when I hold him for the first time, and the last time (for awhile anyway, not forever). He will then go with the best parents I could have ever picked for him, and live his life and grow big and strong. I cant wait to see it.
So, now we wait. All the contracts are signed and moneys discussed and sent. Baby boy is growing strong and probably has no idea that we are waiting for him. He is happy and content in his silent watery world. Grow baby grow. We cant wait to meet you.