Monday, April 6, 2009

Whats on my mind?

Truly parenting is not an easy job. Sometimes I wonder when and how I lost control of my kids. Then on other days, or I should say, during other moments I cant believe how great my kids are turning out. But, honestly the loosing control moments are far more then the grateful moments.

Lately I feel like I am just on the kids ALL the time. I wish there were more fun happy and non frustrating times. I feel so overwhelmed most of the time. If one kid is doing really well, the other kid is just arguing and telling me no, and saying that there life is ruined. Sometimes I could just scream.

But then there are nights like tonight when I realize that I have no right to complain or be sad about my situation. My children have there health. I read every day these amazing women's blogs that have sick babies and my heart just goes out to them.

I realize that my small battles are nothing compared to other peoples wars. I will get through these hard years, and then I will be able to sit back and breath, and pray that the Lord blesses me with lots of grandchildren that I can spoil and then send home.

When I was a little girl my biggest dreams were to be a mom. I didn't dream of becoming a doctor or an astronaut, I just wanted to be a mom. So, I used to pray to God and I would say "Father God, please, if you could just hold off on the rapture until I can be a mom? I don't want much God, I just want to be a mom." I would have dreams on many many nights that I would be pregnant and give birth to a baby, but it wasn't a baby, it was a doll.....a plastic doll. I feared that I would never have children.

Look at me now. I certainly didn't go the way I planed it to but what ever does? I have six wonderful children. Four are here alive and well with me, one is in my belly and the other is waiting for me in heaven. Even though I am not keeping my sixth baby, it does not change that I am so blessed to be his mom, one of them anyway. :)

I am not always the best mom. I always feel I can do better. But for now, I will live for today and look forward to tomorrow. The best moments are watching my kids sleep. They are so peaceful and sweet looking (you moms know what I am talking about), the house is quiet and I can quietly reflect on the day and prepare for the next.


mak'n Changes said...

I never realized you and I had the same dream growing up. We must have related fathers or something *wink*
Tomorrow is your ultra sound. Yay! What an amazing lady you are becky, I admire you in a lot of ways girlie. When I have kids I'm gonna be hitting u up for advice all the time.

Love u beck

Lerin said...

One thing I have learned from visiting blogs is to appreciate what I have too! :)

Kelly said...

Did you watch Oprah yesterday???? It was all about Mom's and our struggles.

I could SO relate. We all just do the best we can.

You have pre-teen girls in your house. You could be Mother Theresa and they'd still be going through the drama with you...

Everything's a phase, this too shall pass, and I'm sure you're doing great.