Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Lots of thinking!!

I went to the doctors again today. I was excited because I got to get an ultrasound on the REAL ultrasound machine and was excited to get some good pictures for Rebekah and Ben and to see the baby. Everything seemed to be going well until she kept checking and rechecking the amniotic was to low. I started getting freaked out. What did I do wrong? Am I not taking care of myself well enough?

They checked my cervix and I am not dilated and my waters have not broke. Baby looks good and everything checks out except that. I went on the Internet and it said that amniotic fluid is primarily made of the baby's urine and the more I drink the more the baby will pee, thus making more fluid. So, you can only guess what I have been doing tonight. Drink Drink Drink. When I look back at the morning I probably was dehydrated. I go to the bathroom several times a night and did not drink anything last night. When I woke up I had one cup of water and a cup of milk until my appointment at eleven. I probably caused this but of course not on purpose. I do need to take better care of myself and baby.

I just feel like I am running all the time. I am not even working and still, life keeps me so busy. Having four active kids keeps me running around town and If I am not running around time I am using my spare time to take care of a three year old and clean the house. (sigh) Its a LOT of work. But......although all those things matter to me, what matters most right now is taking care of this precious baby inside of me.

Speaking of baby. I feel that my relationship with him has changed. I'm sure your asking what kind of a relationship I could possibly have with someone I have never met. Well, in all honesty, I have been through many different feelings during this pregnancy. First I went through denial. I mean come one, I cant POSSIBLY be pregnant. But of course I was. The denial stage lasted for several months actually. When I finally accepted the fact that I was pregnant I was angry. I didn't WANT the baby. I was angry at everything and at the baby's sperm Donner and at myself. I HATED the situation I got myself in. I was just plain mad. I must admit that sometimes that stage still comes back to get me. I still feel angry.

Now, although I still have feelings of shame and embarrassment and most certainly I have times of just NOT wanting to be I can say that I am learning to accept it. I know I only have about six weeks left but it has taken me this long to realize that its all very real. I actually kinda like the little guy in my belly now. Although nothing has changed in my heart as far as keeping him, I think now I might be able to enjoy him. The feelings I have gone through are so hard to explain. There really are no words most times.

I enjoy getting to know Rebekah more. I day dream all the time about the moment I will hand the baby over to her. It truly will be the most intimate time in my life. For me to give someone one of my children is so intimate, so personal, yet so necessary. I'm ready, I know she is ready as well as Ben. We are just all so ready.


mak'n Changes said...

Im speachless! Im just in awe of you! You're amazing!

Anonymous said...


- R

Anonymous said...

can you change your background? its so hard to read your words...i'm a new reader and i admire your strength!

Anonymous said...

I just think you are amazing. There is no way I could give up one of my children. I am in total awe of the gift you are giving. You are such a strong person to be able to do this.

Laurie said...

I hope you don't mind but I just have to address the commenters that keep using the term "give up your child." People who put babies in dumpsters give them up. You "give away" a couch when you don't want it anymore. Children are not possessions that one can "keep" or "give up". They are gifts. What you are doing is making a lifelong plan for your son's well being. That plan just happens to include another mother and a father. I know you will always be a part of his life. And I know how much you and your children mean to the adoptive family. What you are doing is sacrificing your own heart's desire and mother's instinct to love and nurture him for life, by ensuring all of his needs are met through adoption. Rebekah- we all know the choices you have. I have such respect for the fact that you have chosen life. You are not a better person because you are choosing adoption vs. parenting, but I do believe that in that moment you will be exhibiting to the world that you are an excellent mother.