Tuesday, March 3, 2009

I know it will be hard......

I wish I didn't have such a hard time writing how I feel. You read books of all these wonderful writers that can put there feelings down on paper so eloquently. My gifts come in different forms. If I ever had to write a book then I would have to hire someone to write it for me.

I think about the end of this journey. I know it will be hard, but as weird as it may sound, it wont be hard in the way you all would think. Of course I am going to love my baby, and of course I am going to kiss him and hug him and ohhhh and ahhhh over his tiny features, but then handing him over to R and B will be the fun part. The hard part will be looking back. Looking back at the night that changed my life forever. Looking back at the decisions I have made that have taken such a toll on my body and mind. Realizing that my journey is almost over (at least this leg of it) and crying over time lost. I don't know that it is lost. One of my family members keeps asking me "the important thing is, did you learn anything?" LOL Well, that will be the hard part, I absolutely learned from it.

For me, the joy in this whole situation is helping B and R build a family. I really believe that they are my gift. They are the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that there are ladies out there that will read this post and maybe have some negative things to say. I think though that it would be better if you just watched it happen. You have said what you need to say to me (you know who you are) and I think that is enough. In all honesty I think your approach to me was absolutely absurd. It was like going to an abortion clinic and yelling at the precious girls that are walking in "YOUR A MURDERER" "YOUR KILLING YOUR BABY." I hate it when people do that. Its a complete turn off. Jesus would have never done things that way. He used patience and kindness and love to get his point across and it worked. (OK now people are going to bash me on Christianity LOL) I support those ladies in trying to educate people, but I really think there is a better way to do it.

Everyone has there own journey, and there own story to tell. I am glad that we are all different and unique. What a boring world it would be if we were the same and if our stories were all the same.

9 comments:

L L said...

Yes, we all have a journey and I believe that God brings people to complete that journey together. You have a tremendous amount of peace and strength and love...May God continue to bless you.

mak'n Changes said...

I look forward to reading your posts! You always have something interesting to say that makes me think. You have an amazing amount of wisdom far beyond your years! You are the strongest person I know and you amaze me! I am very proud of you for taking Jesus with you thru this time. I love you.

cindie

Becky said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Rebekah:

Of course you love your baby, and of course it's going to be a hard thing to let go!! Life is like a little thread. Everything is always weaved together, usually in the small details. It's amazing what insignificant, or seeming so, events can dramatically change life forever. Your life and that of your baby is ordained and planned. None of this surprises God. I am surprised however to hear that you've received negative response to your selfless decision. That IS absurd. I see your map of visitors and I would guess that the majority see you like I do- as a wonderful woman doing her very best. God Bless You, honey.

Michelle

rasberrykari said...

Oh Rebekah only you know in your heart was feels right. In my own experiences I know when it is God by that peaceful, everthings going to be ok kind of feeling. Im sure you know what Im talking about. The people who have made negative comments are in a different place then you. The best we can do for them is pray. Imagine yourself in there place and this will give you compassion. Even though I do not personally know you, just from reading your stories I believe that God definitely has his hand in your situation. I believe you will have many many rewards (here on earth and in heaven) through this situation. Dont judge yourself so harshly Rebekah for your lack of judgement. God sees your heart and wants us to forgive ourselves more then anything because he doesnt want us living with that kind of pain. I believe he is very proud of you right now for your tremendous courage and desire to do what is right.

Desha said...

I found your blog through a comment you left, and I just wanted to say what a beautiful thing you are doing. My parents struggled with infertility for eight years before adopting a newborn baby. Two years later, they had me. I have 5 sibling, 3 that are adopted. I have seen firsthand the beauty of adoption. There is NO greater gift.

I am sad that people would project their pain onto you, and I am proud that you are strong enough to stand up to them in such a gentle way. You will be in my prayers as you walk this journey. God bless!

mak'n Changes said...

wow becky! look at all your comments! People see the beauty in what you are doing, I think mostly though in the person that you are. Your beauty shines thru your writings. I love you girl

Anonymous said...

It's not just you that will lose a son, those children will lose a brother. There are many people that get hurt by this action.

I don't understand why you don't want him? And I also don't understand why your family doesn't offer to help you out? And I don't understand why the father is not able to help out at least financially so you can have child care.

Have you explored all the options?

Can you guys not pull together as a family?

I really don't understand why you would want to give your child away and how you could think that you will do this and feel good?

I really hope you will be ok. It's kind of like watching someone drive towards a cliff really fast and you can't make them stop and look.


I bet the people who want to adopt the baby are acting like they are your best friends and are being super nice to you. Please hon be careful.

Laurie said...

Rebekah,
I have been following along in your precious Rebekah and Ben's blog and tonight came across yours and gasped! It's as if I know you! I think it is SO brave of you to have this blog. Amazing, really. For you to be on this side of adoption and to put yourself out there to receive these anonymous comments is just courageous.

The comment at the end of this line just made my stomach sick. How can anyone ask you why you don't want your child. Of course you do. And as you said in the one post, the choice to parent is a lifelong choice, financially, spiritually, physically...you name it.

And you are NOT giving your child away, people who put babies in dumpsters do that. You are choosing LIFE for him. Nor are your children losing a brother. He will not "disappear" as one commenter said. How horrible it must have been to read those words filled with so much disgust at the choice of adoption.

And I am sure most of those anti-adoption commenters are pro-choice when it comes to abortion, wouldn't you agree?

Oh sweet Rebekah, I am so blessed to have found you and I hope to follow along with you. What a blessing you will be to so many people as your story unfolds!