Thursday, March 12, 2009

Six Months

Well today marks six months for me. Yes, it represents that I am not only six months pregnant but it is significant in other ways to. As anyone knows when reading my blog, I have a very hard time forgiving myself for the choices I have made (ironically) six months ago. But, I do believe that for me, time does heal. It has been six months since I have seen Ron. To me that's a lot. That's half a year. I never want to go back. Every day I have to think about him because he is partly why I am pregnant and he is partly why I am not keeping my baby. He wants nothing to do with us. He wants to cut all ties. I cant even imagine how someone can do this. He knows that I am carrying his baby. I cant even cut all ties with my baby. Yes, I am giving him up to adoption, but I am certainly not cutting all ties. I couldn't. Little baby heart is part of me and I will always want to know that he is OK. I am thankful that R and B are allowing me to do that.

So today is very significant for me. I certainly don't feel whole. I still very much feel dirty, especially when I am faced with people that I can tell are disappointed in me. I cant wait to feel clean again in my spirit, and I cant wait to feel new. I know, people are going to tell me that I am already forgiven, and I know that. I know God has forgiven me, but I cant forgive myself. So, time is healing. I feel like I am coming out of it. I thank God for my mom and my dad and my sister in law and her husband who have been with me through everything, yet still manage never to judge me but to offer there unending love and support. What would I do without them?

I have had a few comments that I wanted to address on here. I appreciate again all the comments, but again feel the need to clarify my decisions.

Someone asked why the father was not around to help pay child support and to just help financially and they also asked why my family couldn't pitch in to help. Those are very fair and good questions.

My family (within the past five years) is broken. My parents were married for 30 years and are now divorced. My mom is disabled so my father is ordered to pay my mom $1400.00 per month in maintenance for life (unless my mom remarries). He can barley make it on his own much less support me. My mom has Multiple Sclerosis and makes enough to support herself, not me and my (what would be) five grandchildren. I have one sister who is single and I would never ask anything like that of her, plus she doesn't have any extra to give. The father (or sperm doner) is a single father himself who lives a life full of lies and deceit. I have seen bill collectors come into his place of business to have his wages garnished and the complete staffing of his job (including the owner) lie to the guy and say that R didn't work there. It would take me years to see a penny from this man and I would be lost by that time financially. So, there you have it. I don't know where I could pinch pennies to feed a fifth child. I would have to buy a new car since mine only seats five, and my small apartment would have to be replaced to house all six of us. I must also add that money is not the only issue. Do you have any idea how much time and attention children require? I do not have enough to give my four, much less add a fifth. Parenting (in my opinion) is not a job for a single person, it can be done, but it was not designed like that.

The solution!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Adoption. My baby will have a BEAUTIFUL home with wonderful parents where he will live a normal life with a mom and a dad. The children I have now will go on as they have without any huge interruptions and we will all have our ups and downs but its a heck of a lot better then the alternative.

What is the alternative? Basically, my baby would grow up with strangers in a day care. I will pick him up at the end of the night as well as my other FOUR kids and go home tired, but still have to do all the things that a mom has to do like dinner and bath time homework, house cleaning, laundry etc........ Some how I would fit in the diaper changes and feedings while I cook dinner and fill the needs of all the other FOUR kids, put the big kids to bed and then proceed to stay up all night with the baby just to get up early the next morning to do it all over again and again and again with no breaks. With the four that I have, I go out maybe twice a year. That s the only time I get a break from the kids. This would be my life. There is no time for anything and I would slowly loose myself to depression. I would become bitter and angry and I would go from being a good mommy of four to a frustrated and worn out and angry mommy of five. Sounds harsh hugh? ITS REALITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ive lived it and I know.

So when you want to leave a comment on my blog and beg me to keep my baby, save your comments until you TRULY think about what it really means for me to keep my baby. Do you want to be in my shoes? Really think about it. I made a terribly rash decision to get pregnant without having a commitment with a man and it came back to bite me in the butt. I made the mistake and now I have to make the best of a bad situation.

Now I live my life dedicated to the children. No I don't have a social life but that is part of being a single mom. I embrace it, but I also know my limits. I want to continue to be loving to my children. I want to be able to listen to them when they actually sit down and talk to me.

My ACTUAL needs!!! Being pregnant is starting to take its toll on me. I still have to work and take care of my four kids and my body is starting to really slow down. I NEED for people to be supportive because this is only going to get harder. I'm going to get bigger and more crabby and tired and I really need support from people telling me I can get through this. The only thing keeping me going is that it will eventually end, and that it will end wonderfully.

I hope I wasn't to mean in this post. I don't mean to be, but I wanted to be clear on my motives and my direction.


Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. Please don't turn on yourself. You are clean you always were and always will be. There is nothing to forgive. Your self esteem sounds so low, is there anything you can do to lift that up? You need to change the way you talk about yourself for a start. Use positive language.

I really don't know if there is ever an end to this. You can't give your child away and feel nothing, some mothers think that they can start a whole new life and be even better on track afterwards but the grief and loss shadows every move they make.

What a hard place you are in right now. You must feel very alone and without support. I think the children must feel it too.

Adoption is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. The baby grows fast as you well know. You don't know that you would be more depressed keeping him than giving him away. Either way you are not going to have an easy time and my heart goes out to you.

Whatever you do decide please make that decision based from having high self esteem. You do not seem to have that right now. In my opinion that means you are not making the best choice because you feel so badly about yourself.

Please will you research positive affirmations, positive self language, all kinds of things can be found even on youtube. Law of attraction, Louise Hay, Self Esteem.

Every day I want you to look in the mirror and say your name and then say "I love you" even if it feels silly. Then every day I want you to chant to yourself "I approve of myself, I am a good clean person" as much as you can. I also want you to say " I am a wonderful mother" every time you get the chance. You might feel stupid doing that but it will lift your spirits.

No matter what you do it's so important that you do this so that you come from a place of high self esteem rather than a place of shame surrounding this pregnancy.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Adoption is not the redeemer of shame. You are clean, you are worthy.

Anonymous said...

p.s. the children really will not go on without a huge interruption. The children will experience a huge loss, their baby brother will have disappeared. They will not go through this as though nothing has happened. This is something that they will have to deal with for the rest of their lives.

This is not something that ends at relinquishment, it only begins there. Adoption is huge, you never put it behind you and get on with your life. That's a big lie, it's a myth.
If you go on the adoption path then go with your eyes open.

Please please please do some work on your self esteem. I will pray for you. I send you lots of love and strength.

Anonymous said...

Rebekah, take comfort in knowing that you ARE forgiven. And yes, time is very healing. I am sorry you feel so awful about yourself. I look at you and think you are amazing.

I wish this blog could be a place where you could talk out your feelings and get support. As I mentioned in my first comment to you last week, I am also very pregnant right now, and your posts choke me up. I did the single mother thing after my divorce with an absentee dad for just two years with just one... and it was the most physically, mentally, and emotionally exhuasting thing ever. I am lucky that I only had to do it for such a short time.

I don't care what the backlash is here... but I do think kids need a mom and a dad. Kids need to be raised by a stable mother and father, and NOT in daycares with high turnovers... with moms so drained and physically/emotionally/spiritually exhuasted that all they can do is collapse at the end of the day. That is no life for you or for your children.

As I said before, I would understand and support you if in the hospital you decided you couldn't go through with the adoption. But the idea that random strangers on the internet are trying to convince you of the mistake of "giving away" your baby when you are very clearly expressing that you KNOW what single motherhood is like, anf can't add a fifth child to an already difficult situation... ugh, I hate it. I understand they want to warn you. Mission accomplished. I just don't know how they can keep trying to beat into you that this is a mistake, as if they know better than you do about your own life.

It won't be easy. But if you do decide to let B and R adopt, you will be doing it out of love for your baby, your other chidlren, and yes... even yourself.

Again, my love and prayers and support are with you no matter what you decide. I respect you enough to know you will make the RIGHT choice for YOU. We all have different paths and situations in life, and can only do what is best for ourselves. We cannot judge or pretend to know what is the "best" choice for someone else.


mak'n Changes said...

Ok here is my question.DID SHE ASK FOR ANYONES ADVICE? No she didn't! So quit fooling yourselves into thinking she did! The day she writes " can I ask your advice" is the day u can blow your hot air nonscence into her ears! JEEZ! What a bunch of bull crap that first comment had! Becky they were talking just to hear themselves sound theological. Close your eyes girlfrien don't give em the time of day! You are the most amazing woman I know! Dust their crap off you!

Kriss said...

As always R, I am proud of you. Only you know whats best for your baby. I am always here if you need to vent or need an ear. (((hugs))-kriss

Rebekah said...

Thank you everyone. I wish that I could respond to some of you but I dont know who the anonymous ones are. Anyway, thank you for your support. I WILL work on the positive affirmations. I realize that my self esteem is horrible. I think also though that my decision is based on my situation, not the way I feel about myself but of course it is important all the way around for me to change the way I feel about myself. Thank you everyone.

LL said...

YOu are in my prayers! May God continue to give you strength and peace and lift you up.

you have my support and friendship.

Anonymous said...

You could open an email account and let some of us communicate to you that way rather than on a public blog.

I would really like to give you support and talk to you but not through a blog.

I really don't think that God puts babies in the wrong wombs by the way. The whole idea that God plans adoptions seems crazy to me. It also implies that God deliberately makes women infertile, also that would mean that women who get breast cancer are also that way because of God. It makes no sense.

I mean people don't die in car crashes or lose a limb because of God do they? How far do we want to take this?

I see your baby as a gift from God to you. I don't see you as a special vessel for some random couple who are not able to conceive a baby of their own.

Of course you may see things completely differently and that's ok (of course)

It also bothers me that the people are buying baby clothes and have named the baby and claim him as their own already. That's very coercive. In a more relaxed atmosphere you could just know that should you decide to relinquish they will adopt him. Why do they stay so close to you and not let you out of your sight? As well as that why do they try so hard to make you like them? You do know that open adoptions are not legally binding? They can disappear anytime they feel like it.

Do you read other blogs by adoptive mothers, the ones who are very staunch about adoption reform and ethical adoption practice?

Do you read blogs by adopted people who are not glad their mothers gave them away?

Has nobody mentioned that this baby might not want to be given away, he might want to grow up with his brothers and sisters. Have you asked your children if they would like to be with other people and not you?

Anyway if you want to talk about all sides of adoption and weigh it all up - test yourself even. If after talking to some people who are horrified that you are doing this you are still wanting to then great!

It's not healthy to only be around people who say Jesus wants you to do this and aren't you wonderful and won't it all be doesn't hurt to hear about the dark side of adoption too. That way you get to see all the angles.

Hope this comment is respectful and kind, it was intended that way.

Anonymous said...

I don't find Kim's comment respectful or kind, but I do agree with her words regarding God making you pregnant for someone else. I believe you're pregnant because you had sex :). I don't think God had anything to do with that...but he is bringing redemption and healing to your story...I can see it/feel it in your words.

You are such an amazing woman, Rebekah, and all who read this blog can see that. I've been reading your story for a few weeks now and I have nothing but respect for you. You are the only one who knows what's right for you and your one else.

I also don't see you with self-esteem issues. I think everyone has good days and bad days. We all have times that we beat ourselves up over actions or decisions. When you keep a blog you invite everyone into those intimate moments....and it often seems like it's the bad times that get the most "air time" on blogs :).

Always remember who you are in Christ and the way that HE views you.

You're doing a great job. You're a great mom. A great daughter. A great friend.

I'm in your cheerleading section.


Desha said...

Like I have said before, I have experienced adoption, and the "dark side" is the exception. What I don't understand is the negative comments concerning the choice you have made. You know what you are doing, you have made the choice that is the best possible one for you, your children and your baby, and the bravest one in my opinion. You could have chosen to abort him, but you chose to give him life, and the best life possible. No one is forcing you, YOU made the choice, and it is okay. You souldn't be made to feel like crap because of your decision. They are not in your shoes, and only you can decide what is best. I understand that they might have good intentions, but trying to scare you is heartless and mean. Perfect love casts out fear.

Anonymous said...

B. she totally has self esteem issues. THe fact that she got pregnant to such a dead beat guy is the first indication of that.

Calling herself unclean is a huge indication that she has low self esteem.

She admits it herself.

It's healthy to call her on that and offer her suggestions on how to feel stronger and more self love.

Anyone who is pushing her into adoption and saying there is no dark side to it isn't doing her any service.

I suspect none of the people who are saying Jesus wants you to do this and adoption is fabulous have actually given a child away? Didn't think so.

There is nothing wrong with adoption if it's done in an ethical manner. Befriending a pregnant woman and letting her know that if she changed her mind and kept the baby that you would be completely upset is coercive. Sending gifts is coercive. Comparing her to Jesus is coercive. Telling her that what's she is doing is selfless is coercive.

Those who are warning her that she is not going into this with her eyes open are coming from a place of love.

I am ok with her going ahead with the adoption as long as she goes into it with ALL the information.

Michelle said...

Wow Bek! I haven't checked into your blog in a while, and it's getting HOT in here!

I don't mean to post "anonymous" but I don't have a blog of my own and don't know how else to post?

I don't read your blog so that I can debate your decisions. I read it because I find it and your daily life fascinating. You're making choices for you and your pregnancy that you see to be the best fit.

I don't think this process is going to be all peaches and cream. (but I don't think you do either). I think giving your child over to adoption is going to hurt like hell. I think you will think of your little boy often, and miss him so bad it hurts. But I don't necessarily believe even given all this, adoption isn't a good option for your family. If this is your decision, it's supported by this Bloggy friend.

Keep your chinny-chin up honey.

(oh, and PS...I haven't been to church in 10 years- I think we make choices in life...and I am not pro your adoption because Jesus told me to say so. Jesus is not stealing your baby- I guess he doesn't want me to support FEED the CHILDREN in Africa either, because if he wanted me to feed them he'd have put that child in my womb...that's the biggest bunch of hogwash I've ever heard!!! hysterical really).

Anonymous said...

I am not pro or anti your adoption. I am pro you having loads of different points of view. It's great you have so many people who are super enthusiastic about you choosing adoption (or is it?)

Is it good that people use words like "redemption" in association with you being pregnant? Since when is being pregnant a sin?

Infertile people have sex too, they just don't get pregnant.

A baby is a wonderful gift from God. He doesn't make mistakes and choose the wrong mother.

Rebekah said...

No God does not choose the wrong mothers. Your right. But, God gives us choices. He craves our love but he doesnt want it if we dont give it willingly, so he gave us choices. God doesnt make us do anything. Therefore, when I CHOSE to step out of his perfect plan and have sex before marriage, I chose to leave his protection. Now he is always there for me but now I have to suffer the consequences of my sin. I belive that God only gives us what we can handle, and so I also belive that is why he has made adoption such a wonderful choice for me. God knows I have all the children I can handle, and so he has provided R and B to be his parents where I can not be.

Please know that I KNOW there will be sadness afterwards. I know there will be tears and some emptiness. I am not being nieve to it. I hear your warnings, and I realize that you are suffering, and soon I will be a birth mother right along with you. I hope that you can be there for me afterwards when I will need emotional support. I would be there for you.

Just remember, God doesnt pick the wrong mothers for children, but in saying that, are you saying that all the adoptive parents are not true mothers?

Kelly said...

Rebekah, I wish I could hug u through the screen. I am praying for you tonight- for peace and the love and support you deserve.

You're beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story.

Anonymous said...

Rebekah you never left God's protection. I am not saying anything bad about adoptive mothers. We are not talking about that we are talking about you.

You have not done anything bad, getting pregnant is not a sin or a punishment. You are not being punished by God.

It's so sad that you feel like this. I am so sorry for you.

There is no point having any further contact with you if you are determined to abandon your child and want to think you are being punished by God then so be it.

Maybe this is your way of dealing with the guilt of what you are going to do.

Ginger said...

I won't say that there aren't any dark sides and painful places in adoption; even open adoption has it's dark side. I'm a first mom and I can tell you that it's not wonderful, it's not a start-over in life. But there are worse things than adoption.

I won't try to change your mind. You sound like you've done your research and trying to change your mind is pointless.

I hope things work out like you plan them to. I hope you can find peace within yourself on the religious aspects you've been discussing. I've found that for me, peace within myself about the decision (not happiness, but a sense of "it was the right choice") helps me a great deal through the bad times. I've never felt that my decision was the wrong one for me or my family and I hope you can find that sense of peace.

Since you found me, you know where to find me again if you want to talk privately.

Arcadia said...

G send me your way. I can't and won't offer any advice. I'm a first mom coming up on my daughter's first birthday but our situations are way too different. I can't know how you feel or what's best for you. The ones who think they can know are wrong. Every adoption decision is unique and personal. I jsut wanted to let you know that there are peopel out here in cyber land who will offer support no matter what you decide. I support your right and ability to make this decision for yourself.


Anonymous said...

I came over via Patrice's blog and have not read all of your blog posts. I did, however, read this one. I cannot tell you how articulate and smart and strong you are. You are doing the right thing! You. Are. I hope to stop by again, but I felt I needed to comment, especially after reading some of the comments on here. Whew, people have a lot to say when they are looking in from the outside, don't they?

You continue to take care of you, believe in yourself, ride the wave, and know that you and your children will be okay.


Anonymous said...

Rebekah, regarding the comment from Kim (NOT me, btw), delete that darn thing!! I feel that she was extremely harsh and unkind. The comment at the end about intending the comment to be respectful and kind...really? And, the part about God not putting babies in the wrong wombs? So God wants babies born addicted to crack, God want babies born to 12 and 13 year olds, God wants babies born to men and women who abandon or neglect or abuse their children. Something tells me, not so much.

I have been blessed to know four adopted adults who are beyond happy with the choice that their birthmothers made. I know people who have adopted and the experience is even more wonderful than they imagined.

I feel you are being a fantastic role model to your children!

Wouldn't you have thought I would have remembered some of this in my previous comment? That is so what happens when it gets late.