Well today marks six months for me. Yes, it represents that I am not only six months pregnant but it is significant in other ways to. As anyone knows when reading my blog, I have a very hard time forgiving myself for the choices I have made (ironically) six months ago. But, I do believe that for me, time does heal. It has been six months since I have seen Ron. To me that's a lot. That's half a year. I never want to go back. Every day I have to think about him because he is partly why I am pregnant and he is partly why I am not keeping my baby. He wants nothing to do with us. He wants to cut all ties. I cant even imagine how someone can do this. He knows that I am carrying his baby. I cant even cut all ties with my baby. Yes, I am giving him up to adoption, but I am certainly not cutting all ties. I couldn't. Little baby heart is part of me and I will always want to know that he is OK. I am thankful that R and B are allowing me to do that.
So today is very significant for me. I certainly don't feel whole. I still very much feel dirty, especially when I am faced with people that I can tell are disappointed in me. I cant wait to feel clean again in my spirit, and I cant wait to feel new. I know, people are going to tell me that I am already forgiven, and I know that. I know God has forgiven me, but I cant forgive myself. So, time is healing. I feel like I am coming out of it. I thank God for my mom and my dad and my sister in law and her husband who have been with me through everything, yet still manage never to judge me but to offer there unending love and support. What would I do without them?
I have had a few comments that I wanted to address on here. I appreciate again all the comments, but again feel the need to clarify my decisions.
Someone asked why the father was not around to help pay child support and to just help financially and they also asked why my family couldn't pitch in to help. Those are very fair and good questions.
My family (within the past five years) is broken. My parents were married for 30 years and are now divorced. My mom is disabled so my father is ordered to pay my mom $1400.00 per month in maintenance for life (unless my mom remarries). He can barley make it on his own much less support me. My mom has Multiple Sclerosis and makes enough to support herself, not me and my (what would be) five grandchildren. I have one sister who is single and I would never ask anything like that of her, plus she doesn't have any extra to give. The father (or sperm doner) is a single father himself who lives a life full of lies and deceit. I have seen bill collectors come into his place of business to have his wages garnished and the complete staffing of his job (including the owner) lie to the guy and say that R didn't work there. It would take me years to see a penny from this man and I would be lost by that time financially. So, there you have it. I don't know where I could pinch pennies to feed a fifth child. I would have to buy a new car since mine only seats five, and my small apartment would have to be replaced to house all six of us. I must also add that money is not the only issue. Do you have any idea how much time and attention children require? I do not have enough to give my four, much less add a fifth. Parenting (in my opinion) is not a job for a single person, it can be done, but it was not designed like that.
The solution!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Adoption. My baby will have a BEAUTIFUL home with wonderful parents where he will live a normal life with a mom and a dad. The children I have now will go on as they have without any huge interruptions and we will all have our ups and downs but its a heck of a lot better then the alternative.
What is the alternative? Basically, my baby would grow up with strangers in a day care. I will pick him up at the end of the night as well as my other FOUR kids and go home tired, but still have to do all the things that a mom has to do like dinner and bath time homework, house cleaning, laundry etc........ Some how I would fit in the diaper changes and feedings while I cook dinner and fill the needs of all the other FOUR kids, put the big kids to bed and then proceed to stay up all night with the baby just to get up early the next morning to do it all over again and again and again with no breaks. With the four that I have, I go out maybe twice a year. That s the only time I get a break from the kids. This would be my life. There is no time for anything and I would slowly loose myself to depression. I would become bitter and angry and I would go from being a good mommy of four to a frustrated and worn out and angry mommy of five. Sounds harsh hugh? ITS REALITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ive lived it and I know.
So when you want to leave a comment on my blog and beg me to keep my baby, save your comments until you TRULY think about what it really means for me to keep my baby. Do you want to be in my shoes? Really think about it. I made a terribly rash decision to get pregnant without having a commitment with a man and it came back to bite me in the butt. I made the mistake and now I have to make the best of a bad situation.
Now I live my life dedicated to the children. No I don't have a social life but that is part of being a single mom. I embrace it, but I also know my limits. I want to continue to be loving to my children. I want to be able to listen to them when they actually sit down and talk to me.
My ACTUAL needs!!! Being pregnant is starting to take its toll on me. I still have to work and take care of my four kids and my body is starting to really slow down. I NEED for people to be supportive because this is only going to get harder. I'm going to get bigger and more crabby and tired and I really need support from people telling me I can get through this. The only thing keeping me going is that it will eventually end, and that it will end wonderfully.
I hope I wasn't to mean in this post. I don't mean to be, but I wanted to be clear on my motives and my direction.