Saturday, March 7, 2009

Not sleeping much...

The insomnia has kicked in full time. I don't feel that tired in the day time so that is very good, but the nights are so long because I just cant seem to get sleep. I remember when I was married and pregnant this would happen and I would spend most nights on the couch so I wouldn't wake him up.

I don't like to talk about money so much but this is on my mind. I run a small day care out of my home. I only watch two kids at once and this time I am blessed that they are from the same family. I take care of two sweet boys ages six months and three years old. I have watched them since the little one was six weeks old. Its a HUGE blessing for me to be home with my three year old. I do not take it lightly that I can be home with him during these short years before school.

Generally I get paid from this family every week. Since the economy has become so terrible, the father has had a hard time keeping his job. He got laid off all of December and now they have dropped his hours down to about thirty hours a week. This is not good for me because I find that if he doesn't get paid, then they do not pay me. I don't want to give a bad impression of them because they have always caught up on there payments but if it were not for my tax money in January, I would not have recovered from December. Anyway, again it happened yesterday that they said they could not pay me. I really needed the money and asked them if they could possibly pay me something instead of nothing to get me through the weekend. They then wrote me out a check for 100 and said they would pay the rest on Monday. We will see.

The issue I am having is that I don't like depending on someone else for my income. Its scary for me not knowing if I will be able to pay rent. I make enough money (if the money was coming in) to support me and the kids but I am having some serious thoughts. I am in a precarious situation now because I am pregnant (I wish I could go yell at Ron because of this). Its hard enough to get a job much less walking in with a swollen belly and asking for a job. Yeah right. LOL Ive tried that before and it doesn't work so well. So, my prayer is that my babysitting job will hold out for a few more months until I can have this baby and then possibly look for a job outside the home. It would only have to be part time but Skyler would be put in daycare. He is really close to preschool age anyway so It wouldn't be so bad. I have had three wonderful years with him. I'm so blessed for that.

I know it will all work out. I don't have a back up if cant pay my bills. That is the hard part. If worse came to worse I would have to move to Arizona and live with my mother in law(ex). That wouldn't be that great of a situation because I would have to start over again. I don't want to do that. I have worked to hard to get where I am.

When baby boy is born I plan on changing a lot of things. It will be a chance to do better and start over. I a very excited for that.


mak'n Changes said...

money is a scary thing. I get caught up in those thoughts myself quite often. The only thing I tell myself is God allways provides. Each time I get scared and bugged and irritated to tears, and choose to forget that He has always provided. then when the situation turns out fine, I look back and then to I accept the fact that He does love me and he Always will provide.
trusting in the unseen is a very hard thing for me. Im always telling the Lord, " SHOW ME THE MONEY!" *LAUGH* He must just shake his head at me and mutter, "oh cindie!" *laugh* I love Him for that!

Anonymous said...

Wow... I read your blog today and am still processing everything!

First, I want to tell you how amazing you are. You have picked yourself up by the bootstraps more than once, and are trying to make a better life for you and your kids. I was a single parent for 2.5 years with my first daughter with a disappeared bio-dad, and remember how emotionally/physically/financially draining that was. I can't imagine doing it with four, and again... I am just really impressed with you.

I get sad when I read how much you're beating yourself up over the situation with Ron. We all have things in our lives that we look back on and say, "I should have known better." But God is such a good and merciful God, and if we could be perfect on our own, we never would have needed Jesus! Turning to him with true contrition and a sincere resolve to avoid sin and serve Him with the rest of our lives is all we can do.

I have so many mixed emotions reading your thoughts and others' thoughts on your decision to paticipate in adoption. I am pregnant too with my fourth, 29 weeks along, so I am more touched by just about everything I read these days. But in all honesty, I know lots of families who have adopted children. I have seen the beauty of it from the adoptive parenting side. We have gone through it in a much more minor way when my now-husband legally adopted my first child after we got married. I just never, ever thought about how much a natural mommy goes through when she leaves the hospital and the years to come afterward. I am so ashamed to admit that! I thought before of how difficult the decision would be in the hospital and signing papers, but never the long term effects. It is something that we are never exposed to, on the outside looking in. I've never known what that was like, and reading these comments and the blogs about it kind of scares me. Grief that real, that raw, from a mother who has experienced such a traumatic loss not by fate but by her own choice is just... wow. I can understand why some of the women are in so much pain and want to help others avoid the same consequences.

I can appreciate the "warnings" these mothers are giving you. They want to spare you from the pain they will carry. And as much as B and R are beautiful, amazing people I can understand the warnings that in the end, in the hospital, you need to think about the baby and not about disappointing anyone. However, reading your blog and going through a couple of years of single parenthood myself with just one, I do believe you with my whole heart when you say having another baby to raise would destroy you. I deal with depression and as much as I love being a mother and have a wonderful husband who helps me with everything, I get overwhelmed at times.

You and only you can make this decision in the end. I think it is good to explore and imagine what you could be feeling after an adoption, and also if you kept your son. Then if you still decide that B and R are going to be the parents of your son, you won't feel cheated or coerced. I think it is good to read these women's words and gain what wisdom you can from them. I wouldn't let some of the more insulting remarks hurt you, but taking the overall message into consideration can only help in the end.

Sorry for rambling on here... just want you to know that a stranger across the country is thinking and praying for you tonight. Whatever you decide to do, I respect and admire you for doing it.