Beautiful!!

We were at church the other night and were practicing for our Easter play when we all heard "thunk." I looked over and saw a boy seizing on the carpet. We all started gathering around him, trying to make sure that he didn't hit his head on the chairs. One man had his whole body braced between his feet so that the boy didn't move much. I just stood there with tears in my eyes. My son was on my right and my daughter was on my left, and I could see the concern on there face. My daughter wouldn't leave this boy until she was sure he was going to be OK. He did come out of the seizure and the paramedics came. Later that night I learned that this 13 year old boy has cancer. He had just been put on a new form of chemo and was having a reaction to it. I look at this boy and he is the same age as my oldest. I have nothing to complain about. I have thought about this boy every day since it happen and I just cant get him out of my head. I keep going back to my kids and am blessed to have such healthy children, but I know that can be taken away in a moment. I find that to often I don't take time to appreciate what has been given to me. My kids are not even my own, they are Gods and I am here only to take care of them and then send them off to do the same thing as I am doing, but hopefully better. Thank you God for my kids.

I was feeling down last week. I was tired of doing the same thing every day. There was nothing to look forward to (so I thought) and I was just being a big bum. I decided to pack up the kids and head to walmart. When I got there I stepped out of the car, I felt a cool breeze and I saw this......

And this..................

And I realized that I had nothing to complain about or to be bummed about, I only needed some fresh air and a change of scenery. I live in a beautiful city. The mountain is only about 20 minutes away. I love my town.

I had such a good night tonight. I was so bored today and just (again) tired of looking at my walls. LOL (I really need a good book to read) My mom decided to come over and stay and ended up doing so till about nine. It was nice to have company in the house and someone to talk to.

We talked a lot about the adoption. I think she is as excited as I am about it. I am so grateful to have support of my family. I will have my mom at the birth. She is really excited that she gets to be there. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Check this out!!

Ill post more later but check out my ticker. Its WAY down at the bottom of my blog, so scroll way down. I tried to put it on my side bar but it was to long and got cut off, so I have to put it way down here.

Can you believe the baby weighs more then a pound now? WOW!!

Not to much going on!!

Tonight we had Easter play practice at our church. I like to go and get the kids some ice cream after we are done. I do it because its fun to do with the kids, but also I do it so that there bedtime snack is done and we can go home, brush teeth and climb into bed. Its usually pretty late when we get home.

I got all the kids home and in bed and then realized I should put a fresh diaper on Skyler. He was already asleep and he seemed to sleep through the diaper change, but just as I was going to walk out the door I hear "luv you momma." Oh, that melted my heart. He is really slow to talk (compared to the other kids) so for me to hear him talk after three years of not much but babble is so fun. I kinda want him to stay little. He is my last and I'm having so much fun with him, but I am glad to be out of the baby stage.

Nothing new on the adoption front. I am still waiting to get hooked up with a local adoption agency and then we will see what happens.

Baby is still getting bigger and stronger. I can feel his movements every day now and they seem to be getting stronger. My energy is still increasing and I find myself more motivated every day to get stuff done that has been put off from being sick for so long.

I also just realized that I think I will have this baby before it gets to hot here. YIPPEE!!! I don't know what I am worried about, Ive been huge and pregnant in the 119 degree heat of Phoenix Arizona. OK, that was miserable.

I took a virtual tour of the hospital I will deliver at. I have never had such nice rooms for delivery. This hospital is top notch. They just built it. The bathrooms in the birthing suites have jacuzzi tubs with jets. WOW!! I wont be getting in them for the birth, but who knows afterwards.

My last birth with Skyler was the most pain free birth I have ever had. When I got to the hospital the nurse said I could have an epidural before they started to induce me. I was basically numb for a few hours before anything happened. The only problem I can see with this is that my labor with Skyler took over 22 hours. That was terrible. I am now wondering if it was because the early epidural. With all my other births I was not allowed to get the epidural until 3-4 centimeters. Oh the pain of getting to 3-4 cm. Its scary. With Matthew, I waited till I was 4 centimeters and then they started to put the epidural in, but it took them 45 minutes to get it in. By that time, I leaned back to lay back down and his head was coming out. From start to finish it was four hours. Its so unpredictable.

On one hand I want the labor to be long so that I get to spend lots of time with the adoptive parents, but on the other hand, long labors are tiring for everyone. We will just have to play it by ear.

Nothing interesting to say so.........

I thought I would take a blast back three years and take you all through (partly through) my last pregnancy three years ago.

I conceived Skyler while married to my second husband Rodney. It was a very planned pregnancy but my marriage went really wrong and I ended up leaving him. My blessings came when I was able to move in with my kids Auntie and Uncle. They were an enormous support for me and my kids and we became one happy family. I will be forever grateful to them for allowing me and my kids to share there beautiful home with them until I could get back on my feet. I lived with them from 3 months pregnant until Skyler was two years old.

Here are a few pictures along the way starting with a picture of me before I got pregnant.

I was at a fairly comfortable weight here. I certainly wasn't as skinny as I was before I had any kids but I was happy.
This is a picture of me near the end of my pregnancy. The man in the picture is the kids Uncle and the little boy is there cousin.

Of course this is me in the hospital. I look really big and tired. LOL But I was very happy.
This is the day or the day after we came home from the hospital. He was so tiny.

Here he is in a cute little outfit. The problem is that he was the chubbiest baby I have ever had so basically he looks like a stuffed turkey. He cant really put his arms down in this jacket. LOL

Now Skyler is three years old. He is not as chubby, well except his cheeks. I would be sad if he didn't have those chubby cheeks. He is such a joy. I love every day with him.

almost 23 weeks?

I really don't know what day of the week I actually turn 23 weeks. I wish I knew. It used to be that I switched weeks on Sundays, then it turned to Thursdays. I think I will keep it at that. I'm going to say that I'm 23 weeks.

Today was a good day. All three older kids got there new glasses. I was hoping they would all have there fathers eyes, but it turns out that two of them keep having there prescriptions upped, and then Victoria now needs reading glasses. Ugggg!!! They all think its cool right now but they will soon find out that it is such a handicap to have bad eyes.

We went to the park today and even though it was a bit chilly and windy we still had fun. After that we went to the kids Aunt's house to have dinner. We made tacos and home made salsa and cherry cobbler. I am so stuffed.

I am feeling horrible today. I periodically get really bad allergy attacks that just really wipe me out. My nose wont stop running and I sneeze all the time and my head is pounding. I hate taking any medication while pregnant but I did get some Tylenol sinus approved by my OB so I took some today. I hate doing that but I am miserable. These attacks usually pass within a couple days.

I am starting to notice my growing belly more. When I go into public restrooms I accidentally hit my tummy with the stall door because I am not used to compensating for a growing belly. This is the fun part of pregnancy, when your belly starts to grow and people actually start noticing that I'm not just FAT, I'm pregnant. LOL

I have also been noticing that something strange is poking me in my upper right side, kinda high on my belly. Its right under my ribs and it is just a funny feeling. I can almost push it down. For a while I thought that it couldn't possibly be the baby because I didn't think he could reach that high yet, and my mind started to wonder to things it could be, but now I think that it has to be the baby. I don't think any of my children have stretched themselves up there before. LOL It doesn't hurt, but its just uncomfortable. Silly boy.

I was watching the "biggest looser" tonight. I liked all of it except the parts that they showed that girl throwing up. Usually they blur that stuff out but they showed all of it. I about lost my tacos. So nasty....but I was thinking that I wished I looked like those girls. I know they have a lot of weight to loose but I have more. I cant wait till baby boy is here and I can start putting my body back where it belongs. I am looking forward to expressing my milk because it will help me loose 500 calories a day just by doing that. Not to mention all the little babies I am going to help by donating my milk. I am excited.

Well I have to go to bed. My eyes are burning and my head is pounding. I am hoping I wake up to a better feeling day.

My aspiring rock star!!!!

I am going to probably post more later but I had to post this video of Chelsea singing. She really does have a nice voice but she refuses to take any tips or pointers from me because Im mom. I really could help her, I have been trained by opera singers and have had music lessons and singing lessons all my life....but I realize that I am just "mom" and so I have stepped back and allowed her to take her own lead and learn things on her own. Anyway, I thought it would be fun to share her progress. This song she is singing is a band called Evanescence. I have looked them up on "Focus on the Family's" plugged in and they seem to be ok and claim to be Christians. Oh and by the way, any parents out there with children that want secular CD's or movies or anything like that, Plugged in online is a great place to go to get a great review on if it would be what you would want your kids to listen to. I love it and go there quite often.

Adoption Updates!!!

Not to much to update. I did get a call from the agency last week. She was just telling me that she met with Rebekah and B and was telling me how excited they were. I like hearing how excited they are. She said she would call me some time next week(which is this week). I guess she is trying to get me hooked up with a local adoption agency before she comes out to see me so that the process can get started. I have no idea what the process is but I am ready to get started.

She did call me yesterday. She was asking questions that I never thought applied. The first one was if I was legally married when I conceived the baby. The answer is absolutely no but she still needs confirmation. I emailed her the divorce decree today. The next question is if I am a native American with papers. I actually do have Cherokee Indian in me but I have never been a registered Indian. My three older kids are, and I even have there Indian cards but it is not from my side. So, I guess the next step in this process is that the case worker will fly out to see me and spend almost an entire day with me going through orientation and whatever else is needed. She is willing to meet with me at my house so that I don't have to worry about the little ones. They can just run around like normal. I couldn't imagine meeting at a restaurant or something like that. We wouldn't get anything done.

I got another comment from someone out there...but this time they did not leave the comment anonymously. She invited me to read her blog which I did (thank you). Again I read that she was a very young teenager that felt forced into the decision to give away her baby. So sad. That is not a situation for anyone to have to endure. I fully believe that you will regret your decision if it wasn't your choice in the first place. I cant say that I know all that played into the situation, and who is to say it was the best for this girl at the time, but regardless, years and years later, she is sad and misses her baby. I'm so sorry for that.I am in a different place. I have four children of my own. I am not saying it will be easy. I'm not trying to be naive about the whole thing, but I don't feel like I am giving away my baby. I am allowing two wonderful people be the parents of the baby, that doesn't take away the fact that I am his mom. In fact, this little guy is so lucky, he has two moms, just Rebekah will be his full time mom, and I am what is called a birth mom. He will also have something that I could never offer him, a wonderful Father. I have no doubt in my mind that B will be a great dad, and it is a bonus that he likes to fish because I LOVE LOVE LOVE to fish and now my little boy will be a fisherman to. YIPPEE!!! I believe that Rebekah and B will be an extension of me, that we will always be part of each others lives. We do live far away which I think will put a nice distance between us and give them there privacy and I will get to enjoy watching baby boy grow, and he will always know of me and the kids. Its not the perfect situation. If it were perfect then I would have been married before I conceived. But for me, this is the best situation now because you cant turn back time. It is what it is.

I don't know if I will offend people by what I say. I cant help how I feel. I am learning more and more about the process and I am just enjoying my time to get to know R and B and I think it will end up being wonderful and happy and such a miracle to be part of.

I'm feeling OK. I can feel baby boy moving still some each day. I'm up and around a lot so I think I miss a lot of his movements. A few pregnancy discomforts are starting to set it...the kind that only happen when you start getting bigger. Oh Joy!! LOL I cant wait for the really big kicks from little guy, the kind you can see from the outside that look like your stomach has an alien in it. So cool!!!

And to my cousin: You are just so sweet, and Im just taking the time right now to say that I love you and miss you deeply. Keep taking things one day at a time (as you probably are), ask for God to give you the desire to work until you dont have to, ask him to give you his love for your job because clearly you dont have it as many of us dont. If we only had a little of his love for things we dont care for, our hearts would be full. I do love you.

My son.

In this post I will be talking mostly about my son Matthew. He is my first son and he is now nine years old. I remember when he was first born. I took one look at his penis and thought "what the heck do I do with that?" I didn't have brothers and I had no idea how to care for a boy and my last two babies were girls. Of course you learn and boys are wonderful and sweet.

Matt was nine months old when I left his father. He doesn't remember ever living with his dad. Now he spends two months in the summer with his dad. I don't think they connect very well. Matthew is a very spunky and active boy. He doesn't like watching TV and he would rather not watch movies. Instead, he would like to be outside riding bikes and throwing balls and getting into trouble. LOL And that is exactly what he does most of the time. Because of the way he his, his father can not really relate to him. His dad is a computer engineer and is completely happy sitting in front of his computer playing games for 24 hours a day. This is one reason (I believe) that our marriage didn't work out, it may be small in others eyes, but when your husband doesn't come out of the room except to go to work or to pee, then it does put a wall in your relationship. I do think that over the years the two of them will learn to connect more, I pray they do anyway.

Matt has had many many problems in school. I have never seen anything wrong with Matt before but now the teachers think he has ADHD. His attention span has never been great but neither is mine. I am better now because I have taught myself to be better but at nine years old and having such an active personality, its hard to sit still in school. His teacher is always calling me and telling me that Matt is behind again. Last week she called me and said "We are not allowed to spank here in school, but there at home you know you can." She calls me ALOT and seems to be really involved with getting him to do his work, but for some reason I don't think she likes him and I feel she is sick of him. Additionally, Matt does not want to go to school now because he is afraid of her. Why would this be happening? I tell my kids all the time that they are going to have teachers that they don't like but they still have to go to school, but I don't think they should be afraid of them.

Again, I feel alone in all this. Matt comes home with tons of homework and a very poor attitude because he has already had a frustrating day. I have my babysitting kids till about five thirty, homework to do with the kids, and dinner to somehow get done, and a three year old to watch. I HATE homework. I don't have time for it and there is not enough of me to go around. I don't know how to help my son. I send him to school for the teachers to teach him, I don't have a husband to help me at nights or anyone for that matter, so I really wish that homework was just banned. LOL Kids get enough schooling at school. When they come home it should be family time and play time and getting ready for school the next day time. As it is, my kids don't get home until about four thirty because they are in after school counseling. This is crazy.....


Today I will pack up all the kids and head to the lab. The OB doctor called me because I have not had the labs done that they want. So, I promised I would get them done today. I also have to collect my urine for 24 hours so that they have a baseline for my kidneys and things like that in case I get really sick with eclampsia. This sounds like a world of fun for me.

I am not trying to be negative.....but right now I just feel emotional and helpless when it comes to certain things. All I can do is get through each day.

Baby is moving fine. Everything seems to be OK....I just need to get through this day. Oh and here is a video of Chelsea playing her piano. She is getting quite good.

Her voice!!!

Today I had a few hours to go out and eat dinner and watch a movie with my sister. I have not spent time with her for a long time so today was special. We laughed and laughed and then I started crying because I realized that it had been a long time since I had laughed like that. It was quite refreshing and weird feeling. Up until a few weeks ago, I had nothing to laugh about. Isn't that funny? I have four beautiful kids and a roof over my head and the never ending love of my Heavenly Father, but I hadn't laughed in so long....not like I did tonight.

When I got home I went to the computer to check (of course) for an email from Rebekah and B. What I found was a video that Rebekah invited me to view on Utube. It was Rebekah reading a children's book to the baby. I clicked on it and I heard the voice. This is the sweet voice that my baby will hear every day when he wakes up and when he goes to bed, when he falls and skins his knee, or when he makes his first goal in soccer. What a sweet sweet voice. I was so blessed to hear it. What I noticed the most was her accent. She might not be aware of it but the certain state that she lives in has this beautiful accent that I have always loved (I used to live there). My little boy (her little boy) will have this accent. How wonderful.

Rebekah, I look forward to more stories from you. I will listen to them and turn the volume up high so that little one can hear them. Thank you so much!!! Maybe B can poke his head in sometimes? Tell him I said hi to.

OH and I fogot. I saw the movie "Taken" tonight. My kids will NEVER be going to Paris. LOL Its a wonderful movie. I would recomend seeing it.

Breastmilk

I have been thinking a lot today about breast milk. Weird I know, but this is going to be a big thing for me in a few months. Just because I am not keeping my baby doesn't mean my milk wont come in. I had originally thought that I would ask for the pill or the shot that dries me up. Ether way, I am expecting this part of it all to be very painful because after birth I have an over abundance of milk. Since this is my fifth viable pregnancy I know from my past pregnancies that my milk comes in very fast and sometimes it will already be there at the birth.

OK so here is my new thought. For a variety of reasons, I am thinking of donating my breast milk. From what I understand there is a milk bank that would take the milk and pasteurize it and then send it off to babies that need it like preemies or any other baby that would need it. I have a lot more research to do but I don't see why I wouldn't be able to. There are so many reasons. Breastfeeding also helps loose weight and that will be at the top of my list after birth, plus it will make me feel normal and needed.

We will see what happens.

Updates!!!

This my third blog from the news on the sex last night. So if you have not read in a few days then go two posts back from this one for the good news on the sex of the baby.

I had to post again because the doctor just called and I want to have this all logged in. I really feel like crying right now. This is so frustrating. OK so here is what is going on.

I have hypertension right now which translated is high blood pressure. The scary thing about this is that it can turn into pre-eclampsia which is what I ended up having with my last baby three years ago. So, now that my blood pressure was high at this last appointment (140/90 which isn't that high to me) they are just freaking out on it and doing all these preventative things. I wish I had someone here to help me. I can already see this is going to be a very very hard pregnancy. I also have to get blood work done at the lab to check my levels, and collect my urine for 24 hours for a bas line in case anything goes terribly wrong they have something to work with. I can just see me now going into the lab with a jug of pee. Ewwww!!

So the doctor said that I will be on the blood pressure medication twice a day 100 mg per dose. It is apparently a safe drug, of course, but I don't like it at all. I have never been on any medication during a pregnancy and so I am having a very hard time trusting the doctors. Ive always had healthy babies and never smoked drank or had any prescription or non-prescription medication. I'm scared.

Even though I am complaining a lot, I am so thankful to have a doctor that cares so much about me. I have had pregnancies that nothing was done with my high blood pressure. There was no preventative stuff done or anything so i don't know. Matthew was born two weeks early because of my BP and then I ended up going on that horrible drug in the end to prevent seizures. So, maybe all this will help me in the end have an easier recovery? I sure hope so.

Because baby has renal pelvic dilatation I am to go and have a growth scan every four weeks and they will check the fluid level and the baby's respiration's during that time. Right now, the doctor wants me in his office every two weeks but starting at 28 weeks he wants to see me twice a week. WHAT!!!!!!????? This is probably going to be the hardest thing I have ever done and honestly, I don't know if I can do that with my job. (yes I'm complaining now) I'm really really worried that I can do all this stuff that they are asking me to. I don't have any help here. Can I just scream now.

Its in moments like these that I really don't like Ron. I could just scream at him right now and God knows what else. Maybe I should just slap him on the face for his selfishness. Its not fair that I have to do all this alone. I guess I have to trust the doctors judgment. I just wish I would have been better to my body over the years. I wish I had not let myself get so heavy....because in my mind I think that I wouldn't have these hypertension issues if I didn't gain so much weight.I don't know if that is true or not. I'm just upset right now. Ill be better later.

Why art thou cast down O my soul? and why
art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in
God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the
health of my countenance, and my God.
Psalms42:11 KJV

The day after!!!

OK, so now I am rested and am going to finish up my post from yesterday. If you have not read yesterdays post.....its a good one because it tells what sex the baby is. So exciting. So here is me before the appointment. I did chop my hair off a few weeks back. I really do have hair at the top of my head but because I took the picture obviously I cut the top of my head off. Sheesh!!

As you can see, I was bored waiting for the doctor to come in so the above picture is the bed I would be laying on and the bottom picture is the lovely doctors office sink. Isn't it homey? LOL
OH...I FORGOT! The doctor always measures your fundal height which is the measurement between your pubic bone and the top of your uterus. They measure you in centimeters and it should line up with how many weeks you are. I am measuring 22. I always thought that I would measure really big because I am over weight, but from my experience, my being overweight has never impacted the measurements. So I am measuring a week ahead of my NEW due date of June 25th.

Rebekah and B sent me a package that arrived yesterday. They wanted me to have a present on the very special ultrasound day. It was so sweet. Each kid got a Valentines gift and I got some wonderful pictures of the two of them (which I will cherish forever) and some wonderful shirts. How thoughtful. Rebekah knew that my wardrobe is very horrible (because I had mentioned it). So this is GREAT. Here is a picture of us below with the kids and there gifts.

The last picture is of the girls and there socks. So cute!!!!

So, lastly I will be waiting for the doctor to call me today. I am already showing signs of PIH (pre-eclampsia) and so they want to get a handle on it now. I got VERY sick after Skyler was born three years ago. I had to be hospitalized and put on magnesium sulfate to bring down my blood pressure. That magnesium is a drug from HELL. I do not want it and I will refuse it if they are going to give it to me. In fact, I am going to make it part of my birth plan. I have had it with two births now and I know my body enough that there are other methods to bringing my blood pressure down besides that terrible drug. It nearly drives me in sane.

Well, I'm off today and the doctor has told me to rest. Yeah right. That is so hard for me to do. I rented two movies from the red box but my mind is swimming with things that need to be done. (sigh) Would it be considered resting to go walk the mall? LOL

Until later!!!!

ITS A.........

BOY!!!!!!


That's right. I was secretly hoping for a boy so this just so wonderful. So here is how my day went.


My sister came over around 2:30 to babysit for me. I showed her a few things and then left a little early because I was hungry and wanted to get a sandwich. I headed towards Schlotzsky's (my favorite sandwich shop) and on the way there say an African American women standing there with a sign that said simply "HOMELESS HUNGRY." I can never pass these people up. I thought that if I was going to get myself a sandwich then I would get her one to. I never give them money, but I will buy them some warm food. So a warm chicken sandwich sounded wonderful so I picked up two. I drive back over to the lady who is still standing there and said to her as I am rolling down my window "I bought you a warm sandwich." She just looked at me and said "Thanks but no." I was taken back. I said to her "Its warm and I have not touched it and your sign says you are hungry." She again looked at me and said "No." I asked her if she was serious and she said yes, so I had no choice but to drive off. I am still shocked by it. Did she really just want money? So, off I went to the appointment. But can I say......SO WEIRD!!!!!!


So I get to the doctor and after about fifteen minutes in the waiting room they put me in the ultrasound room. She would not let me video or take pictures of the screen but I did manage to beg her for lots of pictures and ended up with nine pictures. How wonderful is that. I wont post them all here but that's a lot. Here are a few before I wrap up the rest of this.
You can see that in this picture the placenta is right above baby's face. It is positioned at the top left of my uterus. That's a great spot for it to have grown.




Well this picture will go down in history because it shows its little boy parts. How cute is that. You can see the two leg bones between the arrow.
This is his feet. He has his legs crossed at the knee so what you are seeing is the bottom of one foot and the side of another. AhHHHH, baby feet, so sweet.

This is just a better profile picture. Oh, a couple things I forgot to tell Rebekah and B are that the brain looked so good, no cleft pallet but the baby was breach. LOL Now wouldn't that just be something? I do NOT want a c-section. I have never had one and they scare me to death. The good news is that its early enough on that baby has enough time to turn. Turn baby Turn.

I have more pictures and more to say but I am soooo tired. Ill post more fun stuff with pictures tomorrow.

My first negative comment!!

Well, I guess I should have been prepared for my first negative comment. Was it a negative comment though? It seemed to come from another birth mom who is really really hurt and misses her baby a great deal.

This person made me think that I have not been clear on my emotions or other things. I am also assuming this anonymous commenter was a women. She mentioned that giving my baby up would be like giving an arm or a leg up and that I put the adoptive parents on a pedestal. I don't know what to think about this. I am always expecting support so it was weird to get negative, but its good. Everyone has there own opinion.

I guess I do think more of the adoptive family then I do myself because right now I am still healing and I am really down on myself for some decisions I have made. My life just seems like a train wreck. The only successful part of my life are my kids, the rest has not gone how I planned, or maybe I didn't make plans, I just went with the flow? But I know I made plans when I was younger. Of course my biggest dream was to be a mother, but my dream was not to be married twice and then end up a single mom of 4.5 kids. Who dreams of that (except the women that gave birth to sextuplets...CRAZY!!!!)

Anyway, of course I dream of getting over seventy comments from people that love me and are all positive and wonderful...but...I am going to get these comments. I know that it is going to be hard....but I am at the beginning of my journey and am still preparing for the emotions this will bring in the end. I have not gone through any counseling (zero) to prepare myself for what is ahead. I plan on doing that but I have a few months to go. Right now it seems exciting and new, but I know there will be tears on both sides and happiness and sadness. I am so thankful that I get to come home to my sweet three year old and not to an empty home.

So now I am sad. I am sad for the person that commented because I really sensed her pain. She wanted to warn me...how sweet. I appreciate it and I am not mad, nor does it make me change my mind, but makes me want to prepare more.

Ultrasound today. I might post more later. I just woke up and had that comment and had to reply.

Oh, to the others that have commented, your comments (my sweet irreplaceable cousin) mean more to me then you know. Thank you.

Love, and my second post for the day!!

I just read Rebekah's blog for the day. Well, I said her name but I don't think she will mind. She has the same name as me, Isn't that amazing? I have never met anyone who spelled there name the same as me. Anyway, I had to blog on my feelings towards some of her post.

When I first started out this journey, my main concern and main caution was getting two people involved ...

Paused because the doctor just called to confirm my ultrasound tomorrow combined with my OB appointment. YIPPEE!!

OK, so anyway, I was made aware by the adoption agency that the adoptive parents are aware of all the risks. I had no idea that adoption held so many risks when I first decided. I thought that since I had made the decision to relinquish my child to adoption that it was settled and that was the way it was going to be. My heart sunk when I realized that my particular state (Colorado) did not allow for the father to relinquish there rights before the baby is born. Of course there are other states that allow that but not mine. This is where I got really scared but then, I decided to go completely on faith and allow God to control the situation. That is all I can do....trust.

So anyway on the love thing which is what this entry is titled. Love is such a simple word, but over the years I have learned that love is not so simple of a thing. It takes work, it is a decision and most of all......its scary. It is really scary to put everything on the line and make the decision to love with all your heart. While I was reading Rebekah's blog (also keeping B in mind at all times) she said that she had made a "decision" to love this baby despite the risks and despite the warnings to keep herself "cautiously optimistic." How selfless, how wonderful this couple is. They certainly could guard there hearts and step back a little in an effort to self protect, but....it goes to show the amount of love they will have for my baby.

This is exactly why I picked them, but I now know that actually God picked them, I just followed his lead.

Pictures and much much more!!!

I love Wednesdays. Me and the kids have a good reason to get out of the house and so we quite enjoy the day. I live in a 1100 square foot apartment so it can get quite boring sometimes. I hate being inside all the time. So on Wednesdays Chelsea goes to counseling and then I take her back to school. Today, after I dropped her off we ran over, or I should say we drove over, to Chick-Fil-A and let them play on the indoor play land. They love it. By that time it is nearly twelve o'clock so I run home and put everyone down for a nap. AHHHHHH!!! Then I get to sit and have some quiet time. Fun Fun!

So, today at Chelsea's counseling I had a very good conversation with Linda (the counselor)before Chelsea came in. We were talking about the kids and just how to approach disrespect and other fun parenting things when the adoption came up. Now, I totally respect this lady, she has done so much for me and my kids so anything that comes out of her mouth is like gold to me. So anyway, she said to me "I would HIGHLY suggest that you let the adoptive parents hold and touch the baby as soon as possible and as much as possible." We were not talking about that in particular, we were talking about how Victoria doesn't want to go to Arizona, but instead stay here to see the baby born. So that comment threw me off, but ironically I have thought about that subject on many many occasions. I truly want B and R to have as many firsts as possible. It is there baby so they should be handed the baby first off but on a selfish note, I want to be the one to hand them the baby. We will see how it plays out in the end. But I feel very strong about letting them have all the first hugs and kisses, I figure I can get all mine later after the fact.

So, I wanted to post some pictures. First, I must tell you about my dog. Her name is Maggie. She is a full bread Pekingese and she is just over a year old. Because of the bread of dog she is, she requires hair cuts many times a year. I have called many places to check on the price of grooming, and I can never get myself to pay the super high prices that they charge. So, to get around spending so much money, I have always cut her hair myself, except this time, it went very wrong. I wish I had a before picture but I just don't.....so here is an after picture. In my defence, my clippers broke before I could get her finished....so that is why she looks the way she does.

You can see how long her hair used to be down by her rump. LOL

Here is Matthew right before the bus came in his very dirty coat. I can not keep that thing clean...he is such a boy.
Victoria would not let me take her picture, so I only have this distance shot of her walking to the bus.
Here is Chelsea on a good day :)

And of course, Skyler.

Ron

When I started this blog, I vowed to myself that I would be open and honest even if it meant showing all the icky stuff about myself, and in showing the icky stuff about myself, hopefully finding healing and strength through it.

So tonight, I decided to post about Ron. Who is Ron? Well, he is the bio dad of the sweet baby heart in my belly. The true reason I want to post about Ron is because I think it will show how much of a miracle this baby truly is. So, here goes.

I met Ron last year in the parking lot of my apartment complex. He worked for a tow company and was hired by my apartments to tow away cars that were parked illegally or who's tags were expired. Anyway, it was the 4th of July (I'm pretty sure) and I had just got back from a wonderful fire works show and was getting out of the car when he pulled up and we started talking. I had seen him before and had spoke to him briefly before so it wasn't a complete stranger. On this night, he asked for my number. I was completely speechless, but managed to give it to him. Well of course from there we started talking more and more and then seeing each other. There is so much more but I don't want to go into that.

Needless to say, our relationship went to far and I ended up getting pregnant. I didn't want another baby. I already had four kids. I was raising them alone, and it was already quite challenging, but I thought that if he was as sweet and wonderful as he seemed to be then we could do it together. We planned to get married and even picked out rings. Things seemed to be going smoothly until......I had a miscarriage. I was six weeks pregnant. Now, this is very very strange for me. I have always had regular periods and have never lost a baby. This was in August, early September of last year. I just thought it was so bizzar for my body to fail me like that, but at the same time I was so relieved. I had many red flags about Ron but I just wasn't willing to recognize them. So, the miscarriage went as I guess it should and time went on. Around the start of October I was made aware that Ron was (putting it politely) not being faithful to me. Through a series of very dramatic events, I threw him out of my life. Now, I still had not had a period since the miscarriage and so I waited for it to come and it never did. I began to get a little worried that something else was going on. After all, I never miss a period unless I am pregnant. But I thought "I cant be pregnant because I didn't have a period. DEAR GOD please help me not to be pregnant. You got me out of this mess once, please not again." This was my cry to God. So, just to be sure, I took a home pregnancy test. Sure enough I was getting a faint positive. I called the doctor and told her what was going on and she had me go get some blood work done. The blood work did confirm that I was indeed pregnant. Oh Lord, help me. Just thinking about it makes me break out in tears. This was the most horrible time in my life. I couldn't believe what I had gotten myself into. I couldn't even blame Ron, because I made the choice. I remembered, that we were together right before I found out about his cheating. I cried, and cried. What was I going to do and how could I possibly be pregnant? I asked the doctor about this, and she said that you are most fertile after a miscarriage. WHAT?

So, I decided to start this blog. I started it because I had so much anger and bitterness towards myself and Ron. How could someone be so mean and hate full and so selfish? How could I be so irresponsible? I thought it would help....little did I know how much it would help and what road I would be going down.

I have said all of that to say... that this baby is a miracle. God knew before I conceived this baby what its future was. He knew what choices I would make, and so he set up a plan for the baby, a plan that not I nor anyone else could have guessed or planned. The miracle for me is that I really didn't think it was possible for me to get pregnant after one night of irrational behavior. One night that seemed harmless. One night that for me set a darkness over my way of thinking, now God has brought light upon. Isn't that amazing? Its wonderful how God can make such a hopeless situation good. He truly is amazing.

How did I start down the adoption road? That question has a very ironic answer. The answer is Ron. I called him when I found out I was pregnant. On my first call to him about this subject he did not believe me and wanted me to go to HIS doctor and get a pregnancy test. LOL That never happened. On the second call to him about this, he suggested to me that I should get an abortion. I told him I didn't believe in abortion, then he said "Well, there is always adoption." I thought he was crazy. But after we hung up, I began to think about it more and more. After a while, it just seemed like the best choice, and when I decided to do it I felt so at peace about it and I felt like a weight was lifted off my chest. I was literally so excited about it that I noticed my depression lifting. This was my answer. That's where it began.

So, tonight is extra exciting for me because R and B have made there first post in R's blog about me and the baby. This is a HUGE step for all involved because it means that they feel comfortable about the situation. I cant tell you how I really thought they wouldn't pick me. I need them, they don't know how much I need them but I do. I need them to have my baby because I just cant keep it.

So the count down begins. This Thursday will be the big ultrasound. I am not only anxious to find out the sex of the baby but to make sure everything is as it should be. I pray for a healthy little baby heart, who cares if its a boy or girl....just healthy.

Feeling so good!!

I think that today is honestly the first day in the past nineteen weeks that I have actually felt good. I have so much energy, I feel like I am back to my old self. That's how I usually am, busy all the time even if I am home. I like TV but I cant stand sitting in front of it all the time. I can hardly (usually) sit for an hour without getting up at least five times. I am just a busy body. So for me, the past nineteen weeks has been very very depressing.

Well its Friday, so tonight the kids stay up for movies. I don't particularly like stay up nights because I usually have one or two kids that don't mind the rules of quiet time and I usually woken up around midnight and I have to get the mean mommy pants out and put them to bed. You would think they would learn. Victoria is usually making ten cups of hot tea (she is addicted), which means to much sugar for her, Matthew is usually flipping over the couch or looking for more and more snacks. My kids are not allowed to just get food out of the fridge. They have to ask for snacks, and I do that because otherwise I would have really really overweight kids and no food in the kitchen. I have learned my lesson.

As far as the adoption goes. Me and R and B are still communicating through email. I am really enjoying it. We find more and more in common every day. I did send in all the paperwork required. I don't know what the next step is. I know R and B have an appointment with the worker next week so after that we will see. And of course, the very anticipated 20 week ultrasound. I am so excited. My kids found out about it by hearing me on the phone and a few want to go. I am not sure about this. Ill talk about this in the next paragraph.

I tend to not focus attention or talk about the baby very much. I don't know if this is right or not. I know I cant hide it from them because they already know, but I guess I am trying to protect them from more emotional pain. In my mind I think that if they are not to attached then it wont hurt them so much. This is probably backwards and wrong but that is just what I am doing. Ill need to talk to the girls counselor about that and see if I should change my thinking. Does any of that reasoning make sense? Of course Ive never done this before so its all new to me.

Anyway, man vs wild is on tonight so I am excited. I believe it is a new episode. I think I will get these six loads of laundry folded before it comes on. (sigh)

Oh, here is a picture of Chelsea before school yesterday. OK here is the scoop with her. She is only twelve years old, but her body looks like a sixteen year old. She wants to grow up so fast. Its frustrating. Anyway, I had to take makeup away from her because she was putting it on to heavy and I just didn't think it was appropriate for a twelve year old. So for Christmas she got some "bare minerals" from Grandma. For those who don't know, it is a powder foundation. Anyway, its to dark. My daughter is generally a very white girl like her mom, but with the foundation on, she is tan. Oh my, and I don't have the heart to tell her its to dark. Also, she has MAJOR curly hair but when she was with Grandma (in another state mind you) she had it permanently straightened. So some days it looks OK and then there are days like in the picture. I love my daughter, but she is really in an awkward stage.

Differences!!

I have been reading a few birth moms blogs and I have noticed some things while reading them. I have noticed that these ladies are still very sad (not all of them that I read just a few of them). I noticed that these sweet ladies are still deeply emotional and deeply hurt by there choice to give up there baby. Even years later after they have had children that they have kept they still grieve over the loss of there baby. One big thing that stood out for me was that at some point they had an open adoption, but the adoptive parents decided to sort of close it and request no more calls. I have seen this happen in more then one situation. It makes me wonder what kind of relationship that the birth mom was able to have with the adoptive mom and dad?

I know that I am the same as these ladies in that we are both going to be "birth moms" but I don't feel the same. I can completely understand how much more painful it would be if this was my first child. I don't think I could bare that. I have HUGE respect for ladies that are able to give there first babies up for adoption. And I can understand the pain that they go through even twenty years later. That would be my Chelsea. (ugggg) But as painful as I know this will be, it is different for me. I have already experienced all the wonderful "firsts" that come with having babies. My feelings are much different I think then people would expect. In fact, people have said to me "I don't know how you are going to give your child up." I just don't see it that way. I have chosen parents for my baby that are so amazing that they wish to include me in there life. Now, here are my thoughts on that...new paragraph.

I do not wish to medal in there lives. I want them to have there privacy and I will not be interfering in that. However, I want to know that we will always be friends and that one day if I chose to pick up the phone or if they chose to pick up the phone and call each other, then it will be as if I was calling a girlfriend or my sister in law and we can chat comfortably without any threat. I pray that during these next few months our relationship grows strong and healthy. I hope that they know that since I trust them enough to have my baby, then I trust them with everything, and so I would just want to share in the joy they have as new parents.

I am sad that other birth moms can not have this relationship with the adoptive moms. I think it would ease there pain. Do the adoptive parents feel threatened, or are they scared? I wish I knew. Regardless, I am excited to see what God is doing. I am so thankful for where he has brought me and I LOVE R and B. They are amazing.

18 weeks and 3 days!!

I have no idea but I am watching a show about a colossal squid. LOL Weird Hugh.

American Idol was pretty good tonight, but I really liked "17 kids and counting."

So I'm almost nineteen weeks today. I am defiantly feeling better but I feel like I am showing very soon this pregnancy. Its not that other people can tell, but I just can tell. I have really big boobs, (sorry TMI) so it hides my belly better then it would most people.

I can feel the baby move here and there but not like I would like to to keep me from worrying. I know in just a few short weeks and I will feel the baby all the time.

This week has been pretty uneventful. I have so much to do around the house. This Friday is my big grocery day. More and more I am going to have to depend on the kids to help me with the heavy work. I'm so glad that Chelsea has taken to doing the laundry because my laundry facilities are upstairs. So this means dragging all the heavy laundry up one and a half flights of stairs several times. I do about nine to ten loads of laundry a week so this is a lot of work. She doesn't mind doing it and so I have been letting her and in return I will do some of her house chores.

I can tell that physically this pregnancy is going to be hard for me. Defiantly a challenge. I will get through it just like all the other pregnancies.

I'm so tired, and I think I'm going to go lay down and enjoy the squid show. :)

Im so frusterated!!

Ive sat down twice today in my free time to somehow try and find some blogs or something from other birth moms. I thought it would be wonderful (thanks R for the suggestion) to hook up with some ladies that are going through the same thing I am. What I found was very negative stuff. I found a few birth mom web rings (whatever that is) and it would take me to a line of different journals or blogs but they were all so negative. They were basically horror stories of people that gave there baby up for adoption. One lady never even got to see or hold her baby. They just whisked them off out of the room and she never met the baby again. Most ladies have HUGE regrets, but these are people who are NOTHING like me. I don't want to look anymore because Its really a downer and frustrating.

They talk a lot about how adoption agencies are in it just for the money and the babies go to the highest bidder. MY ADOPTION is not going to be like that. I trust the agency that B and R have chosen, and I know that they are not doing it for the money. They truly want to build families. I feel bad for the ladies that I read about. I feel like they were forced into a decision that they didn't really believe in and they were not well informed. So so sad, so yes there are horror stories out there, but mine wont be one of them.

Here is what I know. I have four wonderful children. I have been so blessed with four healthy kids who are still very young and I understand that I have a lot of years ahead of me with them. I know that I am on welfare. I receive food stamps and we are on Medicaid. I do hold a job but did not finish college and so I have no job skills except that I can type really fast. I know I don't want to be on welfare forever. I know that if I keep this baby, the prospect of me going to school or getting another job really would be unreachable. I realize that I didn't have any of my kids to be a single mom. I conceived all of them in wedlock (well except the very very first one at nineteen, oh and I guess the one in my belly...oops). But the point is, I didn't plan to do this alone but this is what I am doing. A person has got to know there limits. How much attention can I possibly give five kids on my own? I have trouble giving my attention to the four I have. Someone is always needing something from me and someone is always in line behind them. How unfair to the kids I have now and certainly for the baby in my belly to even consider keeping this baby.

I have no problem with adoption. I am seriously thinking lately about why this is so easy for me. Is it because I am just very very sure of myself, or because I'm not really letting myself feel those really big feelings I need to feel? I'm not sure but I have been thinking a lot about that. (I'm pretty sure the baby just moved :) I really want to prepare for the emotions I am going to feel, and I dint want there to be any surprises. Right now I am just excited, because it is exciting....but at the same time, what happens when the excitement is gone and R and B go home with there baby, and the excitement is gone. I need to prepare for that, and reading all these negative blogs isn't going to help. LOL HELP!!!!!! I'm done surfing. :)

On another note, I had my pregnancy verification faxed over to the agency today. YIPPEEE!!

I wasn't going to blog today, but thought that these thoughts were important to share.

Fireproof

I finally sat down this evening and watched the Kirk Cameron movie "Fireproof." What an amazing movie. I was so honored to watch it. It brought up a whole lot of memories for me though. I was married to my first husband for six years. We had three children together, but I was never his priority. I could go on and on about the things that happened, but beyond being unfaithful to me, he took me down so low that I just couldn't get up. After six years of it I left him. He worked for an airline and so we could fly any ware we wanted for ten dollars. I took my three very young children, a car seat and stroller, a box full of clothes and flew to Colorado while my husband was at work. He didn't even know I was gone until he came home that morning. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do because I loved him. He was my first love. I gave him parts of me that I could never give any other man and so to let go of that was so hard.

After watching that movie, it makes me wonder where my life would be right now if I had stayed with him. I was loosing more of myself each day when I was with him. My children were being effected, but where would they be, and where would I be if I had stayed? There is no way to know. They have suffered so much from it all. I can tell that they really lack many things emotionally because they have not had a father figure. (they see him for about a month of the summer but that is it) I blame myself. If only I was stronger, If only I would have prayed more. When we were still together I would go to church as often as I could and literally weep and sob and beg God to save my marriage. I did that for about a year. But still, it turned out this way.

After watching that movie, I longed to be in her shoes....to have my husband fight for me. To have my husband want me back like that. Amazing!!! I know my kids blame me some for not being with there dad. They don't know everything. I couldn't possibly tell them everything, but me and there dad have been open with them about his affair. Still, my oldest holds a LOT of anger towards me. Sometimes I just want to curl in a ball and cry, and sometimes I do. But I have to remember that I have to move on. Life does go on. Ive been divorced from him since 2001. Its been awhile but I still think about it often. I don't think you ever stop loving your first love.

I wish things were different.