Fireproof

I finally sat down this evening and watched the Kirk Cameron movie "Fireproof." What an amazing movie. I was so honored to watch it. It brought up a whole lot of memories for me though. I was married to my first husband for six years. We had three children together, but I was never his priority. I could go on and on about the things that happened, but beyond being unfaithful to me, he took me down so low that I just couldn't get up. After six years of it I left him. He worked for an airline and so we could fly any ware we wanted for ten dollars. I took my three very young children, a car seat and stroller, a box full of clothes and flew to Colorado while my husband was at work. He didn't even know I was gone until he came home that morning. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do because I loved him. He was my first love. I gave him parts of me that I could never give any other man and so to let go of that was so hard.

After watching that movie, it makes me wonder where my life would be right now if I had stayed with him. I was loosing more of myself each day when I was with him. My children were being effected, but where would they be, and where would I be if I had stayed? There is no way to know. They have suffered so much from it all. I can tell that they really lack many things emotionally because they have not had a father figure. (they see him for about a month of the summer but that is it) I blame myself. If only I was stronger, If only I would have prayed more. When we were still together I would go to church as often as I could and literally weep and sob and beg God to save my marriage. I did that for about a year. But still, it turned out this way.

After watching that movie, I longed to be in her shoes....to have my husband fight for me. To have my husband want me back like that. Amazing!!! I know my kids blame me some for not being with there dad. They don't know everything. I couldn't possibly tell them everything, but me and there dad have been open with them about his affair. Still, my oldest holds a LOT of anger towards me. Sometimes I just want to curl in a ball and cry, and sometimes I do. But I have to remember that I have to move on. Life does go on. Ive been divorced from him since 2001. Its been awhile but I still think about it often. I don't think you ever stop loving your first love.

I wish things were different.