Monday, February 2, 2009

Im so frusterated!!

Ive sat down twice today in my free time to somehow try and find some blogs or something from other birth moms. I thought it would be wonderful (thanks R for the suggestion) to hook up with some ladies that are going through the same thing I am. What I found was very negative stuff. I found a few birth mom web rings (whatever that is) and it would take me to a line of different journals or blogs but they were all so negative. They were basically horror stories of people that gave there baby up for adoption. One lady never even got to see or hold her baby. They just whisked them off out of the room and she never met the baby again. Most ladies have HUGE regrets, but these are people who are NOTHING like me. I don't want to look anymore because Its really a downer and frustrating.

They talk a lot about how adoption agencies are in it just for the money and the babies go to the highest bidder. MY ADOPTION is not going to be like that. I trust the agency that B and R have chosen, and I know that they are not doing it for the money. They truly want to build families. I feel bad for the ladies that I read about. I feel like they were forced into a decision that they didn't really believe in and they were not well informed. So so sad, so yes there are horror stories out there, but mine wont be one of them.

Here is what I know. I have four wonderful children. I have been so blessed with four healthy kids who are still very young and I understand that I have a lot of years ahead of me with them. I know that I am on welfare. I receive food stamps and we are on Medicaid. I do hold a job but did not finish college and so I have no job skills except that I can type really fast. I know I don't want to be on welfare forever. I know that if I keep this baby, the prospect of me going to school or getting another job really would be unreachable. I realize that I didn't have any of my kids to be a single mom. I conceived all of them in wedlock (well except the very very first one at nineteen, oh and I guess the one in my belly...oops). But the point is, I didn't plan to do this alone but this is what I am doing. A person has got to know there limits. How much attention can I possibly give five kids on my own? I have trouble giving my attention to the four I have. Someone is always needing something from me and someone is always in line behind them. How unfair to the kids I have now and certainly for the baby in my belly to even consider keeping this baby.

I have no problem with adoption. I am seriously thinking lately about why this is so easy for me. Is it because I am just very very sure of myself, or because I'm not really letting myself feel those really big feelings I need to feel? I'm not sure but I have been thinking a lot about that. (I'm pretty sure the baby just moved :) I really want to prepare for the emotions I am going to feel, and I dint want there to be any surprises. Right now I am just excited, because it is exciting....but at the same time, what happens when the excitement is gone and R and B go home with there baby, and the excitement is gone. I need to prepare for that, and reading all these negative blogs isn't going to help. LOL HELP!!!!!! I'm done surfing. :)

On another note, I had my pregnancy verification faxed over to the agency today. YIPPEEE!!

I wasn't going to blog today, but thought that these thoughts were important to share.


Birth Mom of Adoption said...

Hey, thanks for the comment on my blog...and of course, I've kinda become the a little birth mom guru! haha

And I love adoption! No more horror stories, I agree. Some things were good, some things I would change. I always say, "well next time I give my baby up for adoption I will know the ropes, I guess" lol
I bonded totally with my girl for 30 days and then it is hard to let go that day, but you know if it's right or not. is in the works...and I started a local prayer/share time w/ b moms. I lived in the dorms too, that was crazzzy!

Anonymous said...

That is exactly why YOU are one of a kind. I tried to do some research for you, but found much of the same...(It actually freaked me out!) Your story/blog needs to be shouted from the rooftops because you are extraordinary.

The funny thing is that sometimes I feel alone on my side because I don't relate to all the emotions that other adopting couples are going through (the tremendous urge to birth my own baby, etc).

I don't know what God has planned for us (as in all 4 of us), but I know that he is moving...Our story - both sides - must be told.

Love you,

mak'n Changes said...

So proud of you as always!!!!

Kriss said...

I'm proud of you too. -kriss