When I started this blog, I vowed to myself that I would be open and honest even if it meant showing all the icky stuff about myself, and in showing the icky stuff about myself, hopefully finding healing and strength through it.
So tonight, I decided to post about Ron. Who is Ron? Well, he is the bio dad of the sweet baby heart in my belly. The true reason I want to post about Ron is because I think it will show how much of a miracle this baby truly is. So, here goes.
I met Ron last year in the parking lot of my apartment complex. He worked for a tow company and was hired by my apartments to tow away cars that were parked illegally or who's tags were expired. Anyway, it was the 4th of July (I'm pretty sure) and I had just got back from a wonderful fire works show and was getting out of the car when he pulled up and we started talking. I had seen him before and had spoke to him briefly before so it wasn't a complete stranger. On this night, he asked for my number. I was completely speechless, but managed to give it to him. Well of course from there we started talking more and more and then seeing each other. There is so much more but I don't want to go into that.
Needless to say, our relationship went to far and I ended up getting pregnant. I didn't want another baby. I already had four kids. I was raising them alone, and it was already quite challenging, but I thought that if he was as sweet and wonderful as he seemed to be then we could do it together. We planned to get married and even picked out rings. Things seemed to be going smoothly until......I had a miscarriage. I was six weeks pregnant. Now, this is very very strange for me. I have always had regular periods and have never lost a baby. This was in August, early September of last year. I just thought it was so bizzar for my body to fail me like that, but at the same time I was so relieved. I had many red flags about Ron but I just wasn't willing to recognize them. So, the miscarriage went as I guess it should and time went on. Around the start of October I was made aware that Ron was (putting it politely) not being faithful to me. Through a series of very dramatic events, I threw him out of my life. Now, I still had not had a period since the miscarriage and so I waited for it to come and it never did. I began to get a little worried that something else was going on. After all, I never miss a period unless I am pregnant. But I thought "I cant be pregnant because I didn't have a period. DEAR GOD please help me not to be pregnant. You got me out of this mess once, please not again." This was my cry to God. So, just to be sure, I took a home pregnancy test. Sure enough I was getting a faint positive. I called the doctor and told her what was going on and she had me go get some blood work done. The blood work did confirm that I was indeed pregnant. Oh Lord, help me. Just thinking about it makes me break out in tears. This was the most horrible time in my life. I couldn't believe what I had gotten myself into. I couldn't even blame Ron, because I made the choice. I remembered, that we were together right before I found out about his cheating. I cried, and cried. What was I going to do and how could I possibly be pregnant? I asked the doctor about this, and she said that you are most fertile after a miscarriage. WHAT?
So, I decided to start this blog. I started it because I had so much anger and bitterness towards myself and Ron. How could someone be so mean and hate full and so selfish? How could I be so irresponsible? I thought it would help....little did I know how much it would help and what road I would be going down.
I have said all of that to say... that this baby is a miracle. God knew before I conceived this baby what its future was. He knew what choices I would make, and so he set up a plan for the baby, a plan that not I nor anyone else could have guessed or planned. The miracle for me is that I really didn't think it was possible for me to get pregnant after one night of irrational behavior. One night that seemed harmless. One night that for me set a darkness over my way of thinking, now God has brought light upon. Isn't that amazing? Its wonderful how God can make such a hopeless situation good. He truly is amazing.
How did I start down the adoption road? That question has a very ironic answer. The answer is Ron. I called him when I found out I was pregnant. On my first call to him about this subject he did not believe me and wanted me to go to HIS doctor and get a pregnancy test. LOL That never happened. On the second call to him about this, he suggested to me that I should get an abortion. I told him I didn't believe in abortion, then he said "Well, there is always adoption." I thought he was crazy. But after we hung up, I began to think about it more and more. After a while, it just seemed like the best choice, and when I decided to do it I felt so at peace about it and I felt like a weight was lifted off my chest. I was literally so excited about it that I noticed my depression lifting. This was my answer. That's where it began.
So, tonight is extra exciting for me because R and B have made there first post in R's blog about me and the baby. This is a HUGE step for all involved because it means that they feel comfortable about the situation. I cant tell you how I really thought they wouldn't pick me. I need them, they don't know how much I need them but I do. I need them to have my baby because I just cant keep it.
So the count down begins. This Thursday will be the big ultrasound. I am not only anxious to find out the sex of the baby but to make sure everything is as it should be. I pray for a healthy little baby heart, who cares if its a boy or girl....just healthy.