Thursday, July 2, 2009

Good bye day!!

I have dreaded this day. I knew it was coming though so I tried my hardest to prepare for it. I could hardly hold myself together when they walked through my door. Its so bitter sweet. I had to give away my baby, that might not be the "phrasing" people would think appropriate to use, but I GAVE away my baby. Thank GOD he has wonderful parents, and I am certain he will have a wonderful life.....but I cant explain how it tears my heart in two.

I am learning to live with my decisions every day. Today I thought I was stronger but the tears still flowed, I could hardly choke them back all morning.

When they came to my door me and Rebekah gave each other a hug and just cried on each others shoulders. She understands my pain. Ben was in the background just giving us time. Ben knew how hard it was for me. Its a weird thing....for me its one of the hardest days of my life...and for them...the happiest. Bitter sweet!!!

Ty was just so precious. I touched his feet, and kissed his head. I felt his hair for the last time and just was able to smell him and feel how warm he was. What a gift. I am blessed with five healthy children....four with me....one in another couples arms...but better off for it. I sit here with tears in my eyes....but I look forward to better days....better decisions. That's all I can do.

Here are some picture from today.



24 comments:

Darcy said...

Just know. You are loved. Praying.

Paulette said...

My continued prayers for you as you transition into this next part of the journey. You are a courageous, selfless Mama who is doing all she can within her power for her children. Lean on God to help you through this time. You are amazing, simply amazing!

Chelle said...

I can only imagine how hard today must have been. You are very much in my thoughts and heart today.

hsdiva said...

I don't even know how I stumbled on to your blog today, but I just read the entire thing from beginning to end. As a woman who struggled with infertility for four years before finally being blessed with children, I have to tell you that you have done the most amazing thing a human being can do for another in this world. For you to hand your son over to Rebekah and Ben to raise as their own is the ultimate gift that one can give. Infertility leaves a gaping hole in the hearts and lives of the couple struggling with it, and you have just filled that hole with the blessing of a beautiful, healthy baby boy. As much as I know your heart must be hurting, I can only pray that you know what an amazingly beautiful thing you have done for your son and for Rebekah and Ben, as well as your four older children.

May your heart heal, and may you, Rebekah and Ben continue to remain close as you share in the joy of little Ty's life.

Kathy Lang said...

Love the pictures of good bye day! I can only imagine how difficult this day is for you, and I will pray for God to fill your heart with peace. Even though you may not get to see Ty in person on a regular basis, B & R seem to be the type of adoptive parents that will regularly send you photos of Ty and keep the lines of communication open. Knowing how well Ty is doing, and that is thriving, will reinforce the fact that you have made a wonderful choice to have B & R raise him.

LL said...

we are about ready to leave for the airport but i wanted to take time to stop and say you are in my prayers. You know that you are not saying goodbye to you son forever just for now. Hugs!

mak'n Changes said...

Gosh! How do you say good bye to your baby! Completely unthinkable yet amazing. I hope you are able to fill your days with projects and business to keep your mind busy. Sorry your heart has to ache like it does. You are amazing! I also wanted to say how amazing you look in these pictures! Becky you are gorgeous!
Cindie

cc said...

Rebekah,

I know this is a hard bittersweet day for you.
I just want you to know, you are in my prayers.

Hugs,
CeCe

~Katie said...

I love you Rebekah. I know that sounds weird, but I DO! Let yourself feel the pain for as long as you to. Then let yourself feel happiness and pride, for you have given Ben and Rebekah the absolute greatest gift of all and for that, you will be sweetly repaid. I am lifting you in prayer today and more days to come as you continue to heal. ((HUGS))

Kelly said...

My prayers are with you. That has to be the hardest thing for anyone to do.
I applaud you for such courage in letting your son go, to have a 'better' life.
God bless!

Amy Louise said...

Yes, you "GAVE" your baby away. You "GAVE" him to a couple who will never get to experience this miracle any other way. You "GAVE' him life. You "GAVE" him genetics. You "GAVE" all you could give so that he could have the best life possible. It is better to give than to receive. God bless you for all you have given. Call on God remember God "Gave us his Son so that we might have eternal life."

Scrapwithsabrina said...

I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. Remember why you made this dreaded decision, remember that you are giving baby Ty a better life, also remember you are giving Skylar and your other children a better life by having more of your support, financial, physical, and emotional. YOU CHOSE LIFE for all of your children and for that you need to be honored! You are giving them all the best life YOU CAN! Please know there are many of us praying and here for you in the very rough time. I imagine that this pain will always be with you but will ease over time. I am so sorry for your pain and I will pray for some peace for you.

Michelle said...

i'm sorry your pain is so raw today. i can only imagine what it felt like for them to leave.

something i've noticed in your posts is that you seem to equate tears with weakness. sometimes crying is a sign of strength... it's saying, "i'm strong enough to realize that i need to grieve, that it's okay to let my guard down and feel these emotions, that i'm human and this is an incredibly painful experience." i think you're very strong and the fact that you're somewhat functioning proves that.

praying for you...

- michelle

Amber, That's Me! said...

Love the picture of him looking up at you. He is one lucky boy to be loved so much by so many.

Will keep you in our prayers.

jess said...

You are beautiful. Prayer for your heart to heal.

Kriss said...

Thinking of you! I know today was hard but I think it will get easier. Also, think of how blessed you are, how many birth moms have the adoptive parents bring the baby to their house to say goodbye. Amazing and such a blessing. Can't believe they get to go home on my birthday. Weird! You are the strongest person I know. I have some comments about the food because Britney was that way when I got her. I will write tomorrow. -kriss :)

Sara said...

Rebekah, I found your blog a couple of days ago and have been delicatly chewing on every word. You remind me so much of myself. I am also a birthmom only my bd is soon to be 20, a single mom who went on to give birth to 2 more children and welcome a 3rd into my family through adoption. My bd's mother is now my very best friend. God worked that out, we did not. It is amazing what God will do when you leave your heart open, walk in His grace and expect His miracles every day. While your love your Ty will never ever go away, Your days will get better, your heart will mend and i feel certain you will live the life God has called you to! You have allowed HIM, your creator, Ty's creator, Ben and Rebecca's creator to use you as a vessel to build a beautiful family. You are a servant of Christ and there is NOTHING more beautiful than that -except for Christ himself. Thank you for being HIS arms, his feet, His hands! I am praying for you! I read a book recently which changed my life and helped me to understand the redeeming love of God. It is called "redeeming love" by Francine Rivers. I would love to send you my copy. Feel free to drop me an email if you would like it. I am praying for you!

Michelle said...

I can't imagine how your heart feels, will continue to pray. God will bless you for being so faithful to Him.

Midwest Mom said...

Rebekah..I have been thinking about you guys all day. I hope that once your heart starts to feel better you will realize the awesome and SELFLESS gift you have given R and B, and baby Ty for that matter.

We have been through all kinds of fertility (injectibles and IVF) measures and had success but I can still understand R's pain...AND I have children and cannot imagine what you are going through- I just KNOW its a priceless gift but so, so difficult.

I believe all kinds of doors will open for you as you begin this next chapter but my heart still hurts for your pain. Here's to brighter days and hope and healing for you.

Big giant hugs from here in Chicago :) Thinking and praying for you!

Lerin said...

You said: "I had to give away my baby, that might not be the "phrasing" people would think appropriate to use, but I GAVE away my baby."

I say, NO one is allowed to tell you what to say or how to say it. You don't have to be PC about what you are feeling, okay?

You still have my prayers. Remember, crying is NOT a sign of weakness. Some things in life ARE worth crying about, and if you hold it in, it will eat you alive! Let those tears flow and get it out!

Alyson said...

I saw her profile, not too long ago......I had no clue that she was the mom adopting your little boy.....

He's SOOOOOOO beautiful and so is his family......

You did such an amazing thing!!! You are stronger than any woman I know :0)

Glenna Marshall said...

I am a follower of Rebekah's blog, and somehow your blog showed up in my google reader as suggested blogs to read. :)

I can't imagine how hard this must be for you; I am on the other side of the story as an adoptive mom who has walked in Rebekah's shoes. I grieve still for my son's birthmom (with whom we still have contact and saw recently) and I cannot imagine how hard our goodbye day was for her; I will never forget that my son's life began 9 months prior with his first mom. I know that Rebekah will also feel that way. Thanks for posting and for your sweet transparency. Your son is absolutely beautiful!

Annie said...

I just found you today, what a story. What a gift.

Hugs

Anonymous said...

Im just curious how your family felt and dealt with the adoption...were they supportive??

Also...how did your kids cope with the idea and the adoption? Especially the older daughter.....???? She seems very close to get little brother so wondering if she was upset about you giving Ty away?