Friday, July 17, 2009

Writers block and scattered thoughts!

I hardly know where to begin sometimes. I have a lot of thoughts that go through my head, but I don't know how to put them into words which makes for a very scattered post.

Physically, I'm doing much better. The doctor is slowly taking my blood pressure medication down and hopefully I will soon be off of it. I am not pumping anymore which was weird in itself. When your milk supply goes away its almost like grieving again over the loss. Its not normal for me to not be nursing. On One hand I couldn't imagine nursing a baby and keeping up with Skyler, but on the other can be sad. Although this may be to much information but I must add that I am still bleeding. The relevance of that information is that it is just a constant reminder of what I just went through.

Mentally I find that I do really well when I am busy busy busy...but then when I have alone time I tend to get really uneasy and don't know what to do with myself. I don't really have free time with Skyler running around all the time, but compared to my life with three kids added in...I'm pretty bored most of the time, and for me that leads to a bit of depression. I am doing my best to stay focused on my goals, and make use of my time. Idol time is not a good thing to have to much of.

Today was a wonderful day. I have to say that the best part of the day was checking the mail and finding a package from Rebekah. It contained a CD with some sweet pictures, a precious card (priceless) and a beautiful piece of paper with little Tyrus' hand prints on it. I just stopped and stared at his teeny tiny little hands. I didn't remember them being so small and I traced them with my finger and thanked God for him and for his very thoughtful momma for sending me such a wonderful gift.

Skyler had a great time today to. We went to visit an old friend. I actually used to watch their little girl for them (she is in the picture with Sky). I had not seen them since I was just a couple months pregnant so it was nice to catch up.

I am looking for a job. I have about eight applications out. I will start looking more furiously when I can get Skyler into daycare which will be (hopefully) within the next two weeks. I am trusting God for finances. I have enough money to last me MAYBE two months. I don't know what I will do when it runs out and if it wasn't for selling my car I wouldn't even have that. As it is I have to dig into the chunk of money I have to pay for school supplies and that may not seem like much but when you have to buy them for three kids its usually a bit over a hundred dollars. Can you believe that? Crazy!!!! I am leaning on the Lord as my provider...I know he will provide me a job at the right time and he will take care of us. I don't see how it will all work out, but I guess that's what faith is for.

Skyler had his doctors appointment today. He is a perfectly healthy and LARGE little three year old. I voiced all my concerns to her. She is not one big concerned with his eating or his delayed speech. He is speaking in three word sentences and the foods he is eating is providing him enough nutrition with his multivitamin included. He shows no signs of autism and is properly growing. My momma heart has been put at ease.

So, to finish up this long drawn out post, things are going good. Even though I seem to live in limbo most of the time, I know these things will work themselves out. I am in good spirits and I am very thankful for my blessed life. I don't have a lot of money, and I don't have a lot of expensive things, but I don't need them to be happy. Life is certainly what you make of it.

Next.......weight loss, I have over 100 pounds to loose and it is on my mind constantly on how I will tackle it. But that is for another post.....:)


Sara said...

I am so proud of you Rebekah! You are on your way. You are recognizing emotions for what they are and you are dealing with them. You are doing an AWESOME job! Seriously keep it up! The Lord will honor your faith! HE WILL and His timing is not a second too late! When do your kids start school? You are in my prayers!

Prayers and Blessings to you my friend!

Rebekah said...

Love you so much! The new layout is beautiful and your collage at the top AMAZING!!!!

I'm glad you're finding your rhythm...I'm sorry for the pain...I wish I could take it all away and instantly make it better...The only way I know how to do that is to give everything I have to include you as much as I can...and let you know just how very much we care!

We are PRAYING for you and God's best...that in his perfect timing everything will come together in an extraordinary way.

mak'n Changes said...

Well its almost 2:30am and my crazy dog woke me up to take him potty so I figured since I'm wide awake now, I'd check out your blog. I love that collage on top! What an excellent sum up of your life and posts, its really beautiful.
This post had me captivated from beginning to end! I don't know why you thought it was so scattered? It was a good read. It breaks my heart that you are going thru such hard times, You deserve everything that is good and lovely and I will be praying that u get it. Take care of your amazing self little lady, I love you!

Laurie said...

Love your new header! What a surprise to pull that up and it put a smile on my face! So glad to read your honest words as I know putting them out there will help you as you heal physically and emotionally.

Jessi said...

I am proud of you too and I don't even know you.

I think of you a lot. And God will provide for you. You did an amazing selfless act, you will be provided for.

Rebekah sounds so sweet and thoughtful. What a sweet package she sent!

LL said...

LOVE the new header!

You continue to be in my prayers.

Best wishes on the job hunt. God will provide!

All My Monkeys said...

Love love love the new header. How did you do that? I want one!

I may have already commented on this, but I think your "new" haircut is awesome. Really looks great on you. In some pics it looks curly. Do you curl for that or straighten for the others? I love it straight. Perfect for your face shape.

I'm with you on the weight loss. I'm South Beach-ing, and it's going fairly well, but slow. So we can commiserate (about self control lol) together if you want. :D

I will continue to pray for you and your recovery - both phys and emotional. You've had a tough road, though you're doing amazingly well (though it never feels like it, does it?). It's great to see you putting your faith to the test, while allowing things to happen in a natural way (grieving). Inspiring!

Anonymous said...

Your collage is very nice. For school supplies you might try looking on a site called

DebbiedoO said...

Like the blog makeover!!!! While it's really not my business, how are you getting around with your children if you sold your car? That seems like it would be difficult, ESPECIALLY now that you're looking for employment outside of your home! I wish you the best, I really do.

I know Walmart has all their school supplies out right now, I'd be willing to pick up some items and send them to you for the kids if you were to post a list of the things they need! We don't have a lot of extra either, but we'd be happy to help a little. Let us blog-stranger-friends-people know!!!!!!

Rebekah said...

I guess I forgot your question in my next post. Sorry about that. I sold my car but I still have my jeep. I would love to email you outside this blog but I cant find a blog or email address for you. Email me if you could at Thanks so much!!!

Anonymous said...

As for school supplies wal mart has places where people donate school supplies ask them how u can get them. As a teacher I know supplies can add up even with the amazing sales. Walgreens has some great sales right now. Target had 4 spirals for 60 cents. I don't want to see anyone suffer because of supplies. I have kids show up on the first day with nothing in their hands. I don't understand when people donate all the time. Don't be ashamed to ask. I wish more parents would.

Anonymous said...

I had a question. I was looking at your profile and it says that you are a Mom of 4 and was pregnant with your 6th. What happened with baby #5, I am assuming miscarriage? Sorry I am just curious.
I love your blog and you new layout is really nice!