Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Getting nervous!!

My older three kids come home in nine days. I have had such an eventful summer (to say the least) and now its time to get back to what I do best....single mommy hood. I am so nervous. I cant even begin to explain to you how scared I get when its time for the kids to come home. I remember when they were this little....

Chelsea with her curly hair and really big smiles....

Victoria with her porcelain doll face and her...ummmm....rare smiles. She didn't smile much at all and it took a lot to make her laugh. She was a very serious baby.

As you can see here...smiles were rare.

They were little. I remember thinking "I cant wait till they can feed and clothe and bathe themselves. Life will be easy when they can do those things by themselves."

They were giddy and happy and cute and cuddly.

And I remember all there first smiles.

But I was wrong. It didn't get easier. Now I find myself thinking "If they could just be little again." I would gladly change diapers and put all three little pumpkins in the bath at the same time, and chase them around the house...TRYING to get them to stay in bed. I would gladly go back to those days...because these days are harder. Now I find myself praying and asking for wisdom for situations that I have NO idea how to handle.
My thirteen year old is boy crazy and wants to french kiss all the boys she "goes out" with despite my warning to her that boyfriends are not allowed.
My eleven year old struggles with depression and I THINK I have got her past the point of cutting herself. The scars on her arms will be there forever, I cant erase them for her.
My nine year old struggles to fit in because of his lack of self control and constant need to move move move.
My three year old clearly has the "baby of the family" syndrome and I am unsure how to break a lot of his bad habits.
ALL the children are in desperate need of a father that actually takes part in their lives. I am not trying to focus on the negative...I could make you a list a mile long of all the wonderful things about them...but the thing is in nine days it all starts over. They will be home and these are things I have to face on a daily basis. Its an hourly struggle to decide what and what not to do for them or how or how not to handle a situation.

So I have nine days. Nine days to prep myself for the battles ahead...hopefully we will come out in the end triumphant and I can look back and say "we did good." But for today, I am brought to tears just thinking about the days ahead.

I have to say this in ending.....I am so richly blessed to have all of my kids. I am brought to my knees with emotion to know that God has entrusted me with these precious little lives, and I take my job as there mother very serious. Maybe I am so nervous about it all because I do take it so seriously. I don't want to screw it up for them. I am leaning on God for it all. He is my rock. I would certainly sink if it were not for HIM.

A quick side note. I have been asked this many times. In my profile it talks about how I have six children. I did miscarry my fifth child at six weeks. Wow! Do I qualify as the lady from that nursery rhyme "There was an old lady who lived in a shoe, she had so many kids she didn't know what to do." LOL

Skyler will officially start day care tomorrow. I am seriously crying my eyes out. My baby is going to be cared for by someone else. Help me Jesus!!


Anonymous said...

Miss Becky!

You constantly astound me with your strength. You are an amazing person who has walked through and conquered so much, I am sure that you will have victory in this next hard time that you face. I love you dearly - I know that it has been years since we have seen each other but reading your blog has tied my heart to yours. I am in prayer for you. Much love and all the support I can muster!


Sara said...

Sweet Rebekah .... as i read your post my heart ached for you. Really seriously ached! I wish I could in someway make it easier for you. It is scarry becuase you take it so seriously, you were right about that - but take it seriously you MUST! All the same I wish I even had words to calm your fears.

What I can say is that God knows. i know it sounds cliche' I know that, but I can tell you from experience ... God knows. Rely on Him to give you wisdom and provide the right people in your kids lives to be good strong role models. He will provide them and he will give YOU the wisdom to be all they need. Point them to HIM! He IS the answer! Feel free to email me if you want to chat, or we could even IM. God is teaching me so much about single parenthood, so so much!
I will be covering you in prayer my sister in Christ! Look to Him for your strength, His word says that when we ask He will provide!

Peace and blessings,

mak'n Changes said...

I had all kinds of words written out to try and comfort you but in the end I had to erase them. My heart is so broken from hearing these words you have written. I don't know enough words to bring you comfort, all I can do is listen and pray. I love you cousin! I wish I could rescue you from it all. Jeez becky! Is there anything I can do?

Michelle said...

i have struggled with depression most of my life & fell into self-injury for a LONG time - cutting was my coping mechanism and it got ugly. cutting was just one of the things i did.

if you'd like to talk about what your daugther is going through with that, i'd be more than willing to explain what it's like from the other side of things and the things that maybe you should or should not do. just let me know. :-)

praying for you!

- michelle

Mike and Alicia said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you. God holds you tight in his arms.

Two Hands said...

I too am worried about the coming days and whether I will have the patience and wisdom to deal with things, but I have to keep reminding myself that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. You are a great mother and you have a lot of women and men out here abiding with you and praying for you. You are not alone.

LL said...

"I can do all thinks through HIM who strengthens me."Philippians 4:13

You can do it Rebekah because God is right there walking beside you and carrying you when you get weary. Hugs and prayers.

JC Hardison said...

Rely on God, Family & Friends. Even your online friends will be there for you, like ME! I'm not that far from the Springs. I'd love to come down there some weekend and spend time with you & your kids.

~Katie said...

You are so brave and strong. You are a mother every child should have. I wish we all had owners manuals on how to raise all these little angels, but since we don't just look up and ask for help. Thanks for the reminder not to wish away time. I think those thoughts of independence all the time when I am bathing and changing diapers. You continue to ROCK MY SOCKS!! :)

Midwest Mom said...

My thoughts and many prayers are with you during this next transition. I am sure the big kids are a handful but I know God will give you the grace and strength that you need to get by.

Thinking of you with a heavy heart...

Anonymous said...

You are a wonderful mom! Hang in there. God bless you and your family. Prayers from OHIO!!1

Anonymous said...


They do have a Father in their lives every single day...their heavenly Father...who loves them far more and is there for them far better than any earthly man could be.

I come from a broken home. My mom and dad seperated when I was 1 1/2, divored when I was 3. My dad married immediately a woman who abused us. Then he divorced and married a woman that was wonderful. My mom married a man that abused my older sister her whole life and we didnt know until he died. My dad and guardian was killed 2 wks before my 18th birthday in a plane crash.

My sisters and I had a mess of a life. One thing remained constant. My dad took us to church every Sunday even if we were kicking and screaming. He would also sit on each of our beds each night and read to us from the Bible (not to lecture us or use it against us but just a few sweet verses to comfort us and love on us.)

All four of my sisters and I have wonderful husbands, children, and faith in our loving Father. So tell them every day and maybe read a few verses from a Psalm to each of them on their bed.

Faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love....the love of our Savior.

Rachel said...

I can't even begin to think I have answers for you - but I will tell you something my mom always tells me...

God gave you those babies because He knew you could raise them. Stay close to Him, Beck. Trust your "instints" because a lot of times that is really the Holy Spirit giving you your answer.

Love ya!

Rebekah said...

One of my favorite verses is 2 Peter 1:3. He has given you EVERYTHING you need for LIFE and godliness. I had to remind myself of this continuously while we were waiting for our miracle baby.

I know your situation is tough...and I don't know how you do it (my hands are full with one!) but God HAS given you everything you need for life.

Keep pressing in. Keep seeking the Lord. Keep asking for his wisdom in raising them up.


Random side note: I was going through pictures I had printed of you and the kids (from months ago) and stopped at the one of Skyler on the couch (the one where he looks like a stuffed turkey!). Ty looks just like him!! And then when I was looking through your blog, today, I was taken aback at Victoria's picture! I called Ben over and said, "Look at this picture of Victoria." He said, "Oh, my gosh. That's totally Ty!" We couldn't believe the similarities. Ben finished with, "Well one thing's for sure. She makes beautiful babies!!!!"

Karen - Mommy to four sweeties said...

Praying for you.
You are a very amazing giving person.

Anonymous said...

Sky will love day care after going for a little while. It will take a little time for him to learn all the rules and find out what he can and can not do. Good luck with the job hunting. I'm not sure if you have a McAlister deli close to you but the one here is always hiring.