Sunday, June 14, 2009

3 Days NOT including today!!

Three days go go till birth day. Rebekah and Ben set out for Colorado early this morning. They will arrive Tuesday night. Its going to feel so good to have them here.

I am feeling so emotional lately but I think that is normal. I would rather feel things along the way instead of being slammed with them all at once later so I believe that God is just prepping me.

I try to put myself in that place at the hospital. I think about laying there in bed after having the baby and watching Rebekah and Ben hold him. What a weird situation to have a baby but to not bring him home or have to care for him. Ive done it so many times, I know how it feels, and how much work it is, and how much joy it is all in the same emotion. Its exhilarating. I cant believe how much it takes to give someone else your baby. Its not so easy to dismiss all the feelings that go with it. Believe me I have tried. I think its better to go through the feelings then to just try to ignore them, which would be my normal behavior pattern.

I feel great about the whole situation. I have no intentions on changing my mind or turning back, I just am scared to feel everything. All these people are going to be in my hospital room...what if I burst out into tears? What if I don't want to hold him at all? What if I just want to run away and hide but there isn't anyware to go?

This life growing inside of me isn't mine, he never was. I was chosen though, to give birth to him, and then to give him away. What an amazing thing to think about. After he is born, I will be forever changed. I will look at life differently. I'm tired of just going through the motions. I want my life to matter. I'm tired of just wasting it all away. I was made (you were made) for a greater purpose then to just live day to day, hour by hour. I am looking forward to being a better mom, a better friend, a better sister, and a better daughter. I cant wait to see my relationship with the Lord grow stronger through this, I have to admit that I have fallen farther from the Lord because of my confusion on why this has all happen to me, when in reality I did it to myself. Thank God for grace and forgiveness.

Last night I had contractions and back labor for several hours. In my mind I couldn't believe that I would actually go into spontaneous labor on my own so I tried everything I could to stop it and tried to ignore it. It worked. It dissipated and I am still here this morning. I have a feeling that labor is around the corner anyway though.

I have my last doctors appointment tomorrow and then off to the hospital on Thursday.


mak'n Changes said...

Girl u are about to pop! I wish I could be there with u! Who did u get to watch skyler while ur in the hospital? What about your ride home? Oh man I wish I could be there to help you! I for sure will be praying you thru all this. I am OH SO proud of you! If u need to talk or cry you know my number.

Michelle said...

praying for you as you get ready for all of this... God's on your side. :-)

Two Hands said...

If you need to cry, do it. No one will fault you or look at you strangely. You have touched so many people with what you are doing. It is God's work, but no one said it should be easy and no expects you to do it without feeling some pretty big things. Give yourself the freedom to feel whatever comes knowing that God is holding you as you do.
But this isn't the only thing you've done to make your life meaningful. You are a parent, you are preparing the next generation. THAT is huge too. Your honesty, courage and love will carry on to them. Each day you care for them is filled with meaning, don't slight yourself, you've already made a difference.
God bless as you make this tremendous journey. I pray only the best for you and your growing family in the next few days and in the years to come.

Anonymous said...

I hope you have someone other than baby boys Mommy and Daddy to talk to you. Their energy/attention will probably be all on the new baby. You should plan to have someone there for just you. You deserve support for what you are doing. Remember, things happen for a reason. God will carry you through. Hold on tight.

Rikki said...

I think you are woman of the bravest and most UN-selfish women I have ever known. The kind of courage it takes to give up your child because you know you can't give him the life he deserves is absoultly amazing to me.

I'll be praying for you as you get ready to finish this journey.

Anonymous said...

why cant r and b drive you home?

Laurie said...

Oh Rebekah...counting down the days with you. And I know R and B will not just be focused on the baby. I sat in the hospital room with my little one and was able to love on our birthmother at the same time. Noone is that tunnel-visioned. For people to think that R and B are only looking forward to having a son is ridiculous. I looked forward to an open adoption and all the relationships that would be gained and am blessed to have one! Our birthmother even came with us to our adoption agency this Saturday to speak to potential couples about open adoption and it went so well!

You can cry, you can laugh, you can hold him right away or not. None of those things define who you are. And you know your goodbyes to him are not forever. The bond that is formed between you and R will last a lifetime. You yourself have gained a whole new family! What a blessing.

I will pray for your nerves and pray for your pain, as I know you do not look forward to either one! Just remember, our Lord is big enough to carry it ALL- and He will!

cc said...

Hon, You have every right to feel whatever emotion comes out. Please don't think anyone will think any different of you for letting these emotions show.

I know I only know you thru your blog and email, but when I tell you that I wish I could be there for you, I REALLY mean it. You know my number, if there's anything I can do from so far off I won't hesitate to do it. I'm only a phone call or email away.

What you are doing by letting R & B adopt this baby is such an unselfish act. It shows the world just how much you love this baby boy and how caring you are. I know it's hard for you. It's got to be. Know that there are many prayers being said for you. I've also asked my friends to pray for you.

You ARE making a difference, I'm sure R & B will tell you that. And as far as your other children, you show us thru your blog what a great mom you are to them. You are making a difference in their lives too.

Hang in there, Hon. You are loved.


cc said...

Can I just add...WELL SAID LAURIE!

All My Monkeys said...

Wow. I'm so impressed. And amen to forgiveness and grace.

Jessica said...

Please do not miss the wonderful opportunity to hold your son and freely let your emotions show. Yes, it will be painful, but you don't want to have any regrets. I read R & B's blog as well and have a feeling that they are going to be pretty focused on you, as well as baby boy.

This is going to be hard for all of you. Having my daughter's birthmother place her in my arms was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. In my head, I was overjoyed that I was finally a Mom. But my heart was breaking because I knew how badly she wished things could have been different and it was her taking that baby home.

Lots of prayers are being said for you.

~Katie said...

Another post to put me in tears. :) I have told you this before but hope you know how true it is, you are a beautiful spirit. I have been in Ben and Rebekah's shoes. I know how scared and awkward they are feeling too. They (and their sweet baby boy) are sooooo lucky to have you. You really have NO IDEA! Blessings.