Three days go go till birth day. Rebekah and Ben set out for Colorado early this morning. They will arrive Tuesday night. Its going to feel so good to have them here.
I am feeling so emotional lately but I think that is normal. I would rather feel things along the way instead of being slammed with them all at once later so I believe that God is just prepping me.
I try to put myself in that place at the hospital. I think about laying there in bed after having the baby and watching Rebekah and Ben hold him. What a weird situation to have a baby but to not bring him home or have to care for him. Ive done it so many times, I know how it feels, and how much work it is, and how much joy it is all in the same emotion. Its exhilarating. I cant believe how much it takes to give someone else your baby. Its not so easy to dismiss all the feelings that go with it. Believe me I have tried. I think its better to go through the feelings then to just try to ignore them, which would be my normal behavior pattern.
I feel great about the whole situation. I have no intentions on changing my mind or turning back, I just am scared to feel everything. All these people are going to be in my hospital room...what if I burst out into tears? What if I don't want to hold him at all? What if I just want to run away and hide but there isn't anyware to go?
This life growing inside of me isn't mine, he never was. I was chosen though, to give birth to him, and then to give him away. What an amazing thing to think about. After he is born, I will be forever changed. I will look at life differently. I'm tired of just going through the motions. I want my life to matter. I'm tired of just wasting it all away. I was made (you were made) for a greater purpose then to just live day to day, hour by hour. I am looking forward to being a better mom, a better friend, a better sister, and a better daughter. I cant wait to see my relationship with the Lord grow stronger through this, I have to admit that I have fallen farther from the Lord because of my confusion on why this has all happen to me, when in reality I did it to myself. Thank God for grace and forgiveness.
Last night I had contractions and back labor for several hours. In my mind I couldn't believe that I would actually go into spontaneous labor on my own so I tried everything I could to stop it and tried to ignore it. It worked. It dissipated and I am still here this morning. I have a feeling that labor is around the corner anyway though.
I have my last doctors appointment tomorrow and then off to the hospital on Thursday.