As of eight o'clock a.m. today my rights are officially terminated. I had all night to think about this. I knew I wasn't going to change my mind, but it was weird thinking about it all night...knowing that in the morning, I would have no say in my sons life anymore. Ive made the last and best choice I could for him. I know it was the best choice, but I still feel like a failure, and sometimes like a bad mom. I know those are just feelings....and they hold no truth....but they are there.
I am forever changed...and forever different. My life holds different meaning now and sometimes I don't know how to deal with it. Its overwhelming. Can you imagine giving away your child? Its tears my heart in two. I hardly can go two hours without crying...will this ever end? They tell me it will. They tell me that I will never feel completely happy about the situation but that I will find a way to live with it. Rebekah and Ben are just the best thing that has happened for baby boy...and I know that, that's not that part that makes me sad....its living with my decisions that I'm having a hard time getting over.
This is truly the hardest thing I could ever do.
Thank you for all the comments on the video. It is for Ty and I will probably send it to him with is first letter that I will be writing soon. Someday he will watch it, but he will already know about me. I'm so thankful for that. He doesn't leave my mind for a second...I'm constantly thinking about him, and how much I will miss him.
I keep thinking of the story of Moses. Ive always thought Ty was my little prince, because if you read the story...it truly mimics an open adoption. Moses really was adopted by the princess in Egypt. He became a prince through adoption because his mom couldn't keep him. Now of course his mom couldn't keep him because he would be killed....but for me...the similarities are about the same.....so Ty will forever be my little prince. It gives me a little peace.
R and B and Ty did meet with the birth father yesterday. He apparently was sweet and held the baby for a while. They met for an hour and a half and then parted ways...it went smoothly and Rebekah and Ben got some good pictures for Ty's memory book. So surreal to me. So many thoughts...not enough paper to put them on.
My health is still up in the air...I am just doing a lot of resting as per doctors orders.....and I wait for my blood pressure to go down. Its frustrating when your body is doing something that you have no control over. Thank you for your prayers. They are priceless to me.