Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Termination....what a horrible sounding word......

As of eight o'clock a.m. today my rights are officially terminated. I had all night to think about this. I knew I wasn't going to change my mind, but it was weird thinking about it all night...knowing that in the morning, I would have no say in my sons life anymore. Ive made the last and best choice I could for him. I know it was the best choice, but I still feel like a failure, and sometimes like a bad mom. I know those are just feelings....and they hold no truth....but they are there.

I am forever changed...and forever different. My life holds different meaning now and sometimes I don't know how to deal with it. Its overwhelming. Can you imagine giving away your child? Its tears my heart in two. I hardly can go two hours without crying...will this ever end? They tell me it will. They tell me that I will never feel completely happy about the situation but that I will find a way to live with it. Rebekah and Ben are just the best thing that has happened for baby boy...and I know that, that's not that part that makes me sad....its living with my decisions that I'm having a hard time getting over.

This is truly the hardest thing I could ever do.

Thank you for all the comments on the video. It is for Ty and I will probably send it to him with is first letter that I will be writing soon. Someday he will watch it, but he will already know about me. I'm so thankful for that. He doesn't leave my mind for a second...I'm constantly thinking about him, and how much I will miss him.

I keep thinking of the story of Moses. Ive always thought Ty was my little prince, because if you read the story...it truly mimics an open adoption. Moses really was adopted by the princess in Egypt. He became a prince through adoption because his mom couldn't keep him. Now of course his mom couldn't keep him because he would be killed....but for me...the similarities are about the same.....so Ty will forever be my little prince. It gives me a little peace.

R and B and Ty did meet with the birth father yesterday. He apparently was sweet and held the baby for a while. They met for an hour and a half and then parted ways...it went smoothly and Rebekah and Ben got some good pictures for Ty's memory book. So surreal to me. So many thoughts...not enough paper to put them on.

My health is still up in the air...I am just doing a lot of resting as per doctors orders.....and I wait for my blood pressure to go down. Its frustrating when your body is doing something that you have no control over. Thank you for your prayers. They are priceless to me.


gjmj4 said...

My heart breaks for you, i can not even imagine what you are going through. I discovered your blog through R and B blog. They happen to be friends of my daughter and son-in-law. Lots of prayers have been going out to you and your family for a long time. Stay strong and keep your head up. You have your wonderful children needing you for lots of love and guidance for many more years to come. Lots of hugs and prayers coming your way!!!

cc said...

Oh Rebekah. I'm crying for the physical and mental pain you are having to endure.
I'm so sorry that you are having these feelings.
Especially today.

You are NOT a failure as a mom. I know you may feel that way, but I don't believe anyone else does.
You have 4 children that you adore and that need you.

I adore you and the friendship that we have.

Rest...let your body heal.
Cry....let your mind heal.

Love Ya,

jess said...

Don't ever, ever even for a second think you are a 'bad mom', in fact over these last days of reading your blog I think it is fair to say that I honestly think you are one of the most wonderful mothers to ever exist. The pain you are enduring for what is best for your son is amazing. It is selfless, beautiful and one of the most amazing acts of LOVE I have ever seen.

Prayers for your heart to heal.

LL said...

Prayers continue for you. First of all you are not a failure. You gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, you gave him life and because of you he lives.

One of the things that irritates me is when I talk about Shelby's bio mom to my friends or family and they say that she just needs to move on, to forget. I think that they feel that since she placed her daughter for adoption that she should just dismiss her from her life. But like you, S loves her daughter, you love your son. Just because you chose adoption doesn't and shouldn't take away from that. Your son will always be a part of you, perhaps you won't have everyday contact but he will never leave your heart.

Matt and Carol said...

Becky - the last thing on earth you are is a bad mom. You made a difficult, heart wrenching decision based on what was best for all of you and it was the right one.

I love you, sweetie!

mak'n Changes said...

Wow Becky! What a huge day. How does one process "official separation" in their mind? You may regret the circumstances that lead up to little ty but I know you cherish the life of that little boy. I'm so happy you will be able to stay in contact with R and B. I think about Tim and what a good man he grew up to be, Your little ty too is going to grow up to be a good man. God brings miracles out of our regrets.
I am forever proud of you!

Two Hands said...

You are one of the best mothers I've ever known.
I'm sorry this has been so difficult, but when someone loves their children as much as you do, it comes with the territory. Ty is so blessed to have someone like you to love him.
I pray your health improves soon.
Big hugs.

Lerin said...

Praying you are okay both physically and mentally!

You are such an amazing woman, and stronger than you know.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there Rebekah. I pray that if I'm ever with not being able to have my own children, I meet someone like you. You are such a selfless and amazing woman. I will continue to pray that the pain you will will get lighter each day.

Arcadia said...

I hope you feel better soon!

Anonymous said...

You have given the ultimate gift of life to a couple that would probably never experience the sweet love of a baby. You, my dear, are a great example for all mothers. God Bless you always.

Anonymous said...

I totally ditto what Cindie said. I am in awe of you.

My eyes have been puddles since I heard of your sacrifice. I thought it was just allergies but then I recognized the ache in my throat. I am right here with you in my heart, praying for you.

And yes... Satan is gonna lie to you and try to convince you that you were a bad mom. Don't even listen to him... you know that you heard from God about this, God's blessing has been on this from day one and He is watching over you and baby. Remind the devil of that every time he tries to discourage you. It will make him run!


Chelle said...

I found your blog a few days back through a blog friend and I just have to say, wow. You are such an amazing woman. Words can't even express how wonderful and amazing you are. I am sure R and B are going to be amazing parents and love Ty so very much.

I am so sorry you are having a hard time with letting him go. It breaks my heart and makes my eyes well up with tears for you.

You are so amazing.

Krystal said...

You have done a wonderful, selfless thing by giving Ty to Ben & Rebekah. I started reading your blog several months ago and have been praying for you (and B & R) for a while now. Sometimes when you hear about things happening you just know, I mean KNOW in your heart that it is right. . . meant to be. That is how I felt when I read your (& Rebekah's) blog. I could just SEE God's hand in the whole situation. I am pretty sure you feel the same way.... that is why you feel peace (in the midst of the pain) that you did the right thing for Ty.

Now do me a favor, eliminate the word "failure" from your vocabulary. I think you are a success, a HUGE success. I mean think about it from Ben & Rebekah's point of view........ I am sure "failure" is the LAST word they'd ever use to describe you. Loving, kind & giving are the words they would use.
So, try to smile thru the tears and know that you did the right thing.

(The video you posted last night was wonderful..... made me cry. Just beautiful! I tried to comment on it but I don't think it worked)

Anonymous said...

it's weird...after you have been through this kind of thing, EVERYTHING changes!!! i am a birth grandmother of daughter who placed baby in open adoption and like you said, you are a different person from this time on. You think of that baby in every area of your life, in every circumstance. Relinquishing this baby is bigger than anyone who has not been through this can imagine.

People do not mean to say the "wrong" things. Just like the nice comment earlier in this post about you "giving Ty to a wonderful family". You did not "give" Ty to a wonderful family, you gave a wonderful family to your flesh and blood, YOUR TY. It's weird how all of these comments are nice....ones like "you are a great mother and now your other children need you". Well, yes, but it does not lessen the tremendous hole that is in your heart for THIS child.
I even got mad the other day when someone said to me that what my daughter did was so much easier to live with than having an abortion. I thought about it and I am not sure it is. It is ultimately the "right" choice and God honoring choice but I am not at all sure it is an easier life or is somehow easier to live with than the choice you have made. As a matter of fact I am starting to think that this is even emotionally a more difficult choice. I pray constantly that God will honor you and my daughter and all the others who have chosen adoption for their children. I realize the reward may not come until heaven. I sure hope you all of you believer birth moms have an amazing reward coming for this choice!!!!
You must go through the grief process. Feel it all and allow yourself to grieve it hard. My daughter has not done this and is stuck in life.
May all of us who now know the gut wretching pain of relinquishment reach out in love and compassion to birth moms in a new way.
There is really no socially acceptable way for the birth mother to grieve. There are post abortion groups, tons of help for teen and single moms...but birthmom?
Well, I realize I am rambling but my heart is with you as the mom of a birthmom and birth grandmother of a precious baby boy that I miss more than words can express. I can only imagine what it is like to be the mom.
If I can be of support mention it in your blog and we can exchange email addresses.
I am praying for you, sweet Rebekah.

~Katie said...

Oh Rebekah, if I lived close to you I don't think I could ever stop hugging you. I wish I was as strong and brave as you.
I know you don't feel that way. I know you hurt. I have been there. As you know through my comments, I was on the other side. I can't tell you how thankful I am to hear a sweet birthmothers perspecitive. I send pictures and letters to my childre's birth parents but I never hear back from them. I would LOVE for my kids to know and have a relationship with them. I think that is so healthy. I pray that one day they will have the strength to do that. I know that it will be in THEIR time and I truly respect that. I cannot begin to imagine how you you are morning that sweet baby boy. I can tell you from an adoptive mothers perspective that Rebekah understands that mourning. I am sure, just like I, she mourned the loss of her biological children. And just like I, if you asked her today, I bet she would say, she would NOT trade that sweet baby Tye for 100 of biological babies. You are an angel Rebekah. You have created a family and God is looking down on you and smiling. Just think, just like HIM, you gave your son ~ To make his world a better place. :) You are ALWAYS in my prayers. Thank you for being so selfless. I wish I could take your pain away and I pray that IT WILL get better.I remeber when my children were finally adopted and I remeber thinking that as much as I wanted them, I HATED the word termination. It doesn sound harsh. And for selfless people like you, they should re-name it to...selflessly sacrificing...or something like that. :) ((((HUGS))))

Michelle said...

I was out all day long (first time in months, I'm very sick) so couldn't check the blog, but I was thinking about & praying for you today.

It's perfectly normal to be crying and sad - you just lost your son in many ways. Although you'll have the blessing of an open adoption, you still won't be raising him - if you DIDN'T grieve, I'd be quite concerned! You truly are doing amazingly well from what we can see on the blog... I know it probably doesn't feel like it, but it seems that you have peace in the family you've chosen for your son and that you know you made the right choice, even though it's the hardest thing you've ever had to do.

Praying for you, dear sister...

- michelle

Michelle said...

oh, and i forgot to say one more thing: you are NOT a failure as a mother. a failure would be someone who made decisions based solely on their own desires & emotions... you put yourself aside & did what was best for your son. i watched a documentary on open adoption once, and the first mother said, "it definitely wasn't the right decision for me, but it was the right decision for him." i think it's the same with you - as hard as it is for you, you've done what was best for your baby.

you're the furthest thing from a failure there is.

- michelle

Muriel and Jerry said...

I just read your entire blog. I am an adoptive mom. I want you to know how selfless you are and what an amazing person you are. You did a wonderful thing and I pray that you heart heals with the knowledge that your son is loved beyond measure and he will always know how much you love him. I found this poem and it reminds me of my sweet Sophie's birthmother.

I set you free on the wings of a prayer
To fly through life in His tender care,

You're free from the nest and the ties that are bound
Free from the pressures I carry around.

If I kept you I'd only be cutting your wings,
Not offering the chance a true family brings.

The decision I've made has my heart torn in two,
But I know what I'm doing is the best thing for you.

The sky is so vast, the mountains so high
Take wing and remember: I love you.


--LISA BOTE-PHILLIPS, a birth mother

mom to Sophie(grown in my heart) and
Jack (grown in my belly)

Gracelady said...

Dear sweet Beckah,
I can't as your mom leave this site without letting you know that my heart bursts with love and pride for you.
You not only have given the best lost a mother could to her baby new born boy but in that act you have given years of strenghtening love to your four children at home.
Knowing your own capabilities of giving the best quality of love to these children you have now sacriced and given selflessly to all five of your born children.
You have so much to give and have given as a mother. Now you will give more fully to your four and wisely to your most recent little boy.
As your mother, my heart aches knowing know your heart is saddened and grieves with a kind of joy that can not be explained.
I want to hug your pain away but I know if you don't feel now those legitimate feelings will come back at a time that is unhealhy. So I won't rescue you from the pain. Well not all of it,I just can't stand to not some. I'm a mom aftet all. And your mom as I am so proud to be. So to my extraordinary daughter I say I love you, I am in awe of your strength and I am blessed to be a part of your story from the very beginning.
Love and kisses,

Tricia said...

Honey, I just found your blog. Rebekah, I am sending you cyber-hugs, prayers & strength in this very momeny.

I have a 6 year-old biological daughter & we adopted our sweet Mayan Princess, Sofia, from Guatemala in 2007.

YOU ARE AN INCREDIBLE MOTHER - you are selfless & giving & enduring heartbreak because of your great love for your son.

Allow yourself to grieve. To cry. To rest. You are human. You are a mom.

We are all here for you in blogland, Rebekah. Much love.

Anonymous said...

P.S. Rebekah, a few of us have shared your link on Facebook - so other women & mothers can read your blog & story & pray for you & help carry your burden during your time of grief. May you feel the Lord's peace & presence in this very moment.

Becky said...

Lifing you up today R!!! I can only imagine! I again wish my children's bmom's had put into words their feelings like you have!
Please continue to talk with someone, get the counceling that you need to help yourself begin to heal. You are making the ultimate sacrifice for the better for your child! It makes you the perfect mother!!

We are fostering our 5 month old great-nephew right now. I only wish his 17 yr. old parents would give him this gift.......instead of having him in the middle of their fight and all the CPS junk!

Hugs to you!

Michelle Smiles said...

I can't imagine your pain and I have no healing words. As an adoptive mom, I thank you for making such a hard but incredible choice. As a mom, my heart breaks for you.

Kathy Lang said...

Termination does sound ugly, b/c it's the same word used for ending a baby's life. Something you chose not to do. Someday Ty will be able to understand that you chose the very best for him--not something that you really wanted to do, but you put his needs first. Your choice ultimately gave Ty choices for the future. You didn't 'give' him away...you gave him a life of opportunities. You gave him a loving, two-parent home. You gave him the opportunity to be loved by even more people--his birth family and adoptive family. Ty is truly blessed because of ALL of you.

Sarah said...

I just found your blog through my friend, T... I don't have the right words to say, but wanted to let you know that as a mom to both two bio kids and one that came to me through adoption, I love all my children with all of my heart and can honestly say I often forget which child was not born from my womb. My heart surely does not know the difference.

Your Ty is such a lucky little boy to have you in his life... he will always know that you loved him more than anything in this world. From reading your blog, I can tell that you put so much love and thought into your decision to make an adoption plan for your little boy. I can only hope that my daughter's birthmother loved her as much as you do Ty, although I may never know. What a blessing that would be for her to know!

I will keep you in my prayers as you begin your new life with all five of your children tightly woven in your heart.

Doripink said...

Dear Rebekah.
I actually found your blog on FB through my friend, but I actually know R & B and didn't realize you were the SAME Rebekah! Your post was amazing! You have done the selfless thing a human being can do! I stand in awe of you! I am the mother to 2 beautiful children through the miracle of adoption. I PRAY that my children's birthmother knows EVERY day what an amazing gift she gave to my husband and I. I could not have children and because of women like you with your unselfish and never-ending love, I am able to be called "mommy".

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

SlushTurtle said...

LIfting you up in prayer today. As a mother through both the old fashioned way and adoption, I can only imagine how horrible this experience is for you. You made a really tough decision. I don't think you are a bad mom for being realistic with yourself about what you can handle. In fact, I think that makes you even more amazing. God bless you and your son in this troubling time!

Anonymous said...

The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, A refuge in times of trouble.

And those who know Your name will put their trust in You; For You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.

(Ps 9.9-10)

PrayingforRebekah said...

The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, To all who call upon Him in truth.

He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He also will hear their cry and save them.

(Ps 145.18-19)

Tricia said...

Rebekah, your greatest sacrifice and heartache is the other Rebekah's greatest blessing.

Adoption is a powerful thing.

I'm just checking on you. I can't get you off my mind.

Laurie said...

Hang in there, Rebekah! I admire you in so many ways. There are many of us walking beside you during this very difficult time. You have friends all around you!


Tera said...

A commenter (Sarah) said, "I can only hope that my daughter's birthmother loved her as much as you do Ty, although I may never know. What a blessing that would be for her to know!"

I feel exactly the same way.

I pray that as you grieve, the Lord will hold you in His Mighty Hand, bring peace and comfort to ease your pain, heartache and sense of loss. May your body and soul experience the deep healing that only God can bring. May you have strength for each new day.

As an adoptive Mother to a sweet toddler, I have to tell you that it has been important for me to read through your posts...my daughter's Birth Mother also has five biological children (my adopted daugther is her fifth).

Thank you for sharing your story. I will be praying for you. God bless.

Kelly said...

I truly think what you are doing is amazing!
I hope you get to feeling better! Rest and know that there are people that are thinking about you!

debbiedoO said...

Thinking of you Rebekah.

Thinking that you are anything but a failure.

Thinking this is going to be a long road.

Thinking Ty will be in your heart until the day you leave this earth and maybe even after that...

Thinking you are precious as that baby boy of yours and deserve all the good things life has to offer.

You've been heavy on my heart and I'd like to be available to you, should you need ANYTHING please make mention of such on your blog.

Praying for you tonight.

Anonymous said...

Rebekah, I found your blog by searching for it after reading the other Rebekah's blog. I do not know either of you in person.

Though I am so so happy for B and R, my heart hurt so badly for you. I am a mother of 2 with my 3rd on the way. Rebekah, you are my hero. Your love for Ty is the perfect picture of the love of our Father in heaven.

My Daddy died two weeks before my 18th birthday in a plane crash. My world turned inside out because he was my guardian and my best friend. My mother was not a normal part of my life.

But every day I think of him in heaven and the goofy things he did while he was here and I feel as if part of me lives in the eternal before I am even there, because part of me, my flesh and blood, already is there.

Your Ty is still here and you will have him in your heart and life for the rest of your life to come. But oneday, one happy day, you, Ty, and Rebekah will live together forever praising the God who made all three of you, brought all three of you together, and the three of you will be together FOREVER. And your sweet Father knows the pain of giving up His son for the love of something better.

Rebekah, I can't wait to meet you in heaven. You are my hero.