I have been crying almost non stop since I came home from the hospital. I just couldn't put my finger on what the problem. I know, it should seem obvious right? But, this is not me. I felt TO weepy. It was kinda neat because I was reading my blog comments and then a person posted an anonymous comment about me needing some post placement counseling, while at the same time my adoption case worker was texting me the number for some post placement counseling. I jumped at the idea and called her right away. I knew that talking to someone would probably not take the crying away, but maybe it would give me some answers....and I feel I got some.
She told me in her words that my life is usually filled with people all around me (four children). I am usually constantly busy and preoccupied with the needs all around me. When the three older children left for there dads a few weeks ago, all my attention was given to the pregnancy and the three year old. I was clearly still very busy going to doctors appointments and taking care of a three year old. My mom just had major surgery so I was also caring for her and running back and forth from the doctor to my moms and then briefly home. NOW....baby is born, the kids are gone, and I have only a three year old here with me now....things are quiet....and (THE BIGGEST THING) I have a sense of loss for the child I just carried for nine months. Having a baby alone will probably bring a person to tears...but I have so much more then that.
I think when I put all those things together it makes sense. I can finally put my finger on it...and again...although it doesn't take it all away (because my pain is truly real) it does give me an answer. I really am not loosing my mind and going crazy. LOL
Physically I am still feeling quite sore from the birth. I cant complain about that, Ive had much much worse recoveries.
Again, thank you for your comments....they are really getting me through as I am here alone at home. I look forward to hearing from you all.
I also promise to have the birth story soon. I want to make sure to write every detail I can remember.