Thursday, June 18, 2009

Putting a finger on it.....

I have been crying almost non stop since I came home from the hospital. I just couldn't put my finger on what the problem. I know, it should seem obvious right? But, this is not me. I felt TO weepy. It was kinda neat because I was reading my blog comments and then a person posted an anonymous comment about me needing some post placement counseling, while at the same time my adoption case worker was texting me the number for some post placement counseling. I jumped at the idea and called her right away. I knew that talking to someone would probably not take the crying away, but maybe it would give me some answers....and I feel I got some.

She told me in her words that my life is usually filled with people all around me (four children). I am usually constantly busy and preoccupied with the needs all around me. When the three older children left for there dads a few weeks ago, all my attention was given to the pregnancy and the three year old. I was clearly still very busy going to doctors appointments and taking care of a three year old. My mom just had major surgery so I was also caring for her and running back and forth from the doctor to my moms and then briefly home. NOW....baby is born, the kids are gone, and I have only a three year old here with me now....things are quiet....and (THE BIGGEST THING) I have a sense of loss for the child I just carried for nine months. Having a baby alone will probably bring a person to tears...but I have so much more then that.

I think when I put all those things together it makes sense. I can finally put my finger on it...and again...although it doesn't take it all away (because my pain is truly real) it does give me an answer. I really am not loosing my mind and going crazy. LOL

Physically I am still feeling quite sore from the birth. I cant complain about that, Ive had much much worse recoveries.

Again, thank you for your comments....they are really getting me through as I am here alone at home. I look forward to hearing from you all.

I also promise to have the birth story soon. I want to make sure to write every detail I can remember.

24 comments:

Kathy Lang said...

I'm glad you were given the suggestion for post-placement counseling. It sounds like you have been given some good food for thought. I agree that you are used to a full house, and that is not the case right now. Having the three older children gone, probably makes your home feel rather empty. Take this time to focus on yourself and work through your emotions. Enjoy some one on one time with your 3 yr old. I'm sure he loves having you all to himself.

I will continue to pray for your healing--both physical and emotional.

Holly said...

I'm not sure how I came upon your blog a few weeks ago, but I've been reading it ever since. I think it's amazing that you are going through ALL that you are going through right now so that the baby can have a wonderful life and loving parents. That is the most loving thing you could EVER do for him. People might think, how can she give him away like that but I think "wow, she loves him SO much that she is giving him to great parents, giving him the BEST life that he deserves. You totally put yourself last here and the baby FIRST. I have never met someone so strong and amazing!

Two Hands said...

I'm glad you feel that you have some answers now although I can assure you that no one thought you were losing your mind!
I've been thinking about you a lot today and hoping that things were, maybe not getting easier, but that you were finding some peace.
I'm sure you have lots of people you can talk to, but I'm here if you want another ear.

Holly said...

You are an unbelievably strong woman. To put your feelings last and this baby's life first is so unselfish and loving. You should be proud of the woman you are, and the amazing life you are giving the baby. I don't know how I came across this blog recently, but I am glad I got to read about such an amazing woman!

Tracy said...

I'm SO glad that you talked to someone and are able to pinpoint what is going on. What a relief it has to be to you to at least be able to know why you feel the way you do. I can't imagine going through what you are. You are SO strong and such a wonderful person. I hope that you are able to heal physically and emotionally to a point where you feel okay with everything. I'm sure that your heart will always have a piece of it missing to an extent...but you have the blessing of knowing where that little piece is and you can see just how he's doing whenever you'd like. What a wonderful thing for you!!!
I'm keeping you, Ty, Rebekah and Ben and your families in my prayers. I pray for healing for your mind, heart and body. Just know that there are so many of us out here that think you're just awesome! :)

cc said...

I'm so glad you took advantage of talking to someone.
You are on your way to having peace...

I'm praying God will hold you in his loving arms while you go through all the emotions that you are feeling.

You are cared about by so many. The blog readers that are leaving comments are proof.

CeCe

Rachel J. said...

Becky - I know it's been a really long time since we have had much involvement in each other's lives,but I want you to know that you have a huge piece of my heart right now. I have been following your blog since we started talking on FB.I can not even begin to know the things you are going through right now, but know that my heart is broken for you. I am praying that in this time, you will be overwhelmed with His presence and peace as He speaks to where you are. I am so glad you were able to talk to someone today and that they could put words to your tears. I am praying for you, dear friend. I know that this is a the beginning of an awesome season of healing and drawing closer to Him.

Anonymous said...

i really think that the couseling is going to help you a lot! You are in my prayers.

Michelle said...

Rebekah - I have been following for a couple of months. My heart aches for your pain, and I am praying for you.

DebbiedoO said...

You know, when I had my daughter, I remember taking a shower in the days that followed and looking down at my now-floppy belly, and feeling so EMPTY. Where life once was, I had the effects...saggy, stretch marked, ugly reminder.

I actually grieved a little for the "loss" of my pregnancy, It was a very strange feeling, and one I wasn't prepared for because I had my daughter in the next room, and to be honest I never really liked being pregnant at the end anyway. (SOO Uncomfortable! I gained a TON of weight)

So while I don't relate to your journey right now, I understand it's an emotional time, and I do hope you get through blogging, counseling, friendship and otherwise, the comfort and distraction you may need.

Take Care, GET REST REST REST REST! Stay in Bed and take advantage of the rare opportunity!

Deb

Anonymous said...

Oh Becky! I love you so much and I am so proud of you. I am praying for you...
love,
Tami
(your cousin)

mak'n Changes said...

I'm glad u got to talk with her. Will you be able to talk again? Or was it a one time thing? Give yourself time to heal bek. Cry and cry somemore. Jesus is holding you and saving your tears. But u already know that.
I love u girl!
Cindie

Michelle said...

Rebekah,
I just recently found your blog...while waiting for the baby to be born. I'd been following your story through Rebekah and Ben's blog...

I just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts and most importantly my prayers. You have given the most selfless gift a person can give...the gift of life. I am SO amazed and blessed by your sacrifice. Please know you're in my family's prayers!

Elaine said...

Oh I am so glad you have identified some of your grief. Birth is such an emotional time and hormones are raging anyway and yes not having your "normal" nest would complicate things. Take care and enjoy the time to recouperate and love on the 3 year old. Soon the older children will be back and school with start and hectic it will me. Praying for your healing and the new parents too.

Darcy said...

I've been so worried about you and you've been on my mind constantly. I'm so glad to hear you have gotten some answers to help you find some peace. I know I'm the kind of person who believes that knowledge is power and I think you are finding that knowledge and power. You are in my prayers.

Holly said...

sorry I wrote twice! I thought the first one didn't go on because I didn't sign on yet!

sarah7181 said...

Oh,I am so happy to hear you got to talk to a counselor and are feeling.. maybe a bit more settled with your emotions. That is good news. For some reason, I can't stop thinking about you. I feel for you on so many levels. I keep trying to put myself in your place, and I can't wrap my mind around it. You must be feeling SO much. I'm keeping you in my prayers. I hope every day is just a little bit easier for you, and that you physically get to feeling better soon.

Matt and Carol said...

Becky - sweet friend - I have been thinking of you often the last week but had lost your blog address. After seeing your last FB update I knew I had to find it.

I love you - I know we haven't seen each other in years and only recently reconnected but I do. My heart breaks for you, though I know - and I know you know - you did the right thing.

I don't think there's anything I can say that someone else hasn't already, but I love you and you are in my prayers.

Carol

Lynnette said...

I have followed your story and I just want to say you are an amazing woman and you are in my prayers. You have so many people who are thinking and and praying for you.

Jamie said...

this is the first time i have read your blog....i am an adoptive mother (milo is 4.5 months old) and i've followed the journey through the other rebekah's......my tears are flowing with you and i want you to know how brave and courageous you are. your spirit amazes me and the gift of family that you have blessed ben and rebekah with is indescribable. there are no words that describe the thankfulness in an adoptive mother's heart for what a birthmother gives her. i can't even imagine the sadness and emptiness that you are feeling right now, but i will pray for you that there is a peace that settles in your heart soon and for the strength you need to get to that place.
you are amazing.....

Ginger said...

I hope the counseling helps you find your balance.

I know for me personally that I can't be truly "happy" about placement even looking back but I've reached a point where I feel balanced about it. There's good and bad and I can take both as they come. But those first few weeks post-delivery, I always felt...insane; it's not like me to be so moody. There wasn't a happy medium.

Know that your feelings aren't all hormones...but that when the hormones level out in a few weeks, you'll probably feel more like yourself. And sometimes a counselor really can do wonders.

Midwest Mom said...

Hi Rebekah,
I found your post through Kriss (the 3 lovely bees) and I have followed Kriss from long ago over at TLOL web site. (I am Midwest Mom at TLOL) I am so glad to be able to write to you here as I just happened upon your story and am in total awe of you. My dh and I have suffered through infertility treatments for years and while we are so blessed to have had success, my heart still hurts for those who cannot conceive...and now I have a whole new appreciation for what you must be dealing with. I am sure you are feeling a whole range of emotions but I just want you to know how brave I think you are. I wish I could hug you tight in real life!! I will follow your progress and pray that you may start to heal and feel better soon. You are just amazing- such a hero. Please be kind to yourself and rest. Praying for you with a heavy heart :)

BIG GIANT HUGS from Chicago,
Midwest Mom, TLOL

kimberly said...

rebekah....i am jamie's (above post) mom...and milo's nonnie.....i have been following rebekah and ben's journey and then found you...and i just want to tell you that i too can't imagine the emptiness and sadness that you are feeling at this time....but i also want to tell you that having watched a daughter and son-in-law long and pray for a child for eight years....and finally have a birthmother give them the greatest gift one could ever give......i want to say i am in awe of your selflessness, your gift, your love, your sacrifice and all it means. i watch this little boy of ours, being so loved, we joy in him every day....we celebrate him and the journey that brought him to our family....and i thank God for him every day....and i know that ben and rebekah will do the same....i pray that you will find joy in their joy and healing that you are still in his life....and know that he is loved beyond words....you are in my thoughts and prayers.
hugs,
kimberly

SJ said...

I'm glad you were offered post-placement counseling and went for it. I know we don't know each other, but if you need to talk to a fellow birthmother please feel free to email or whatever. missednote@hotmail.com