Saturday, June 13, 2009


The highs and lows of this part of my life are just crazy, and I'm not just talking about the adoption. Single parenting is such a test of faith and perseverance. My three older kids are hundreds of miles away but the worries that come with motherhood don't go away just because the kids are gone.

Yesterday the kids dad called me and wanted to just fill me in on how hard of a time Matthew was having. I do this with him as well so its not out of the ordinary. We do try to utilize each others support even though we live so far away. I didn't realize how hard it would be on me to hear about him getting himself in trouble and then learning about his punishment. Although his fathers punishments are far more severe then mine would be, they are still not cruel or unusual, but it still hurts my heart to know that my son is causing hardship on himself. It threw me into a couple hour of on and off crying. LOL I'm hoping that after he completes his extra chores that he earned for lying that he wont lye to his daddy any more...but you know how kids are...sometimes they have to learn the same lesson over and over again. :) Poor little guy.

I continue to be very uncomfortable. This is the most painful pregnancy to date for me. I am trying to take it one day at a time but it is really really hard.

Rebekah and Ben head out the door and start making there way here early tomorrow morning. I am so happy for this part of the journey. I cant wait until they are here and we can start the fun part of this whole thing. Up until this has just been really frustrating and hard.

I am not sure what emotions the hospital will bring me. I am afraid I might get angry if there is a lot of pain. Does that sound weird? It is weird but its how I feel. Ive been through so much already and all the pain that I am going to experience seems a bit overwhelming to me right now. I think it might put me over the edge and the anger I have at the whole situation and towards Ron might come up again. I might be wrong about it all but I might not. The way I express anger is by crying so I wont be yelling at people or making them miserable but I am just worried about how I will feel.

In the meantime, I have lots of time to think lately. I think about this whole process and how incredibly hard its been. I'm ready for it to be over. I'm ready to move on and I am ready to have my body back. I cant remember very well what it feels like to be NOT pregnant and to feel pretty. It will be another long road back to health and happiness. I will NEVER put myself in this situation again.

And now, I have to go take care of my VERY cranky three year old. :)


LL said...

I am sure every emotion is hitting you right now. You are in my prayers. May R and B have a safe journey. I think their prescence will be of comfort to you.

mak'n Changes said...

You may not see it but I'm giving you a hug right now. Poor girl! I'm excited for you to be free of a baby weighing down your tummy even though they will never stop weighing down your heart. Life lessons suck bad huh? I'm glad you have your online community to back you up and give you the love you need.
I love u forever and ever Becky!

God's girl said...

So sorry you're going through a hard time. Single parenting is hard, but I am glad you have their father to help you:) Most importantly, God is their heavenly Father, and He is with your children always...

Blessings, Heaven

cc said...

I'm praying for you. My heart breaks for you and all you are having to deal with alone.
Wish there was something I could do.

Rebekah said...

Love you! We'll get through this...together.

Becky said...

Prayers are with you and R and B!! I've followed them for a long while now! It will be exciting but difficult on all of you! Such a mix of emotions!! I pray all goes well with it all!!!