Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Several hours later........

Its been a few hours since I came home from the hospital. I have never cried so much. I didn't know I had so many tears, I didn't know I would have to feel so much. I thought It would be easier....but it isn't.

I have learned though in the past few hour how healing crying can be. Amazingly, I still am so sad, but I feel better. My kids Auntie and my best friend came over tonight (she wouldn't take no for an answer) and comforted me. What a gift she gave me in just being here. Skyler is home and I find a lot of comfort in that.

I'm not worried about the baby. I know he is fine and being so loved on and cared for. I cant imagine the joy in Ben and Rebekah's heart on there first (non-hospital) night with there son. There are no words for that kind of joy and happiness, and that also makes me happy.

I spent most of the day today with baby Ty alone. I cherished every single minute with him. I couldn't believe that this baby boy has been with me for nearly ten months. I knew my time was short, although I will see him again before they head to there home state. I just held him in my arms and tried to remember every part of him, from his jet black hair to his wrinkled brown feet. What a gift I have been given to carry him in my belly all this time. Yet I know that he will change so much daily, and I am glad I have been given yet another gift to watch that happen.

I am so sad, but I know that my sadness will turn to joy. Right now is the time to cry. For me that is OK. Its been such a journey from the time I found out I was pregnant, to now seems like an eternity.

So now, I sit here, NOT pregnant any more, yet I still look pregnant. My body still cramps up as if I was in labor, and this part of the journey is over. I have to rest, and get better because there is so much more to do now.

The birth story is quite incredible. I cant wait to share it, just not today.

Thank you EVERYONE for your wonderful supportive comments. Today when I first came home, all I could do was sob and cry, but it gave me so much comfort to read these comments that you all left....people that don't even know about me. Amazing!!!!!!

Forgot to mention!!!!
Tyrus is his name
born Tuesday, June 16th
6:24 pm
7lbs, 40z
19 3/4 inches long


Two Hands said...

I'm glad to hear you are having a good cry. You deserve it after everything you've been through. I'm proud proud proud to know you and I've been telling all of my friends and family how awesome you are.
God is walking with you and I know, in my heart, He is so proud of you too.
Sending my love.

mak'n Changes said...

He is so beautiful! I'm glad u were not alone tonight. Gawd I just want to hug you! My heart breaks for you, I just can't imagine what you are feeling, I find myself praying for you soooooo often. It is my way of holding you and helping you thru. I am just so proud of you!

Maya's Musings said...

You are an amazing person! Thank God for birthmothers!! I wouldn't be a mom without one. I will pray for peace for your heavy laden heart.

Paulette said...

You are an amazing woman, in so many ways... Make sure that you allow yourself to work through all of these emotions as you already know the importance of this. Your heart, mind, hormones and body are in the rollercoaster of your life. My prayers, love and sweet peace are with you in this journey.

cc said...

I cried while reading this post. Even tho I already knew it, I was reminded what an incredible person you are.

I'm so glad your best friend wouldn't take no for an answer and came over.
I know Skyler was glad to be home also.

I hope you were able to get some rest - in your own bed! : )
How'd that feel, finally sleeping back in your bed?!

I pray each day will bring you more healing.

Thanks for being a friend,

P.S. I would love to hear the birth story when you are ready to tell it.

cc said...

I forgot to mention..Ty looks like Skyler to me. I can also see you in Ty too.
He is a beautiful baby...boy baby's can be Beautiful, right?

Laurie said...

What a precious post....

Just keep crying and keep writing, there is healing in both and we are here to read your are never alone in your grief.

Sometimes there are decisions in life that are so heartwrenching yet so right.

Your courage to take this journey is one that will stay with you for a lifetime. You will find yourself dipping into that strength as life carries you through many twists and turns, and you will be better off for it.

I thank my God today on your behalf for Adoption and for the women who choose life for their children!!!

Darcy said...

God sees every tear you cry Rebekah. Rest in Him and find strength. You are lovely.

Michelle said...

oh Rebekah, i am so sorry for the pain you are going through. i cannot imagine how you feel.

i wish i could just make it all better, that i could heal your heart... but thankfully we know that there is One who can, and He will! i don't know how you're doing with your faith in Jesus right now, but i DO know one thing: if you are too weak to walk through this, He will carry you... and so will all of us, by our prayers, praying for you and seeking God's mercy for you even if you can't do it yourself.

praying for you, dear sister...

- michelle

Elaine said...

Thanks for sharing your story. You are selfless and you are wise. Your baby is beautiful and the act of love you have shown is remarkable.

Tricia said...

Again, God Bless You. The tears I'm sure are cleansing - it's a mourning period, no doubt. But know, deep in your heart, you are amazing.

What you've done - it's the hardest thing you'll ever go through, but it's the most generous and amazing thing as well.

God Bless You.

Anonymous said...

I'm praying for peace and healing for you. You did (are doing) an amazing, wonderful thing and I hope your sorrow turns to joy soon.

Anonymous said...

I’m so sorry you are hurting. Having a baby is SO hard. Much less all the other emotions this situation brings. Focus on getting better (mentally and physically) and know that you were a HUGE part in making a miracle happen!!

You are 100% like the mothers in the bible. Take for example….the 2 mothers and Solomon. The true mother knew what was best for the baby. So she set aside her feelings and did what was RIGHT for that baby. Look at Hannah. She knew that she had to give up her baby for the greater good of the Kingdom. I bet she was having some of the same feeling you are right now. But look how God used Samuel!! Tyrus will be no different. God will use him also.

I know this does not make things easier, but rejoice in the fact that you have the maker of the Universe to hold you in His hands and take care of you. He will heal your brokenness. Cry when you need to and yell if you want. Nothing is too big for Him to handle.

Praying for your and your family!!!

Scrapwithsabrina said...

You are amazing and you have given a gift that is immeasurable out of love for Ty. Praying for you and quick healing of the body, mind, and soul! Congratulations, you created a miracle.

Andi-bo-bandi said...

My eyes welled up reading this. I can't imagine how hard this is and I'm not going to pretend to. I wish the world were not the way it is... I know the joy R&B are feeling but I wish you and your boy were still together too. It is so hard. :-( Just know that people you don't even know are lifting you in prayer today, sweet Rebekah. Be blessed and rest in Him.

Andi (in NY)

DebbiedoO said...

I am crying with you, right now @ 9:07am. And I don't even know you.

I am wishing comfort, and every good thing life has to offer.


Anonymous said...

Thank you for choosing life!!! Don't focus on what you consider to be failures in life, because God comes in if we let him and turns them into beautiful success stories for his glory.

Casey said...

Hi Rebekah-

I'm a good friend of your "other" Rebekah. I just came across your blog, accidentally, yesterday and have been through the entire thing! I wanted to get to know because I know how much Ben and Rebekah love you.

I know this is so difficult for you, but I just want to THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for giving them this precious gift. I don't think you (or I) can even comprehend the way they are feeling deep down inside, holding their sweet boy after waiting such a very, very long time. Please always take heart knowing you have blessed their lives beyond imagination. Thank you, again and again.

Prayers and best wishes for peace and healing!

Lerin said...

I can't even begin to imagine the pain you're experiencing. I am so sorry you are bearing this suffering.

I DO want to say how glad I am that your little boy is home with you, and you had some REAL LIFE support and company last night. I wish I could be there for you physically, too. I know that does a lot more than filling up a white box on a comment page. :(

Anonymous said...

ARe you going to be getting some post placement counceling? through the agency? or somewhere?
You really probably should, it will help!

Rebekah said...

I am working on getting some help right now. This is to much for me.

Anonymous said...

I'm so thankful you've talked to someone!! Continue to do that! Go to meetings, groups of bmoms. It will not take this hard period away but, it will help so much!
Blessings and hugs to you!!! Prayers your way!

webkinzfan said...

Thank you for your transparancy. It's nice to finally be able to read from your perspective how the experience of relinquishing Ty affected you. I know that Rebekah was so sad that this hurt you so much even as it gave her and Ben unspeakable joy. I know this happened 13 months ago, but I just got to read it now, so it feels to me like it just happened and yes, it made me cry. All I can say is that I believe God gave us tears and the ability to cry to help us cope with sadness, and although it feels bad to experience the kind of sadness that causes this kind of crying, I thank God for the ability to release my sadness through tears and even sobbing! I love it when I've really cried hard and when I'd finished I feel better- like a weight has been lifted from my heart. Through this blog and Rebekah's I feel like I know you. You are my sister in Christ and I thank God for you. Hugs, Tracy from Iowa