Thursday, June 18, 2009

Still trying.........

I woke up this morning and the tears continue to flow, in fact I am always choking them back. I thought "does this ever end? What is wrong with me?" I decided to try to focus on other things. Its weird, when I was pregnant I ate and drank and did EVERYTHING for the baby. TAKE CARE OF BABY BOY...was my motto. I didn't give it a second thought to eat and drink. Today, I realized that I have to FORCE myself to eat. I found myself with no motivation to do anything I did before. I do see a light at the end of this dark dark tunnel. Life does go has to. I have to eat, I have to drink, I have to start laughing again, and it wont last long. This will pass but it seems so dark. I just got off the phone with a dear friend from Michigan. It was so nice to talk to her and I found myself feeling "normal" as we discussed how amazing my birth was and how God has made such good out of this situation.....and it made me see that life does go on....and I think I can get up and make breakfast and do normal things. I am enjoying little Skyler. It does my heart good to plant kisses on his still baby soft skin. His eyes look at me with such love. He still melts my heart. Here is a video of me in the hospital. It was one of the first times I was left alone with baby boy and I captured a bit of me "checking him out." His skin was so new and perfect. He hardly made any noises. Sorry for the breathing in the background. I obviously should have held the camera away from my face.


Anonymous said...

your motto paid off!! you did an amazing job of taking care of baby boy. he is absolutely perfect. i dont know how to put into words what i feel when i read your posts. you are absolutely amazing and the gift of life you have given to that family is beyond measure.

Michelle said...

i can assure you that there is NOTHING wrong with you. you've just given birth - which will make you crazy emotional in & of itself! - and then you let go of the child you carried for 9 months. something would be wrong with you if you DIDN'T react & feel sad!

your hormones are all over the place - that's what happens physically when you give birth. add into that the fact that baby boy isn't with you anymore and you've got a very emotional situation. let yourself react, let yourself feel all of this - don't force the tears back down, let them come. let yourself feel, let yourself deal with this. you're entitled to feel whatever you want to feel.

praying for you... checking your blog very frequently so i can keep updated on how to be praying. you've never met me, never even talked with me, but i'm walking through this with you as much as i can. and i won't stop.

- michelle

LL said...

He is beautiful R!
The memories of S at the hospital are flooding back to me as I read your posts! No matter how much she knew that J and I would be wonderful parents and love her daughter it still tore her apart to place him with us. Adoption is a beautiful gift but at the same time it brings heartache.

You love your son and it is so natural to ache for him. You are not far from my thoughts and always in my prayers.

jess said...

Just praying for your heart to heal. I am so blow away by the amazing thing you have done, you must have a heart of gold. You took a less than positive situation and created life and joy and did what was truly best for your child. With your selfless act you changed the world.
His adoptive parents are never, never going to take a day with him for granted. They know pain, loss and now such joy. You brought true happiness to others.
I am honored to have followed your story and wish you the best. You are amazing and a true hero.

Two Hands said...

He's beautiful.
I hope you're being very gentle with yourself right now. I mean birth/hormones is enough to deal with without everything else that's going on.

The Behie Family said...

He is perfect and beautiful. You did an amazing thing, and for that... you will be rewarded. God blessed you with a gift to share with R & B and as you sit and hold Skylar... remember.... God allowed you to be a blessing through a difficult time in your life to his other children. I am not even talking about just R & B, but to every person who has travelled this journey beside you, physically or throught this blog... you have shown strength that can only be obtained through faith. I am proud to know you and I want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

cc said...

What a wonderful video. I'm so glad you had time to be with Baby Boy.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are reacting just as you should.

Thank You for letting me be a part of this journey. It has made my heart swell to get to know you.
You are amazing.


ashleyjnc said...

Can you imagine the pain Jesus felt when he had to give up his ONLY son? Knowing he would not see him whole and alive as a human anymore? You are amazing, you have given the gift of life to a child that many women may not have carried though, you have given a family the most selfless gift you can give, you deserve to cry, and laugh, and just be. I hope that you can draw near to God, clingy tightly, for it is this time that you need to be carried.


Lerin said...

What a beautiful boy. I loved the video. It made fresh tears start flowing!

Oh Rebekah, please don't ask "what's wrong with me." I am a mess and my situation is completely void of that unfathomable grief of giving a baby to another set of arms. There is nothing wrong with you... of COURSE you feel this way.

Just promise you won't stuff down all the feelings. You won't be able to heal if you don't allow yourself to FEEL it all. If you stuff it down, you will eventually explode.

You have sop many people here reading your thoughts, crying with you, and loving you from afar. I hope you can take some small comfort in that.

debbiedoO said...

This is tough, I knew it would be and am hoping for the best for you. The hormonal changes that come after giving birth ALONE nearly sent me to the nutty factory, I can't imagine how you must feel.

Just take it minute by minute. You don't have to "get over" anything or feel badly for your emotions. Just let them be. Feel them, fully.

You could have so easily taken the 'easy' road and terminated your pregnancy. Instead, you wore your sins and regrets like a badge for all to see and judge for 9 months and then completely selflessly made a decision to put your feelings and needs 2nd to your son. This is a mother's love at it's finest.

Thank you Rebekah, for choosing life. One day your son will thank you as well.

Kathy Lang said...

You made a absolutely beautiful baby!! You have an extremely generous heart, which is so evident in your posts and in your selfless choice to place your baby with R & B. I pray for God to bless you abundantly! Let the tears deserve to let it all out. It's certainly not healthy to bottle up those emotions.

My husband and I adopted a baby girl from birth in Oklahoma. When we were chosen as adoptive parents by the birthmother, I felt like life couldn't get any better! Little did I know how much more wonderful our life would become the day our adorable, little Kara was born. You have given R & B the greatest gift that can ever be given to another human being. Whenever they lay eyes on that baby boy, they will be saying a prayer for you and thanking God for placing you in their lives.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It has filled my mind and heart with wonderful memories. I pray for your broken heart to heal quickly.

Laurie said...

Beautiful, Rebekah...a Mother's love at it's finest.

Desha said...

He is beautiful, and you look amazing after just giving birth! I couldn't believe those pictures of you, with your hair all done and make-up on. I looked a nice mess for a good solid month! I have been following your story for awhile, and want you to know that I am so proud of you, and am praying for you as you walk through this new territory.