No news is good news is what I kept telling myself as far as the birth father went. As far as I was concerned, as time went on, and I didn't hear from him I figured he just wanted nothing to do with me or the baby. The agency kept telling me that because I had not heard from him and he had not supported this pregnancy emotionally or financially then he would be terminated.....THUS THE PHRASE...no news is good news.
Well things have changed. The birth father has been found, contacted, served.....and heard from. Up until that point I felt I had all my emotions under control. I mean, I don't feel that great physically but emotionally I was GREAT. Then, the birth father calls and said he wanted to talk to me....AND the adoptive parents. And to top that off he said he would like to see the baby. Oh my gosh, this is to much for me to handle.
Well, yesterday the birth father did talk to Ben and Rebekah. It went well, and I think it is safe to say that both parties got along quite well. I am glad for that.....so why does my heart hurt? Why do I feel so weird about him being around again. I just cant figure it out. I have seen both sides of this man. He is Jekyll and Hyde and I feel a fierce protection going out from me wanting to protect baby boy and Rebekah and Ben. I know that he has EVERY right to know his son, and he has every right to know Rebekah and Ben. YET, these feelings are going through me like a knife.
Could it be that I am just so hurt and angry at him and I don't feel that he deserves to step back into this whole situation after CHOOSING to be out of it for so long? Why now? Why does he think that it is OK now? Nothing about this whole thing seems fair.
Sure he has apologized to me (yesterday) and begged my forgiveness. I know I have to forgive but right now I am having a hard time.
I want to make sure I am clear....I am so glad that Rebekah and Ben are able to know the birth father,and I am so glad that he did choose to step in at some point, but only because of the baby. I know a little boy that lives near me that has never seen, or heard from his father. It was a one night stand and he will never know who his father is, and I'm not sure the mother knows who he is...and he is sad. That's not a way to start life or live life. So this is better, I guess I just have to get through these feelings I am having.
I want to also say thank you to all the people that read my blog and offer me support and love. I don't think you all know what it means to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Someone asked for specific prayer requests and I do have a few:
1. Please pray for my feelings towards Ron (birth father) that the Lord will soften my heart towards him. At this point I cant even pray for him because I feel that my anger towards him is in the way.
2. Pray for my swelling. It is really bad and uncomfortable and the doctors give me no help with it and just say its normal and a part of pregnancy.
3. Pray that after the baby is born that I can swiftly get a job.
Well, I am off to try and take a nap. I just noticed that Ron called me AGAIN today while I was out running errands. The only thing he had to say to me was that he got the email from Rebekah with the pictures she sent him. Why is he calling me? He threw me away for so long, why bother now? I'm confused.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
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10 comments:
I am so sorry that these new events have twisted you in a place that was previously was feeling secure.. Take a deep breath in and rely on God's strength right now. Rest as much as you can too.
I am praying for you. You are at the top of my prayer list.
I have been very involved in a situation like yours. I won't go into detail, but I am reading your blog because I kind of understand. I don't know this man, and he may e horrible. But, forgive him. Listen to him...he may have alot of issues with the situation. I will pray your swelling gets better. Get lots of rest!!!
Ashley
You are in my prayers. You must be going through a whirlwind of emotions. I hope that you don't get too stressed out about it. Not good for you or baby boy. Perhaps he is reaching out to you because he is surprised about the emotions this all is bringing up with him. Lifting you in prayer. One of my friends has a favorite saying-Let go and let God.
Hugs and prayers.
If the birth father wanted to be in your life would you keep your son?
Rebekah-
I was wondering how you would feel after reading R's blog. They obviously have a different feeling- a deep desire to have all of their sons pieces together for HIS sake, not theirs.
But from your point of view it's like does the birthfather deserve it? No...not with the way he has treated you. But from that perspective, haven't we all done horrible things that would require judgement. R and B don't like him because he is a good guy, they like him because God first loved them. All you know is what a jerk he has been, and you have every right to feel the way you do! I would in your situation.
Also, just because he will get photos and updates does not mean he will be this little guy's father. That is who Ben is. So he will not have to grow up wondering what is up with his Dad, because he will have his Dad right there. That is the beauty of adoption- taking broken pieces and making it whole.
Stay strong, have a good cry...and know that our God will continue to make something so beautiful out of the mess! You are not alone in your pain...you are deeply cared and thought of by so many.
Love and prayers from Texas!
We're praying!
- R
I can understand how you feel. I worry a little that R and B got only one side of this person, whereas you have seen both. After all, you were the one left to deal with this pregnancy alone and with whatever else he threw your way. Having been in an abusive relationship, I know how painful it can be to know that there is an unpleasant side to someone that no one else sees. I know what it's like to want to stand between that person and your child because you feel they are a danger.
I wish there was something I could do to ease those feelings and reassure you that his intentions now are good ones, but I don't know that, none of us can, so we have to do the unthinkable and leave it in God's hands. Vigilant, oh yes, but ultimately in His control.
I know you have a great relationship with R so I hope you have shared all of your feelings with her. I know it's hard to impress upon someone that the side they have seen of someone isn't the only one. People can hide all sorts of things when they want to.
Tell them to be careful. As for you, big hugs from across the miles. I have some understanding of where you're coming from and it's a struggle, a huge one, to overcome. I pray that you get some reassurance, but know that there are those of us who understand, all too well, how you feel. You aren't alone.
To anonymous. In answer to your question.....No...I would not, but I wouldnt allow Ron back in my life eather, but for completely different reasons then the reason I wouldnt keep baby boy. :)
Since it seems to be a hot topic... :)
Ben and I are not blind to all the birth father's errors...as a matter-of-fact, I see a lot of what Rebekah sees.
We are moving forward with a "relationship" (I use that word lightly) because we believe it's what's best for baby boy.
We are choosing to view him through the eyes of God. And for us, that's easy...he hasn't hurt, cheated, or lied to us.
We think Rebekah is remarkable and handling things the same way we would...the hurt is too fresh in her mind to see him differently.
We pray God's complete healing for her heart everyday. Nothing or no one will ever replace the bond we have with her...and certainly not the birth father, who has just decided to show his face.
We love you, Rebekah!
Sweet response, R!!
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