No news is good news is what I kept telling myself as far as the birth father went. As far as I was concerned, as time went on, and I didn't hear from him I figured he just wanted nothing to do with me or the baby. The agency kept telling me that because I had not heard from him and he had not supported this pregnancy emotionally or financially then he would be terminated.....THUS THE PHRASE...no news is good news.
Well things have changed. The birth father has been found, contacted, served.....and heard from. Up until that point I felt I had all my emotions under control. I mean, I don't feel that great physically but emotionally I was GREAT. Then, the birth father calls and said he wanted to talk to me....AND the adoptive parents. And to top that off he said he would like to see the baby. Oh my gosh, this is to much for me to handle.
Well, yesterday the birth father did talk to Ben and Rebekah. It went well, and I think it is safe to say that both parties got along quite well. I am glad for that.....so why does my heart hurt? Why do I feel so weird about him being around again. I just cant figure it out. I have seen both sides of this man. He is Jekyll and Hyde and I feel a fierce protection going out from me wanting to protect baby boy and Rebekah and Ben. I know that he has EVERY right to know his son, and he has every right to know Rebekah and Ben. YET, these feelings are going through me like a knife.
Could it be that I am just so hurt and angry at him and I don't feel that he deserves to step back into this whole situation after CHOOSING to be out of it for so long? Why now? Why does he think that it is OK now? Nothing about this whole thing seems fair.
Sure he has apologized to me (yesterday) and begged my forgiveness. I know I have to forgive but right now I am having a hard time.
I want to make sure I am clear....I am so glad that Rebekah and Ben are able to know the birth father,and I am so glad that he did choose to step in at some point, but only because of the baby. I know a little boy that lives near me that has never seen, or heard from his father. It was a one night stand and he will never know who his father is, and I'm not sure the mother knows who he is...and he is sad. That's not a way to start life or live life. So this is better, I guess I just have to get through these feelings I am having.
I want to also say thank you to all the people that read my blog and offer me support and love. I don't think you all know what it means to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Someone asked for specific prayer requests and I do have a few:
1. Please pray for my feelings towards Ron (birth father) that the Lord will soften my heart towards him. At this point I cant even pray for him because I feel that my anger towards him is in the way.
2. Pray for my swelling. It is really bad and uncomfortable and the doctors give me no help with it and just say its normal and a part of pregnancy.
3. Pray that after the baby is born that I can swiftly get a job.
Well, I am off to try and take a nap. I just noticed that Ron called me AGAIN today while I was out running errands. The only thing he had to say to me was that he got the email from Rebekah with the pictures she sent him. Why is he calling me? He threw me away for so long, why bother now? I'm confused.