I still sometimes expect to feel him kick. There are certain times that I am sitting at the computer and think "I havent felt him kick today" and then realize I am not pregnant anymore. Its kind of like someone that has lost an arm or a leg but they still feel pain where the arm or leg used to be. I just feel like I was pregnant for so long....and now I'm not.
I am feeling so much better. The medication is bringing the blood pressure down and my body is slowly deflating. LOL Funny I know, but it is true. I had lost 25 pounds in seven days, and I am sure that most of it was water weight. It makes me smile to start getting my body back.
The night before my sister came over to spend the night. We ate pizza in celebration of "birth day" the next day and then went to bed. At five o'clock we showered and were out the door. I had eaten some eggs before we went because I knew they would starve me through the day. I still hate that hospitals do that.
We got to the hospital and they were very quick to get things started. They had me put one of those beautiful backless gowns, and get into bed. I wanted some pictures (last prego pictures) before I climbed into bed so I had my sister snap some of me. Those are the ones you see in the video. I felt out of whack. On one hand, I knew that I wanted the pregnancy to be over, but on the other hand, I had this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew that it was the beginning of the end of my time with this little guy. Follow that thought below........
When I first got pregnant I did NOT want to like the baby inside me. I HATED that I was pregnant and just angry over the whole situation. I couldn't believe that I had gotten myself into this mess and I wasn't sure how to handle it. When I decided on adoption In my mind I thought I could separate the little one inside me and my emotions. I thought that I would just play it out as a surrogate mom and it would all be very easy. I had no idea that I would fall in love with the baby in my belly and we would actually develop a relationship.
So, going to the hospital that morning was unlike any of my other births. I had no baby supplies at home, I didn't bring a "going home" outfit, no carseat......nothing...not even a name that I had pick out. Its a very odd feeling, so I felt a bit separate from it all...and just felt like I was going through the motions.
Everyone was there (except Carrie, my best friend), Amy was there,(the adoption case worker) my mom and Grandma and Aunt were there, my sister, and eventually Rebekah and Ben all came. I was so blessed to have so much support. In fact...we had so many people in the room that the nurses had to step over us to get around the bed. But nobody complained and nobody was asked to leave.
Rebekah and Ben drove all night to make the birth. I was expected to deliver a few days later so there leisurely trip to Colorado was cut short and they drove all night and grabbed a few hours of sleep before they came to the hospital. I was over come with emotion when I saw my sweet Rebekah. I feel a bond with her that I can never explain. She would be the mother of MY child. I trust her, I love her. I started bawling when they walked in the room and I said to her as she hugged me "I was waiting for you." Just thinking of that moment makes me cry.
I was dilated to a one when I arrived at the hospital. The pitocin was started and I made it to a one and a half when they started mentioning that the doctor was going to come in and break my water. I told them that I wouldn't let them break my water until the epidural was in place because(from experience)I knew the REAL pain would start. So at nine o'clock the epidural was given...and shortly after, at about two centimeters, my water was broke.
You would think that things would have sped up from there but they did not. We had hours and hours of visiting time. I dreamed of this time for months though. I think it was an answer to prayer because I wanted TIME to stand still in the hospital. I knew that it was the only time I would have with Rebekah and Ben and I wanted it to last and last. When they go home.....It could be YEARS before I see them again. Not only were they to be the parents of my baby, but I cherish there friendship, and I didn't want it to end, and I think in the back of my mind, I knew that my time with baby boy was short. I had no idea that all the emotions were just building and building.
I really don't know what time it was...but everyone decided that it was time to go take walks and maybe get some dinner.
I was in my own world because for some reason the pain of the contractions was becoming more real to me. I thought "these are starting to hurt." But, I thought maybe I was just reaching the end of labor and they were getting stronger, but I decided to tell the nurse because I was REALLY in pain. She told me to sit up and she checked the epidural.....and sure enough....TO MY HORROR....the epidural had been pulled out of my back. I FEAR epidurals...they HURT and I don't like them, but I get them because the pain that they take away is worth the pain of getting them...so for me to realize that I had to get a SECOND epidural was devastating. I couldn't handle it and started sobbing from the bottom of my gut. I was so scared. My sister and mom had stayed in the room (thank God) and the man came in to put in the second epidural......
this is where the story gets interesting.
I am sitting on the edge of the bed, trying to arch my back, NO EPIDURAL in place, and (although I didn't know it) was dilated to NINE. The contractions hurt so bad and were two minutes apart. The epidural was started and he started administering the pain medication first....he pokes it in my back and it EXPLODES into his face and eyes.........the needle is still in my back and he runs to the sink to try to flush his eyes out because they are burning. All I remember thinking was "there is a needle in my back and the doctor is blinded, and I'm about to give birth." I'm freaking out and in pain, and I cant move because I'm not sure what is going on with this needle. After a few minutes he says he is OK and starts working again. It takes him forever to get the epidural in place....but he finally does. Relief!!!!!!
I am laid back down and I start feeling pressure, the nurse checks me and announces that I am a nine.....and all of a sudden I hear a big "CRASH" and I look over and my MOM IS ON THE GROUND. All I can see are her feet moving back and forth and I think she is having a seizure. I start yelling "MOM MOM, are you OK?" I am crying my eyes out and all the nurses are rushing over to help her. Come to find out my mom (who just had back surgery and suffers from Multiple Sclerosis) was trying to sit in the recliner and was trying to pushing down the foot extension and lost her balance, hit her head on my bed and went to the floor. OH MY GOODNESS!! CAN YOU SAY CRAZY!!!!
I hear her voice "Becky I'm OK." She knew I was scared. They got her up while at the same time they know the doctor has to be called because I am going to deliver. Mom is crying because she knows she is going to miss the birth and they wheel her down to the emergency room to get checked out. She hit her head pretty hard.
By now my contractions are making baby boys heart beat go down to 75 beats per minute. There was nothing I could do to get his heart rate to stay up and so now I am crying because I am afraid he is going to die. By now everyone had made it back into the room. Rebekah sees me crying and she whispers to me "trust God." I settle down and the doctor eventually appears. They get the room set up and I am about to push, but I see Ben WAAAYYY over in a corner. I didn't want him over there....I wanted him to be part of it so I called him over.....and Ill never forget his face when I told him that. He smiled as big as the Grand Canyon. (sweet Ben)
I pushed for less then ten minutes and baby boy was born and placed on my belly.
He was nothing like I imagined. He didn't look like Ron, he didn't look like me....he looked like Tyrus. He was so beautiful, and tiny and I fell instantly in love. Ben cut the cord, and we all just stared at him, and listened to him cry. I had tears running down my face...he was amazing.
The rest of the time was filled with passing baby Ty around. It was filled with LOTS of pictures and flowers and smiles and joy. There were no tears until I had to sign the papers. I didn't expect to cry....but I did...and they were the first tears of many for days to come.
We left the hospital.....me with my sister, and Rebekah and Ben with my sweet little boy. My sister dropped me off at home, and the fountain of tears flowed and flowed. I couldn't stop them. I was a ball of emotions for days as you all know from my posts.
I am glad that I didn't make the decision to place Ty for adoption in the days following my birth. It would have been a decision based on emotion, and it would not have been the right one. Now that I have a clearer mind, I know for sure I made the right decision...not because I don't love Ty (because clearly I do) but because it was just the right one for me, and it was the right one for my baby boy.
The rest of the story is not told yet. It will unfold one day....one moment...at a time. I am starting a new normal, whatever normal is......that is what I am trying to discover.